Rules Of Engagement

Good morning, Cadre. I hope things are going well. Wherever you are, it is Betsy Hodges. Sometimes I wonder, do people know who I am when you show up? I don't know. I used to be the mayor of Minneapolis. I currently do coaching and consulting around local government, but especially around racial equity for white people. I'm doing a master class on August 6th for white women. That's who I am. But I am also someone who's been sober for 35 years. I take that back. 36 years, as of July 17th. Good morning, Amar.

I've been sober for 36 years, and I just got my Cohen a couple weeks ago. July 17th is my sobriety date. And I like to share my experience, strength and hope with people. And one of the ways that I do that is. This was inspired by Gretchen Rubin. There's a few people you'll hear me mention a lot. Gretchen Rubin is one of them. John Acuff is one of them. I'm going to mention a woman named Kathy Heller today whose book Abundance Ever After, I just read and really loved. And Gretchen, in her book, the Happiness Project, in her book, the Happiness Project, she has her own commandments, and then she has her secrets of adulthood.

And she had just had a book come out called Secrets of Adulthood that expands on these secrets of adulthood. And she has these divine principles. Whatever. I liked that idea. I didn't like commandment. But for her, they're like sort of rules she lives by. I have my rules of engagement. Like, how do I want to show up in the world? What do I use to guide me as I show up in the world? And that is an expanding list. I also have my guidelines. I'd like a better word than guidelines. I haven't discovered it yet, but guidelines are less a rule of engagement and more things to ponder as I move ahead in life.

Or things that I think are true and good to remember. But they don't tell me to do anything. So here's a perfect example. We're talking this week about freedom and freedom to evolve. Like we have permission to change. Who we were 10 minutes ago does not have to be who we are 10 minutes from now or even in this moment. I once had a therapist. Tam Chandler, wherever you are, thank you. Who said who? She was the first one to tell me that every seven years, all the renewable cells in your body renew themselves.

So that when I was, I don't know, 25, I realized 26. Every cell in my body has changed since I got sober, has changed over. And that has happened how many times does 7 go into 36? At least 5 times since I got sober, which is amazing. We have the freedom to change. I also realized some number of years ago that I was embarrassed to be seen as having changed. What do I mean by that? Some of it is like weight loss. When I got into recovery, I was very overweight and it was very vulnerable. I lost about £80.

It was very vulnerable to lose £80. Physically, I felt more vulnerable in part because I was cold all the time. It took my body a good two, three, four years to really regulate back to not being cold all the time. And now that I'm a woman of a certain age, I'm never cold. That's not true, but I run a lot hotter than I used to, which is nice, but. But I was embarrassed. And then as I became a more warm and outgoing person, I realized I'm embarrassed for people who used to know me to see me being more warm and outgoing.

That vulnerability that that person was in there the whole time seemed like a lot to me. But it's okay to evolve if you need permission. I give you permission to evolve for sure. But my number two rule of engagement is you have to start from where you are and not from where you wish you were, not from where you think you should be. That's about evolving, in part because it's hard to move forward if you're not standing where you are, if that makes sense. It's hard to chart a course to where you want to go if you are starting from an imaginary spot as opposed to a real spot.

I am in Silver Spring, Maryland at the moment. Let's say I wanted to get to Minneapolis. So I go to my app and I say, what's a good path from Silver Spring to Minneapolis? And it gives me a map and then I can follow that road. Now, if I said to the map, hey, I'm starting from Boise, Idaho. How do I get to Minneapolis? It is impossible to create good directions if you're trying to start from a place where you are not. I'll repeat that. It is impossible. I don't know what I said. It is impossible to get to where you choose to go if you're trying to start from a place where you are not.

You just can't do it. C. which is about 8 or 10 miles away, if I said, okay, I need to get to Minneapolis, let's do a road trip, I could probably fake my way to the path to get on the main route to Minneapolis. If you're not that far off, you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to know exactly where you are. But speaking of losing weight, the reason I came up with that rule of engagement. And that's a rule, right? See? Start from where you are, not from where you wish you were. Good day to you, too.

Speak, wonder. We're talking about the freedom to evolve. And I know I've told this story before, but it's worth repeating. By the time I stepped on a treadmill when I was that summer I got Sober, I was 19 years old. I had just quit smoking a few months before. I had smoked a pack a day from the time I was 16. And then I had quit in February and I quit drinking in July. I probably started working out about the same time, maybe in June. So I'd only quit smoking a few months before. I weighed a good 80 more pounds than I do now.

And none of that was muscle. I have a lot of muscle now. I've been working out a long time, but none of it was muscle. And I was still eating sugar like it was. Or I was trying not to, but I really wanted to eat sugar like I was going. So anyway, I weighed well over £200 at this point. And I got on the treadmill and bless my heart and thank you past self, I did not start that treadmill at like, five miles an hour at a 7% incline and try and, like, run. I didn't try to run, and I didn't even try to walk at, you know, four miles an hour, three and a half miles an hour the way I would now.

No incline. I didn't put an incline, and I didn't expect myself to go for an hour. I don't know how I knew to do this. This is where grace comes in. And now I share it with you. So you don't need grace to understand this principle. I said to myself, I have to start from where I am. I cannot start from where I wish I was. That was going. That actually, that came in my brain. And that is why it is one of my top rules of engagement for my whole life. So I walked for five minutes at two miles an hour with no incline, five minutes, and my calves started burning.

And I said, okay, we'll just do a little bit more tomorrow. And that's how it started, right? So the freedom to evolve starts with the freedom to recognize where you are without pretense. The freedom to evolve starts with recognizing where you Are really are. Without pretense, without artifice, without faking it and just accepting. That's where I am. That's where I am. Whatever your evolution is, it's going to start from who you are right now. It's not going to start from who you wish you were. It's not going to start from where you, who you think you should be.

It's going to start from who you are. And who you are already has all the raw ingredients for who you are going to be. Because who you are is capable of learning, capable of growing, capable of asking for help. If you're not capable of those things or you think you're not, you actually are capable. It may take some courage and some support and some help to realize it. So that's a rule of engagement. That's a guideline. That's like how I, you know, if I'm stuck, it's like, oh right Betsy, let's look at the rules of engagement.

Oh Betsy, you have to start from where you are, not from where you, you know, I, like I said, I'm teaching this masterclass for white women on the on August 6th and I, when I started knew very little about mailchimp. I had learned a little bit about mailchimp, how to send emails to my network. I knew very little about how to embed a video in an email. I didn't know all kinds of things about how to market myself, which you think I would after running four. Not running, but being a candidate in four campaigns.

Four campaigns. But I've had to learn a lot and I put together a mindset plan for myself, a 30 day mindset plan for myself that gives me stuff to say to myself every day that has been very illuminating. I'm journaling about it, all this sort of stuff and it's just a pilot I didn't send to my full list. I sent to about 120 white women on my list, etc, etc. But I, I am evolving. I am learning how the material I'm going to teach in this master class is a plus, 100%. Getting people there is the skill set I've needed to learn and I've just had to evolve.

And like I said, it's a little embarrassing to not already know how to do things. Thanks gifted and talented labels. If I'm not good at something right away it feels like a little embarrassing or like I shouldn't do it, but too bad. I have a message for the world and if this is how I have to, if this is what I have to learn to get it out there, then this is what I will learn, to get it out there. Dr. Cherise says to start with micro movements, not massive ones. Absolutely. Absolutely. I say this to people when they get sober.

Or like, now that I have 36 years of sobriety, I can see this is true about me, and I can see this is true about people I've seen come in and stay, which is your first day of sobriety. Looks just like the last day you drank, really, except for this one change of your willingness. But then over the years, that one point turns into a v that goes out and out. So the person that I am at 36 years is very different than the person I would be if I hadn't gotten sober. But it started with one day. One day at a time is very much a micro movement.

And then what I do within that day, very much a micro movement. So that's the rule of engagement. Here's a guideline, and this is one of my favorite new guidelines. I have been thinking about this all the time. I said I would mention Kathy heller, and here she is on her podcast. I don't know which one. Kathy heller, who has this great book out, abundant ever after. She said, apple, and this is one of my guidelines. I think it's number 34. Apple is not embarrassed that the iPhone 14 was way better than the iPhone 4.

Apple's not embarrassed that the iPhone 14 is way better than the iPhone 4 was. They were pleased as punch with the Apple with the iPhone 4. They handed it to us like it was the gift. Some of us experienced it as. They were like, look at this wondrous new product we've created. We've. I mean, it's. It's. They're not embarrassed that it's better than the first iPhone, for sure. But they were like, look, we made all these improvements on the first iPhone. Aren't you thrilled to get it? And aren't you thrilled to pay money for it?

And we were like, I was. Yes. Yes, I am thrilled to pay money for it. Right. Because I love. I'm a big fan of iPhone, so your mileage may vary. I'm not trying to start a war here, but apple's not embarrassed. When they rolled out the iPhone 14, they weren't like, oh, this is so much better than the iPhone 4. It's a little. I guess we should be embarrassed by the iPhone 4 because we figured out the iPhone 14. First of all, there's no way to get to the iPhone 14 without going through the iPhone 4, you know, and 5 and 6, 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 and 10, 11 and 12 and 13.

They evolved, the product evolved, and they're not embarrassed by it. Feel free to evolve and get better over time. It doesn't mean we have to be embarrassed by who we were. And sometimes being embarrassed by who we were stops us from becoming who we choose to be. Sometimes that stops people from getting into recovery. They feel so bad about the things they've done while they were drinking that they don't want to stop doing the things they do while they're drinking, which is actually, you know, which is why there are steps.

Part of the 12 steps is just to address that feeling. Basically clean up the wreckage of your past so you can keep it in the past and not have it keep pulling at you to drink. I feel feisty about this today. Very feisty about this today. Apple is not embarrassed that the iPhone 14 is way better than the iPhone 4. They're just not embarrassed by it. They're not embarrassed that the iPhone 16 is way better than the iPhone 6. They're not. They're not mad about it. They're not embarrassed about it. They probably.

I guarantee you in Cupertino somewhere, there is some sort of display of all the iPhones of years past and the ipods that the iPhone eventually absorbed into itself, right? And all the ipods and the mini ipods and all the things. They're not embarrassed by any of it. They're proud. They have a whole museum problem. I guarantee you Cupertino somewhere there's a whole museum dedicated to how awesome every stage of their life has been. What if we did the same for ourselves? What? At every stage of our lives, we were like, yes, that's me.

I was so awesome when I was 19 and I stepped on that treadmill and I went five minutes at two miles an hour with no incline because that was the best I could do. Yes, that was me. And that was me in 2009 when I ran the marathon. True story. It's not actually a bigger accomplishment for me that I ran a marathon than it is that I hopped on that, that, that treadmill for the first time. I love both those accomplishments. I wish I had a T shirt for the first one. I actually didn't have a T shirt for the second one either, because the first marathon I ran, it was just me, which is a much longer story than we have time for today.

But I ran a one woman marathon on my 40th birthday, which happened to be on Labor Day that year. My birthday's in September. And it was amazing. It was hard. It was horrible, actually. It was just horrible. And I'm so proud I did it. But it wasn't a bigger deal than the first time I stopped. I stepped on that. Then I stepped on that treadmill. I've been working out ever since. Isn't that amazing? 35 straight years. 36. Sorry. 36 straight years of working out. Good for me. I'm proud. I evolved. I'm so pleased that I half walked, half ran to my orange theory class, did my whole orange theory class, you know, ran, lifted weights, and then walked home.

I am deeply pleased that that is something I am able to do today. I'm glad I've evolved into that. That was the dream. That was the dream. That girl was dreaming when she stepped on that treadmill was that I would be here. I didn't even know enough to dream to be this healthy at 55. I was dreaming being 29 and being, you know, having a boyfriend, which I did. I was married by the time I was 29. I did it, and I'm glad I did it. And I'm not done. That's the. That's the thought I'll leave you with.

Evolution doesn't end. I'm not done evolving. I never will be my hope until I die. I'm not. Oh, I startled my cat. Sorry, buddy. So I'm not done evolving. I am free to keep growing, changing, healing, and learning. That's actually what came up in my meditation today. I didn't even think about it until just now. Was my higher power gave me the invitation to keep growing and healing, especially around all that I'm learning about offering myself to my experience. Not myself, my experience, strength and hope to the world and what I've learned about race and what I've learned about life.

So we've gone over time again, feeling very feisty about all this. Really grateful that you all are here. And I'll see you in the app. Have a great week, everybody. I will be in Albuquerque, where I used to live, where that therapist I mentioned is.