If My Plate Could Talk: “The 5 C’s Of Counterproductive Patterns”

Hello. Kauges here. Welcome to if your plate could talk. I'm Doctor Charryse Johnson, licensed clinical mental health therapist, mindfulness practitioner and author. And on Fridays, I typically come to you and we talk all about the intersection of life, grief, trauma, and the things that may be weighing on our plate, both tangibly and metaphorically. So whether it's your first time with me or you're here on a consistent basis, I'm so glad that you chose to show up. Typically, we start off a few different ways.

This is definitely the time of week where I encourage you to kind of stop and reflect and think about what is the week been like for you. What do you notice that you need or what has been missing as you have tried to handle or take care of all the various things that are on your plate. And then a little later on, we'll get into what might need to come off. So tell me two things. One, what has gone well this week? We go through different cycles and ebbs and flows of the week, and it's always a great time as we head into the weekend to really consider what's going well.

And then where are you in the world right now? I'm back home here in Charlotte, North Carolina. Always happy to be repping my city and it's been wonderful. Give everyone maybe another minute to come in the space and then we will get started. Good morning, Buffalo. Always good to see you. What's the weather like there? You starting to chill a little bit? We are chilly mornings, but then still finding that really good. 79 to 82 with sunshine on most days. Congrats for being consistent in food and exercise schedule this week.

That's a good thing. Let me even think for myself what has gone well this week. I would say I'm probably most proud of just the consistency. Hello, St. Paul. Around my movement. Yeah. And really making sure that no matter where I was, I did that. Way to go, Gwen. Getting up every day and working out and that's a big deal before work. Also knowing that the time is changing. Hello, Orangeburg, South Carolina. So focus of today is looking at how the patterns of our life may be helpful or hurtful. And so I want to share with you the five c's of counterproductive patterns and then what approach you want to take instead.

This is, you know, let me give you kind of some rationale behind why I chose this. It's always important for us to be looking at how we're showing up, how we're showing up inside of our heads, how we're showing up in connection with other people, how we're showing up in connection with the things that are our responsibilities and really looking for. Where are our patterns becoming counterproductive? And we may need to push them back a little bit. Where do we notice that we were in a good kind of mental rhythm and well being?

But then as a result of that, things are starting to go in a different direction. And again, it's not about perfection. Maybe you've heard me talk about kind of your window of tolerance. It's a polyvagal theory that really goes towards, if we stay within this window, we do relatively well with handling the things that are on our plate. If we shoot above the window, we're gonna be anxious and irritable, and angry and overwhelmed. If we go below the window, that's when we're gonna find a more low mood, depressed state.

So recognizing when any of our patterns have become counterproductive is a way that we can kind of keep a good inventory on ourselves. So the five c's of counterproductive patterns, notice if you've seen any of these in your life within the last week or two. Number one, complaining. If you see that you're moving towards a cycle of complaining, it looks like fixating on issues without pursuing solutions. Sometimes you might find, or some people have grown up in situations where they've never been allowed to share that they don't like something.

There's nothing wrong with you communicating, I don't like this. This didn't feel good. That's not complaining. It is important for you to acknowledge and communicate when something isn't sitting well with you, it becomes complaining. When you fixate on what's going wrong and you don't work on having a solution. So kind of the antidote, and I use that word loosely, to complaining, is being solution focused. So if you recognize here's something that's bothering me, and I can't get my mind off of it, and I'm communicating it, and things aren't changing.

Don't just stay in the side of complaining, because that adds more to your plate. I look at it as having a plate. Let's say that you had a really great plate of food. It was all the things that you want on it. And then a wave of gnats comes in and lands on your food and then makes what's there almost unedible. When we are in a loop of complaining, it's like letting nats hang out and consuming things that are now unhealthy. So versus complaining, instead of complaining, always work on, here's the issue, but I want to be solution focused.

What can I do so that I can manage and mitigate what's bothering me, not just sitting there and kind of dwelling on it? The second one, criticizing. Sometimes we may have a naturally critical temperament, or we have grown up in spaces where people are naturally critical, and we have taken on that pattern. Even though we don't like it and didn't enjoy it, we can still find ourselves there. Critical individuals or criticizing can sometimes be out loud and very verbal, but other times it could be internal.

So internally criticizing yourself is just as harmful as being critical to other people. So when we are in that dynamic of criticizing, we're highlighting faults and diminishing accomplishments. And as a result of that, we undermined instead of uplift. So being able to reflect on yourself and go, where in your life do you feel like you're actually undermining your accomplishments or the accomplishments of others, but mostly you. Cause this is about you. And where can you work on giving yourself constructive feedback so that it uplifts you instead of just, again, hyper focusing on everything that you feel like you're doing wrong?

We talk a lot about constructive feedback in business models, in interpersonal skills, but it's also important for us to give ourselves a level of constructive feedback. Do you know how to do that for yourself? Yeah, I see someone saying you complain and criticize at work. It's a huge red flag, and it means that there are some areas of our life that need to change. You know, if I even think for myself. Thank you. Our stigma, that's kind of bringing something in mind. If I'm starting to be critical, there's something going on, right?

I'm not a naturally critical person, but just as you said, it usually means something's off. Typically for me. Maybe you know what that means for you. I'm overwhelmed. I have too much on my plate. And then I have no tolerance for other people. I have no patience for other people because I'm like, I need to get things done. So I know that I have to watch what's on my plate, because if my plate gets too heavy, I can be demanding and have unrealistic expectations sometimes of myself and sometimes of the people around me.

Let's also acknowledge that there can be times where grief can make us critical simply because we're low, simply because we're struggling with something that we're watching happen or something that has happened, and it's weighing on us to the point where we see everything through a critical lens. So when you notice yourself criticizing take a step back and ask yourself, okay, what's going on with me? What am I ignoring? What do I need more of? What do I need less of? Because staying in this kind of mentality of criticism isn't going to be ideal, and it's going to impact not only you, but the people around you.

Number three, concern. Nothing wrong with concerns. Have you ever met anybody that they're like, oh, my goodness, I am so concerned about so and so, which usually means they're about to tell you something that they have no business telling you? Have you ever been that person that's like, oh, I just want to share this with you because I'm so concerned? Or kind of part three, are you the person that is so concerned about everything that you have actually moved into a place of excessive worrying, anxiety, and unproductive rumination?

Rumination meaning you get stuck on a thought or trying to figure something out to the point where you incessantly think about it. Let me also say this. Rumination is not productive in any way. When we get caught on a loop of trying to think through something over and over and incessantly, and we're supposed to be doing something else in our mind is going back to excessively worrying and being concerned about something, it often means that we are trying to control something or. Or take charge of something that may not be ours to own, especially if you notice that you're doing that towards someone else.

And oh, yeah, church people love to show concern about other people, but for what means I. You may have concerns, right? You may genuinely be concerned about another person. If you find that that is your temperament, here's a couple things that I would like you to consider. Why am I concerned about that other person? Am I concerned about them? Because they're a part of my life and I care about them. Even if I am concerned, is it something that I need to respond to or just notice? Everything we notice we don't need to address?

If you are a very instinctive or discerning person, you're going to notice a lot of things that are concerning, but that does not always mean that you need to respond to those concerns. Sometimes just notice them and move on. The other thing that I would caution you to consider is, are you an individual who spend so much time being concerned about other people that you are not concerned about your own life? So you're so amazing at showing care and concern for other people, but actually ignoring the things in your own life that it would be more helpful to you to be concerned about when you are in that state where what I would like for you to consider antidote to concern is just constructive caution, what am I noticing in this person that I might just need to be cautious about?

Oh, I noticed that they seem to be really irritable and angry, so I might need to be a little bit more gentle with them. Oh, I noticed that they're doing some things that are out of character, so if the opportunity comes and if they bring it up, I will be available to give my feedback. If the opportunity comes up. The only time you want to move that concern into action is if it's a situation where you're concerned about someone doing something that's hurting other people and you have the authority to speak into that individual's life and help share your concerns.

But I'll say again, every concern you have doesn't need to be acted on and isn't yours to share the even if you feel like it's something that you could do better. Number four, commiserating. When we commiserate, the issue is with our own stuff. It normalizes self pity. We overshare and we dwell on issues without doing anything about them. Commiserating with your struggles is an issue, and it is counterproductive because it will spiral you down, along with the rumination and the excessive worry, into a place where you feel like you are hopeless and there isn't anything that you can do so you can empathetically engage with where you're struggling.

Oh, I'm engaging a little bit with what I realize is going on with me, but I'm only doing it enough to work through it. When you commiserate and become best friends with self pity, you move into victim mentality. And even if we're dealing with grief or loss or traumas or struggles in life, and not just grief and loss with people, but just life situations, commiserating will make you feel awful and can lead to physical consequence in terms of stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, sadness, depression, and change your appetite and sleep patterns.

So I want you to notice, are you caught in any loops of self pity in your life? Are you feeling bad about something that's happening to your life to the point where it's all you can think about and you're allowing it to be an excuse for not acting in healthy manner and then catastrophizing? This is one of my favorites. I see this a lot that people don't realize they do. It's very easy to do this when we catastrophize. We exaggerate a situation and envision the worst possible outcome. Oh, if this person doesn't do this, this could happen, and this could happen.

And this used to happen to this one person, and I knew this one person before, and that happened to the last person that was here. And we just go on and on and on until everyone around us is like, oh, my gosh, I didn't think about it that way. And it's very easy to do. If you find that you often catastrophize, that's an issue. Let me also say this. I've seen some individuals who believe that they catastrophize and consider the worst case scenario because it's helpful, where they actually believe, hey, if I see all the negative outcomes and possibilities that can happen, I can help save us.

No, you're just annoying the people around you and being really aggravating and sucking the life out of what could be an actually really good situation. So, notice if there are specific areas in your life or any current areas of your life, where you are stuck on the thinking the worst, what do you do? This is one that I want to give you something tangible to do. If you notice that you are catastrophizing, part of what you want to do is, here's the worst case scenario that you feel like could happen, and then back up and go, well, can I think of a neutral outcome?

Can I think of an opposite outcome? If that's hard to think of cognitively, write them down. Here's the situation. Here is what my brain is concerned about happening. Here's the worst case scenario to this situation that is playing through my mind. Well, here's a neutral dynamic that could actually happen, and here is a positive outcome that can happen. When you do that, it opens up the various pathways of the brain to not automatically go to worst case scenario, but then to move towards, hey, what I'm thinking may not actually happen.

There's all of these different possibilities that could happen, because, again, you've heard me say this. If you've been with me here on Cadre for a while, that worst case scenario very rarely happens. And what you don't want is you don't want catastrophizing to become a self fulfilling prophecy. Where you see something, you identify something, you look for the absolute worst that could happen, thinking, well, if I can get ahead of it, then I can save everyone. It's not your job to save everyone.

No matter what your job is, you might need to say that to yourself, it is not my job to save everyone. It's actually not your job to save anyone other than yourself. The only plate that you can manage and that you're called to manage, is your own. So, as I traditionally ask you, I want you to think about what's on your plate this week. What's been on your physical plate. What are you noticing about your nourishment patterns and the choices that you've made and how you feed yourself food? What's on your metaphorical plate?

Maybe this is your time to draw your circle and draw your plate and put in it all of the things that are on your plate, whether they're things that you've put on your plate, other people have put on your plate. You're like, I don't know how this got on my plate. And then ask yourself what needs to come off so you don't drop that plate and feel like everything is falling apart. It's such an important dynamic. And maybe things don't need to come off forever. Sometimes it's this needs to come off of my plate for the next few weeks.

This needs to come off of my plate for the weekend because there's too much on my plate. So something has to go. It's not an all or none dynamic. It's just and kind of a process of going, how much is too much? Based on the context of your life? You're coming off of sickness. If somebody you love is struggling, if you're hurting in any way, if you're dealing with anything that is weighing on you, you have to adjust what's on your plate so that there remains a level of harmony in what's there. And you don't feel like you're walking around juggling something and you're about to drop it and things are going to fall apart.

So take the five C's and go through and really consider where have you seen yourself this week? Or have you seen maybe even the people around you? Doesn't mean that you need to do anything or tell people, hey, I learned something today and you're commiserating. That's not what I'm saying. But it is helpful to go, are there some people in your life that are exhibiting counterproductive patterns and ways of thought and as a result you see yourself responding or you're picking up what they're putting down.

Because when we're around people that constantly engage in those counterproductive patterns, we can absolutely find ourselves starting to become what we are around. And you have choice. And I want different for you. What do you do from here? Come back and listen to this if needed. Share this with someone who might benefit. But most importantly, I want to challenge you to take a one to two things off of your plate. One to two things don't need to be there that can come back on your plate another time and lighten your load just a little bit so that you can regain some space and some capacity to take care of yourself.

As always, thank you for coming into this space and being with me, being together. And I look forward to seeing. Seeing you next week. Have a phenomenal weekend.