Online Dating/Dating Apps

Good morning, Cadre, or should I say good afternoon. It is 11:30. m. early morning for me. Taught a workout class this morning, so that is always fun on Fridays. Glad that you're able to hop in and join today. We are here to talk about dating apps. There's a lot to be said about dating apps, right? com been around? Any guesses? 1995. That's wild. That is wild. Anyway, sorry, that is not what we're talking about today. This isn't about match being around since 1995. But online dating has been around for a long time.

And I would say unfortunately, it's taken quite a shift and it's hard. It doesn't. have to be as hard as we make it sometimes, but it can really play a role on people's mental health. So I don't think I've introduced myself. I am Michelle. Hello. I am a dating coach. I own a company called Unstuck by Michelle, which is dating coaching. And I've been doing that for four years now and I love it. I work with a variety of clients all over the dating spectrum, clients who are widowed and who have never really dated for most of their life, people who focus on their career and just getting out there, people who are anxious, people who are on the autism spectrum and struggle a little socially.

Really all walks of life I work with with dating coaching and it's really interesting. And one of the common things, so when I first chat with somebody, we chat on the phone before we even meet just to make sure they know what dating coaching is. And I think that they'd be a good fit for dating coaching. And more often than not, I hear from folks, I don't want to do dating apps. And I'm like, okay, I hear you. We can meet people organically. I think I did a live stream on that. If not, I will do one on that at some point.

I'm pretty sure I did. But you can meet people organically. And statistically speaking, a lot of people are still primarily meeting on dating apps. And so when I talk with people about the hesitancy about dating apps, it's pretty self explanatory, right? Like I hear it makes me feel bad about myself. I feel like it's a part time job. There's all these fake profiles. It's overwhelming. I don't get any matches. And the common theme amongst all of that is that, you know, it doesn't make me feel good.

It impacts my mental health. That's pretty common with what I hear. And my job and what I do and what I have to do for myself is to learn and learn how to use the apps so that it doesn't wear and tear on your mental health because mental health has always got to be priority, right? If you're not feeling good, taking care of yourself, feeling like you are worthy and lovable, like shit, life is going to be tough. So we don't want dating apps to contribute to that. So we're going to talk, I'm going to talk today.

If you have any questions, sometimes I can see them in the chat, sometimes I can't. So if I see them afterwards, I'll hop in and answer them. I'm going to talk about some of the things that I work with with my clients about how to use the apps in ways that feel more manageable and doable. And one of the most important messages is that dating apps are a tool. They're a tool. They're not a measure of your worth. And that is really important to remember on a regular basis is that dating apps are a tool.

They're not a measure of your worth. They can help you meet new people and they can impact confidence, mood, self-esteem if they're used without boundaries. Boundaries is really a key takeaway from today that we're going to talk about how to have boundaries with the app. One way, which is like a mental boundary and kind of a boundary, but it's a mindset shift. I talk a lot in my lives about mindset shift because We have six to, I think six to 50,000 thoughts a day, and most of them are subconscious.

We're not aware of them. So we need to be intentional about like, what am I thinking around the app? And then be intentional about what do I want to be thinking? What are the facts here? And so something with the apps to remember is that we can't treat apps like validation machines. Rejection, ghosting, inconsistencies are all common things that we see, common behaviors that we see with dating apps. It's not a personal failure. So that is the mindset shift with when you're on these apps. You have to remember is one, I don't know these people.

I don't know these people, right? These are people that really shouldn't have much influence how I feel about myself because I do not know them. Very different than your best friend saying, Hey, after years of observation, I'd like to tell you I think you're a bad person. That would hit very different, right? But sometimes we treat these strangers like that. If you're chatting with someone and they ghost you, you have to remember one, I've never met this person. This person does not know me. They do not know me.

This says more about them than it does about me. If someone rejects you, that can look like ghosting, that can look like just saying, Hey, I'm not interested anymore, whatever. That is a part of dating. And you have to remember a mindset shift is that person just wasn't your person. Right, so to shift those common things that we see like ghosting, inconsistencies, remember that says more about them than it does about you. They do not know you. That does not determine your worth. And it's not a personal failure.

Healthy boundaries with the app. So personally, when I was on the apps, I. guilty of swiping when I was whining. Now, I don't think I should say whining when I was on the wine. That's not a good way to say it either. I would like drink wine at night and just start swiping. I mean, you're pretty much swiping blindly, right? You're not paying attention really. Your judgment is impaired. So be mindful of when you are swiping. People often go on and they swipe when they're bored, right? We are all, Majority of people are addicted to their phone.

Like, think about how many times you went to the bathroom today, no need to share, but I bet you brought your phone with you most times, right? Sometimes I'll go, I'd be halfway to the bathroom and be like, my phone. It's like, oh my gosh, girlfriend, you're peeing for like 10 seconds, leave your phone, right? And that is how people can get like a little addicted to dating apps. It's like just effortlessly swiping. And so limit your time on the apps. When I worked at a high school, I was really thankful, at times frustrated, thankful overall, that I couldn't go on social media at work.

There was something about my office and the Wi-Fi and Verizon. I don't know, but I couldn't go on Instagram, Facebook, or dating apps. So whenever I was at work, in theory, let's say 8 to 4, I wasn't on the dating apps. And that was a saving grace, right? Like it helped me. I'd be mindful, intentional in the morning. I'd go on it, see if, you know, what's up, what's up, dating world. And then I would wait and I would go on it in the evening and have. that boundary can be really helpful. So you're not chronically compulsively checking it.

So another boundary to have that can be super helpful, and it is my rule, a rule that I tell my clients is once you've matched with three people, once you have three conversations going, once you've matched with three people, pause your profile. You can go to your profile. If you don't know how to pause it, Google, how do I pause, Bumble, how do I pause, Tinder, Hinge, whatever. Pause your profile and then engage with those three people. See where it goes. And then once they don't go anywhere, maybe one progresses.

It just limits, it gives you more to focus on, and it's not overwhelming. I know this is different for everybody because I also work with people who don't get a lot of matches, and so when I say three matches, they're like, I wish, and I get that. That's a different issue, and I'll talk on that. If you get matches, once you get three, pause, and then that gives you time to be more intentional. If you're someone who doesn't get a lot of matches, dating apps can be even harder because you're feeling, I have a client who often doesn't get a lot of matches and he feels bad about the way he looks.

And something that I remind him on a regular basis is that, first off, I hope you're sitting down for this. It takes, I read this recent study that says it takes people, I want to say it was like six months to a year, but I think it was more like the average of eight months to find somebody on the app that they end up dating long term. So it takes time. So if you're even getting one match a month, that's. Great, that's great. And oftentimes people frame that in a way like, oh, it's only one, but that's great that you're getting one match a month.

And another thing to think about is like it only takes one person. It only takes one person, that one person, that one date, and that's awesome. So think about it like that. You don't need tons of matches. And if you're not getting as many as you want, First off, I can help you with your profile. I offer profile help without even chatting face to face. It's all over text. Sometimes getting a second eye on your profile can be helpful, but also just being patient with the process. So part of protecting your mental health is having those boundaries, right?

When you get matches, pause your profile, limit your time on the app. It's also okay. I say this hesitantly to take breaks from the app because I do think people need to be consistent in order to get benefit from the app. So many people go on the app for a month, they don't get the results they want and they quit for a month and then they get back on. And that inconsistency is actually hurting your chances of dating, right? It's being consistent while shifting your mindset, having boundaries with the app.

And just slowing down, slowing down your swiping, right? Look at someone and say, okay, you know, what do I like about what they're saying on their profile? What is something that I don't like, right? Just taking your time instead of just that first picture. A lot of people, I've run into this with, I post a lot on TikTok and lots of people comment and tell me their experiences and I I have a lot of people who, this is a problem with dating apps, is that there's so many dating apps. There's so many people, there's so many fake profiles and all this stuff that people overlook average people.

Most of us are average. If I'm walking through the grocery store, people aren't gonna be like, Oh my gosh, Michelle, I'm average. A lot of us are average. And what happens is that we think there's always something better, right? Because of these like fake profiles. So these filters that people use because of these influencers. It's like we're looking for 10 out of 10 Instagram models and it's like be real with yourself, right? Be real. Most people are average and we often overlook average people because we're looking for that 10 out of 10 Instagram model.

And so You're going to think there's nobody out there for you if you're just overlooking people on a regular basis. And that's something to just be mindful of if one, you're someone who's swiping on a regular basis and someone if you're not getting matches, like to remind yourself of like people are really skewed right now. Dating apps are a little wild. And I think that they're still a top place where people meet. I think if you navigate them, use them with boundaries, mindset shift, they're a great tool and people can misuse them.

And when we do that, that's when it causes problems. I met my husband. He says hinge, I say Bumble or vice versa. We met on a dating app and before I met him, I met tons of people on dating apps and I'd go on many of first dates where I'm like, you didn't look like your profile picture or I'd be disappointed, right? And when I started just saying like, I get to meet people and whether it's a match or not, like anyone you meet opens doors for other opportunities. One of my best friends is still really good friends with someone that she went on a date with.

And I went on a date with someone and I was like, he's not for me, but I bet my friend would be a good match with them. And I set them up and they dated for a little bit. So every time you meet someone, it's just that opportunity to learn about someone new. And I think that's really a cool thing that we get to do. So with dating apps, again, people, I understand the fear of them. I understand the urge or desire to avoid them. I understand how they can make people feel bad. And at the same time, if used with boundaries, if used with mindset shift, if used with some support, they can be a great way to meet new people, even friends, right?

And that's something to remember. So if dating apps scare you, remember like, I'm here, I'm a dating coach, I support people with this. Sometimes when you go to your single friends and talk about dating apps, they're like, oh my gosh, don't do it, it's a nightmare. Yes. Yep. It can be hard. But also people meet on dating apps all of the time. All the time people meet the love of their life, like on dating apps and it happens. It only takes that one person, that one date. And so I tell people not to give up, right?

Not to give up and keep putting yourself out there, but to remember that like we don't get our validation from dating apps because we don't know these people. They're strangers. We get our validation from us, from the people that we're choosing to have in our life that love us. We get validation from your skills, like all these things that you're good at and awesome at. We don't put our worth in the hands of strangers on dating apps. That's something to remember every day you're on an app. If you have any questions or anything you want me to talk about in the next upcoming Fridays, please drop a comment.

I'll reach out there. You can also find me on Instagram and TikTok @unstuckbymichelle. I love chatting everything dating, so that's it. I hope that you have a glorious Friday. Oh, and one last thing. I lied. That's not it. I don't think people should be on more than two apps. Two apps is enough. Two apps is enough. It becomes overwhelming. That's just a sidebar. Back to the previous thing, have a glorious Friday. Enjoy the weekend, get some sun, and thanks for tuning in.