Hello, cadre. It is Tuesday. It is February 3rd, 2026. And I worked out, but I have not washed my hair. And I'm a little self-conscious about it because my mother used to say things about my hair, as I've mentioned here before. So this is what it looks like when, you know, let's just work out hair. Being honest with yourself, a great topic that I love because I am in recovery, as many of you know, and there's a step that says we admitted we're powerless of alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.
So admitting stuff to myself is baked in to my adulthood because I got sober at 19. So because there 's another place we admit in step five, so what we do in step four took us searching in fearless, moral inventory of ourselves. Another place to be really, really honest with myself is just take full inventory of who I am, where I am, etc. And then step five is admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs . Now, this is language that if somebody were to come up with the 12 steps today, the language would probably be a little different, but they didn't.
They gave this gift to us almost 100 years ago. So, but the idea here is, is I have to tell someone else, I have to tell myself, the first person that I get to tell, the honest truth to is my higher power, whatever is bigger than me. But then we go to ourselves. And this last go around to the steps that I did, that was one of the toughest places for me because I just, I don't know, after a certain number of years, I've gotten used to the places where I struggle or the places where I ding my integrity a little bit or whatever.
And I have to write that down and then tell myself and then tell my sponsor. Now, for those of you who are not in recovery, or more importantly, for those of you who are and you're not on step four or five, you are not on step four or five, you do not have to worry about telling your sponsor anything. I am just sharing that coming to understand that I am an addictive person, let alone and admitting that to myself. That is literally the first step of the program. It is literally the first step of the program is being completely honest with myself about this one thing, this one thing and everything else in my life actually rests on that bit of honesty with myself.
And so my question for you would be where, what aren't you telling yourself? First thought, whatever came to mind just then, what aren't you telling yourself? What do you know that you're pretending not to know? That's another way of putting it. What do you know that you're pretending not to know? And you can decide to continue to pretend not to know it. You can continue to set your life up as though this thing that you know is that you don't know it. For me, that's life-threatening, right? Because if I know I'm an alcoholic, but I pretend I don't know it, and then I set my life up as someone who's not an alcoholic, would I just die, right?
Or I end up in jail or I hurt someone. There's no good option. There's no good option after that. But what do you know that you're pretending not to know? What are you not telling yourself? Or what are you not allowing to come to full consciousness and awareness? And then I would extend it from there, and I would say that thing that you know and you're pretending not to know is probably the key to unlocking whatever it is in your life that you would like that you don't have. I'm going to say that again.
Whatever it is that you are pretending you don't know that you actually do know is probably the key to unlock the door behind which everything you would choose and want for yourself you don't have. Yeah. Because for me, the things I wanted in my life felt impossible and so drinking felt like a second best substitute, right? Or smoking or God knows the amount of sugar I ate. And you're what you know doesn't have to be an addiction. What you know that you're pretending not to know could be my marriage isn't working.
It could be I'm in the wrong career, something that big. It could be oh, I am with the right person. It could be that. Meaning if you're sitting there blaming all the bad things in your life on your partner, first of all, stop, either get out or get in, get into yourself and figure things out because I guarantee you whatever is wrong with your life is not your partner's fault. I can't guarantee that, right? I don't know everybody's situation. But in most of the situations I've come across, that's true.
It could be oh my gosh, I'm in the right career. But the thing I know about myself is that I'm way powerful than more powerful than I think I am. And I'm not acting like it. That could be one too, right? A lot of us face that. Depending on where you are in life, the thing that you're pretending you don't know that you really do know could be that you're great, that you're really great. I would say most of the mean voices and all of our heads are lying to us and we know it, but we pretend like we don't know it.
We act like we don't know that the mean voice in my head that keeps reminding me of the thing I did in eighth grade. I could just pick one out of random. I have a little tree full of them that I rarely walk under that tree anymore. But sometimes I love to and I just shake it and see what falls. Because I pretend not to know that that doesn't matter anymore. First of all, I made amends for all of that. And so it gets to be a closed door, but I know that it's over, but I pretend not to know. In part because I'm feeling bad about something else, or I am on the verge of some success.
And that feels threatening or it feels wrong. And so my old feelings of my old bad feelings are doing the best they can to stay alive in me. And I'm on the verge of that. And so wow, there it is again, but one of the things I learned from taking an inventory on my anxiety and I have a list as I've mentioned over there of everything, every way that I have figured out that my anxiety shows up, I have on a list. And on weeks like this, on weeks like this, I just go to that list and I just look at it and I'm like, Oh, yeah, my anxiety is running really high.
Because right next to it, I have a list of the antid otes, both things in my life supports in my life that if I do them regularly, it's harder to fall into an abyss of anxiety and then a separate list of, but if I do, here are some reasons. I have that list up as well and I consulted it yesterday because the world is pretty hard right now, especially for people who are based in Minnesota. I think it's affecting everybody, but y'all get a really special dose of the smog that is what's happening. This isn't a political situation here, but y'all get an extra dose of that.
And so being honest with yourself today might mean, sorry for the shaky thing, being honest with yourself today might mean really acknowledging the impact that the current moment is having on your sense of wellbeing, on your sense of capacity, on your sense of ability to just move through the world unfettered. I mean, I am not in Minnesota, but I will acknowledge that I have a unique relationship to the city of Minneapolis. I have a unique relationship to the city of Minneapolis. So, you know, I feel my own fettered way and there 's a reason I was looking at my anxiety list yesterday.
But being honest with myself, okay, because my rule of engagement number two, start from where you are, not from where you think you should be and not from where you want to be. You can only start from exactly where you are. And that means taking a certain kind of inventory, right, that I've been taking a little inventory of where am I actually, how am I actually feeling? Because one of the key things for me regarding anxiety is routine and structure actually help me. As Gretchen Rubin says for upholders, and I am an upholder, if you're familiar with that framework, discipline is our freedom.
And then my rule of engagement number four, trust the decision you made when you were thinking most clearly. I made decisions about my structure and my routine when I was thinking very, very clearly. And so I've just been doing my best to do the things that are part of my routine, my morning routine, including my workout, my evening routine, including my journaling, my lunch routine, which includes supplements and taking a little break and eating a nutritious meal. You know, I have guidelines for myself and place about, you know, the nutrition in my food and how much of my food has nutrition in it, all that stuff.
Because those are the things that I am tempted to have fall away when I'm stressed. Absolutely. But it turns out those are the things that keep me from falling further into the anxiety and stress for me, your mileage may vary. But for me, that's true. And so I've been doing my best to really, if I'm feeling, because I really just want to lie around reading books and watching TV, that's, I mean, that's what I got left at this point. Like, I'm not going to sit around eating sugar or smoking or drinking.
Like, that's not even on the table, which is great. But all I want to do is sit around reading and watching TV. And I don't know, going shopping. I don't know what it is I want to do. But I do know those are the things I want to do. And instead, I'm doing my best to say, well, I have a routine of a certain number of hours on focus mate. For those of you who don't know, you can go to this place focus mate. And somebody else will be there and you'll be on zoom together and work for 25, 50 or 75 minutes in silence.
And just check in at the beginning and the end about what you're going to do and what you did. I have a number, I have a certain number, I work for myself. And focus mate has been extraordinarily helpful for me to keep my routine and to keep me working and getting things done that I no need to get done. And I've just been keeping my routine because I had to be really honest with myself. That poll is not useful. That's another bit of honesty I've learned is it's like a second person who sits next to me.
And we switch back and forth. Have you seen sinners? I'm smoking stack, I guess. There's two of me. But I'm just one person as opposed to they were actually twins. If you know what I'm talking about, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I apologize. So what it means is there's another me. There's this old me that was into all those behaviors and not old me like even going back to being 19. I mean like former me who is, you know, from before I did my anxiety worked so hard for two years on my anxiety.
That person sits next to me and she wants to jump in right here and have me the healthy person, the person who was thinking clearly when I made decisions about my life that I should get in the passenger seat and she should drive for a while. I can I'm in that place of growth where I can see those two versions of me sitting side by side and they're sort of wrestling for who's going to make a decision about what I do next, let alone what I do in general. And so the this idea that I can just decide to trust the decisions I made I made not anxious person made.
And I'm not trying to be unkind to the to the part of me that is so anxious she gets lots of care and attention but she is it doesn't make sense to have that part of me in charge of my life. Who would put an anxious 12 year old in charge of their life? No one. But I do it all I am tempted to do it now all the time and I'm not going to do it. But well I shouldn't say I'm not going to do it. I fall into it and then I come back out more quickly. The goal is then to just stop it altogether. It's not like an addiction like a substance I can just not ever imbibe again.
But it happens less often when it does happen it doesn't last as long and it's easier to leave . It's easier to get out of. So being honest with myself everything in my life every good thing in my life starts with a certain amount of honesty with myself. So I leave this for you. What do you know that you're pretending not to know? Let's leave that nugget for today. What do you know that you're pretending not to know and it could be about anything. But again if you let yourself know it and let it guide decision making now feelings aren't a great decision making guide.
But if you let it be a data point for your decision making I have a feeling a lot of things in life that you would choose for yourself would be behind that level of honesty. And if that's hard to do because I've had to ask myself this question then you get to ask why do I struggle to let my life be great. So have a great week Audrey. I hope that there is lots of fun and joy and laughter in your week coming up and I will see you next week. Happy February.
