Rachel’s Room🛋️

Happy Wednesday, Cadre crew. Hello to you. I'm just finishing my lunch. This is my last potato. It's me. First potato. Hello, everyone. Hello. We have updates. We have news. We have tea. We have an ounce of wisdom, but we are here. Hi, Rach. Hi, Bridget. Do I suck my new spiral earrings because I'm spiraling. So they. They are reflective of my emotional well being. What was. What Did I make a weird sound? Probably. How are we doing, fam? How are we doing? I'm just gonna say that I am very glad that today I'm.

I'm at a five, because I've been at about a zero for a week or so, and to be at a five feels like a big win, so I'm taking that W. Yeah, the last couple weeks have been pretty bad with my mental health. I unfortunately. Oh, I was holding up a potato. That's what I was holding up at the fork. I broke up with my therapist because it wasn't a good fit and because I really am aware of the fact that I need more specialized eating disorder support right now, and she's not an eating disorder specialist.

I first started seeing her for other reasons, and it has now become apparent that what I really need support with right now is my eating disorder. So I'm in the process of looking for a new therapist, which means I am San's therapist at the moment. But the reality is I was talking about my friend to my. I was talking to my friend about this the other day. Like, last week, my. My depression and my eating disorder symptoms were really bad, and I really wasn't doing anything to support myself. I wasn't using any skills.

I wasn't making an effort to do all the things that I' to preach about here. And I got really scared. And I was talking to my friend, and I said, I'm really scared right now because if I wanted to feel better, I would. I know. I know what to do to feel better. I know what to do to cope with what's going on. I'm just not doing it. And that's what scares me, is that I don't have the desire to do the things that I know are going to help. And she reflected back. She was like, well, number one, like, you're talking about it, like, that's probably new.

And I was like, you're right. In the past, when I've gotten to this place, because I've been there before where I just don't even want to try to get better, I don't talk to anyone about it. I Just stay in that space. And things usually get worse. She's like, number one, that's still different. Like, you're still doing something, which is you talking to me. And I know you're talking to your other friends, and I know you're looking for a therapist. So you're actually, you are doing things, and they're new.

New and different things than when you've been in this place before, which was a nice reflection. And then I also kind of, I, I sort of said to her, you know, I think part of the reason I'm not. I'm not doing the things I know I should be doing or could be doing is I'm tired. Like, it is exhausting to use all these new coping skills that are not hardwired into us, that are new and that don't feel familiar and that aren't habitual yet. It's really, really, it's, it's, it's exercise. It's literal exercise for the brain to pause and reroute and choose something different.

When we're so used to choosing a certain, certain coping mechanism, even if it's hurting us, we choose the familiar thing because it's easier, because we know how to do it. It's automated already. There's, there's less resistance because we, we know exactly what's going to happen. Whereas when we use new coping skills, we don't know how it's going to go. We don't know how long it's going to take for it to work. We don't know if it's how it's going to feel or when it's done or how it, you know, it's new.

So we, it's. It makes sense that when we're in a really, really low state that we would choose the thing that's familiar and easy, even if it's more. Even if it's more harmful. And, and I was also kind of reflecting to her, like, I, I feel tired now in the moment. Like, I feel tired. Like I don't want to use skills because I'm too tired. But also I'm tired of having to put my life back together again. I'm tired of getting into this cycle where. Or this part of the cycle where I feel like it's too hard for me to do anything that's going to be helpful.

And sometimes it just makes me feel like it's just always going to be this way, so why should I even try? Like, if I'm always going to end up here, why even bother getting out? And she was like. Because you know what it feels like on the other side. And if 70% of my life can be on that side and 30 on this side, that's still a higher value. The truth is that, like, I'm not in this state more often than I am in a stable state. It's just that when I'm in this state, it feels so perpetual and permanent that I forget that 70% of the time.

If I look at, like, a whole year of my life or whatever, things are. Things are good. So I'm trying to hold on to that right now and do one thing at a time. Stop. Stick to one day at a time. Find a new therapist and not berate myself for not using these skills that I know would be helpful, like getting up in the morning and journaling or meditating or having a regular sleep schedule or slowing down and not doing so many f****** things at once and multitasking. I'm gonna give myself a lot of grace for not doing all of those things and focus on what I am doing, which is speaking about what's going on and talking to my loved ones, trying to find a therapist, still showing up for the things that I'm responsible for.

Like, seeing you doing my job. Even if I can't do it at my highest capacity, I'm. I'm showing up and. And just trying to have a lot of, like, a lot of grace for myself, which is not easy. It's really easy for me to talk about doing it, but having grace for yourself is really hard in practice. So, you know, I say. I say I do that. I say I'm going to do that. But it's. I would say a little 50. 50. It still doesn't always happen, but. Yeah, it's rough, though. And I know, like, I mean, I've talked to a lot of people in the last few weeks.

A lot of my friends who were like. They're like, I've just been like, Milo. They're like, I've just been crashing out. Like, I'm just, like, not well. Like. And it makes. I mean, the world feels like it's falling apart. Our country feels like it's falling apart. There's a lot of greed and inhumane things happening in. In our government, and it's pretty terrifying and can create a lot of hopelessness. Like what? Like, things just feel like they're getting worse at such a massive scale that it's like, why bother?

Even on my individual level, like, do what? Like, what can I even possibly. I can't. I feel it just Makes people feel really, really hopeless and scared and. And if you're an empathetic person, it can bring up a lot of emotions too, because you care about what's happening to other people. So it's just. It's a rough time for a lot of people. And I understand it's not as rough for me as it is for the majority. So I try to also remind myself, like, I. Like my life is a lot easier and better and to focus on the things that are good, which, again, can be hard, like, when our brains are just fixated on this, like the negative of everything.

So that is my little update for you of what's happening in my mental health world. On that note. Oh. Oh. On that note, I'm focusing on good things. Sorry my sweatshirt's so dirty. I'm just like, such a slob today. Hi, Nikki. My book came yesterday. I know this is mirrored, so it's like not backwards or. It is backwards. My book came. This is my new book that comes out on Monday and I'm really proud of it. It's a book of poems and short pieces for navigating uncertainty. So literally, like, s*** that I feel like we need right now.

But it's here. I'm so excited. So that was kind of like a nice little glimmer. A nice glimmer amidst a lot of no glimmers. Also, wow, I'm actually such a slob today. I'm like sitting here. I'm on my period, so I'm super bloated. So I like, unbuttoned my pants while I was eating because that's where we're at right now. So please forgive me for being in that state, Nikki. Okay, so the link to buy. I don't know if you have Instagram, but if you go to my Instagram, it'll be like, just right in my bio.

I don't think I can message you here otherwise I would. And I can't make a comment, so I can't put it in the comments. But a book? Yeah. And I don't think you can Google it yet because it's like on a private link. Because it's on pre order, but it's published by Thought Catalog. It's called Look Up. So I think on Monday you should be able to just Google that and it'll pop up. But in the meantime, I have a link on my web, on my website, and in my Instagram bio where you can pre order it. So, yeah, I'm very excited.

Oh, my gosh. Thanks, Nikki. That's So kind. I appreciate you. And Rach said she's going to try and bop it in the chat, too, but you guys are the sweetest. Thank you. I appreciate you. Oh, man. And what else can I share with you? Hmm? What else? What else? I don't know. My brain has been. Oh, awesome. Thanks, Rach. I wonder if we can even. If we can copy and paste that. I see it. I don't know if we can copy and paste it, but you might be able to, like, screenshot this. And then you knew how you can, like, scan with your text on your phone.

My brain's not working. Also, that's another thing that happens to me when I'm. When I'm depressed is I get really bad. I don't know if this happens to you guys. I get really bad brain fog. Like, I actually. I cannot find certain words. Like, it feels. And as a writer, this is so frustrating. Like, I was writing a caption today for an Instagram post, and I was like, I cannot think of the word for whatever. I'm, like, what I'm trying to say. And I was like, I. Where. Where is stuff located right now?

Like, there is, like, a block to, like, memory and storage. Like, there's just, like, a big old wall, which is very frustrating. Brain fog is no fun. Don't love it. Not my favorite, but here we are. Yeah. Yeah. Brain fog and depression are also. Like, I have. I definitely have to own that. I definitely abuse alcohol when I'm depressed. It's definitely a way for me to avoid feeling any of my feelings, which also contributes to a lot of brain fog and. And then poor sleep, which then contributes to, like, my poor sleep cycle.

And then also poor sleep impacts depression and brain fog. So it's like this really lovely little just conglomerate of things that happen together that I don't feel. Don't feel great about. And. And they're all things I recognize. And it's just such a funny thing to be a person at my age. Like, I'm 36, and, like, my. I was diagnosed with my eating disorder when I was 15, and I sometimes wonder, like, what might have happened if I had a bet, if I had had better tools at that age to cope with whatever I was coping, whatever I was struggling with.

Like, what would my brain be like today? Like, what kind of adult human would I be if I hadn't experienced that at such a young age? Because that was, like, my brain was still forming. So, like, as my brain was still becoming a solid thing, I was starting to have thought patterns about food, body, my worth, communication, my feelings, my. Like, I just. It got really, really wired. And so, like, sometimes I wonder, like, I. I know that I have to try and rew things and it takes a long time, but it's been 25 years.

It's been 26 years, like, and I have to. I have to unwire. I mean, I think I really only started heavily focusing on that stuff, like, 10 years after my diagnosis. So, like, 10 years of my brain becoming a certain thing is going to take double that time probably to. To rewire. So I'm like a third of the way there because I'm 15 years beyond. So like, maybe in five years, maybe when I'm 41, we'll just be like a, you know, trauma free, healthy brain. I don't know. I don't know if that exists, but.

But yeah, I sometimes wonder, like, what are other people's brains? Like, like, what do they think about what's going on in their noggins? Like, I would love to just be able to, like, swap brains sometimes with someone just to like, get that. Just to, like, just to know, like, what do you. How do you see the world? What do you think about all the time? What happens when you look in the mirror? Like, how do you process what other people say to you? Like, I just want to know, you know? Yeah. Nikki says we're all walking around our meat suits doing the best we can.

True that. Also diagnosed at 14. Yeah, it is rough. Start doing group when you start doing group calls or something. I know, right? Like, yeah, it is. And I'm. I'm grateful to you guys for allowing this live to kind of just become a space where we. We yap about these things because I don't have that space right now. And it's really nice to have, like, community and to feel like there are people that are. That can commiserate and be in solidarity. So I really appreciate you all being here. It means a lot.

Okay, my loves, I'm gonna go take Milo for a little walk because it's finally sunny out. So I'm gonna go take my mental health walk with the boy and. And I will see you. I know it is hard that you can't talk back. I've tried hosting group group things in the past, but truthfully, I get very, like. Then I start to go into, like, I am. I'm mentor, I am leading the group mode, and it feels less like we're all gathering together. And so, like, for. Just for my own, like, boundaries, I've had to, like, Stick with this kind of format just because I know myself and I'll kind of like, take it.

I will take it on as like a thing I am running. And then. And then I get, like, stressed from thinking that it's work. But yeah, I mean, yeah, I. I think that, like, the. The value of groups is so incredible. Like, and facilitating a space where people can get together and just talk with one another is really, really amazing. Nikki, you should totally do that. That's. That would be so rad. And I think it's needed. And something I miss about treatment is group therapy. Like, I like one on one therapy, but really what I love is being around people who just get me because they're going through the same thing.

I don't have to explain myself to them. They just. They just immediately understand what I'm talking about. Like, that is so healing. But yeah, I mean, groups. Groups also have dynamics. People might, you know, there's. It's. It's interesting. I took a class on group therapy when I was in my master's class and like, it's very interesting to understand group dynamics and how to properly lead a group and facilitate a group and mediate and make sure that it's a safe space for everyone because people come in with.

With a lot of different perspectives and backgrounds and needs and tools. So it's. It's definitely an interesting. An interesting thing. But yeah, I get that, Rach. Yeah, you're thinking more like friends doesn't have to be formal, but peer to peer. Yeah. I don't know if you guys have heard of ShareWell, but ShareWell is a website that does that. They have free or low cost peer to peer groups for different, like for different categories. And they also. If you want to become a group facilitator, like as a peer, you can sign up to do that.

It's a really. It's a really cool platform. I used to do peer groups with them, so. Oh, cute. I love that you two are connecting. That makes me so, so happy. I love it. I love it, Nikki. That's so cool. Okay, my loves. Well, amazing brainstorm sesh that just happened here. But yes, Rachel Sherwell is really cool. And Nikki, love that you're facilitating the possibility of groups getting together and connecting with Rachel. And I will see you all next week. I'm gonna go walk my pup and maybe do my dishes, which will be good for me, so.

Okay, darlings, I will see you same time, same place next week. Love you both.