Coffee Chats With Dr. D-The Guilt Of Canceling

Hey, Cadre, it's me, Dr. B. I got a lot going on right now, but I am here and I do have coffee. Okay, can y' all hear me now? I'm back. Sorry about that. I plugged in my microphone and I totally forgot about it, so forgot to pick it up. But it's me, Dr. D, with my coffee. I trying to show you how much I got left. So I made using my Nespresso machine, which we're going to talk about that, too, because my Nespresso machine at home is not working. And I went to go make my first cup of the day, and I was disappointed because it wouldn't turn on and I can't figure it out.

So I got to call Nespresso and see what's up. But I made myself a little. It's a white chocolate with a caramel drizzle latte earlier. So I'm still enjoying that. And so. Hello, Speak wonder. So thank you all for joining me today. So I am going to talk about the guilt that comes from canceling things. Okay. Now, this month I have been enjoying, like, the slowness of the new start, the new year, and I've been intentional about that. And so there. That person probably thinks I'm. They just think I'm a bad person.

And I had to check in. Like, where did those thoughts come from? Where does that feel and come from? And if I look back, you know, childhood is. It's a good marker for the things that we experience as adults. And I remember being a little girl and watching how busy my mom was. My mom is a go getter, okay? She was involved in a lot of events. I remember we grew up going to church probably five or six days a week. And she was in school getting her master's degree. She was a leader at her job. She even taught leadership classes and leadership skills.

And my mom was always invited to things. And she also hosted a lot of gatherings for people. And I don't ever remember seeing my mom cancel something. I don't ever remember her saying, oh, I'm not going to make that. I think she just made it happen. And so I gathered that, I guess that character, that that's how I was supposed to be, that I was just supposed to make it happen. And so I remember the last few years of my life, and especially probably in my late 20s, early 30s, that was a time where I was on the move with my career, right?

I worked in child welfare, which is a high crisis, chaotic type of career. Always putting out fires for other people. But I Was also highly involved in my church. I was a single mom to a child with special needs. And I was also working on my master's degree at this time. And I remember, like, I just had so many things going on, but I didn't want to miss anything. And so I never canceled. And the cost of me doing that was I experienced burnout. So I'm going to tell you a little story, okay? This was probably.

How old was I? Maybe 25, 26. Now I was a kind of almost a supervisor. So I didn't have the title supervisor, but I was doing supervisory work and not getting paid for it. I had a son who at the time, I think he was around three years old, special needs again, right. As a heart condition. And I was also in my master's program. Now I remember going to the courthouse to take in a court report for one of my clients. And I was just going through the day like normal, right? To turn in the court report, go do the next thing, go do a home visit, whatever.

And I get to that courthouse, give my report to the judge. I turn around and I don't remember what happened next. All I remember is I woke up in the back of his chambers because I passed out. Okay? I passed out because I was burnt out and didn't know it. So I had to spend probably two days in the hospital from exhaustion because my doctor didn't even know what happened. He's like, I don't know what's going on with you, like, your labs are fine. But at that time, no one was talking about burnout.

No one was talking about stress. And I was just doing too much, trying to prove myself to others. I was trying to do all the things because I had this deep commitment that I couldn't cancel anything. So I was going to all my classes, doing all the projects with groups, you know, working 40 plus hours a week, being a full time mom. And it was just too much. But I never said no to anyone. And so that was my lesson in life where I was like, you know what? It's okay to take a break, it's okay to cancel.

But when I started canceling, you know, let's say I didn't go to a friend's birthday party, or I didn't go to some event at church where I really wanted to go, but I didn't do it because I just couldn't. I didn't have the energy in those moments when I canceled, I felt so bad. So I want to hear from you guys. How does that feel? What are you Telling yourself that what the other person might think of you when you cancel plans. All right, put that in the chat for me. But here's another question for you.

So the second question is, where does that guilt come from? Does it come from your values, your past experiences, or other people's expectations? Now, I believe I experienced. I can't say who it was exactly, but when I cancel something, you know, I seem to have pretty understanding people in my life, but there was one time, and it wasn't a friend. It wasn't. It wasn't anyone, like super close to me, but it was someone that I cared about. When I cancel something, maybe it was a meeting. I think it was a business related thing where that person got upset, like, how dare you cancel this meeting?

The reason why was because they have rearranged their schedule to participate. And something came up for me where I was burnt out, like, I just can't do it. I have to cancel this. But I also told myself, man, you didn't keep your word. They can't trust you anymore. They're not going to work on your team. They're not going to do all these things, right? So I started telling myself these negative messages because I chose to keep myself healthy and I disappointed someone at the same time. So there was this incongruence there where I felt bad for choosing myself because I let somebody else down.

All right, the witness. Oh, you said I'm a badass. Thank you. Guilt tripping from your mom and grandmother. You know what? I think this. I wonder now, I don't know if there's any guys on here, but I wonder if this is something that women struggle with more. If this is a guilt that we have because we're supposed to do everything for everybody and we forget to take care of ourselves. Let me know what y' all think about this. That, yes. But that guilt trip, people, I think women have a way of making us feel bad about ourselves, right?

When we don't show up for somebody else. You know, there's the. The gaslighting that comes in. Or, you know, some women in different cultures, like, they just got to give you a look, like a look of disappointment, like, how dare you? Right? Or maybe they say something just stings because you're like, oh, shoot, I should have just showed up anyway, because I could have avoided that feeling. Now, that's the cost, right? There is a cost of not choosing rest because if we keep showing up because we feel like there's an expectation to do it and we don't want to disappoint someone.

And we want to avoid guilt. That wears down on our bodies, that wears down on our spirits. But there's also a cost of showing up anyway because we're. We're not connecting with ourselves and our own needs. So this is my third question for y'. All. Hold on. What was the core, the cost for you? What have you experienced? What is the cost of ignoring your needs? For me, it was my health. And it also took away time for me, spending that time with my son because I was in the hospital. Or it took away time for me getting my job done because I was in the hospital for two days.

Right. And I had to recover. And the cost also showed up where I had to rearrange my life to make things a little more comfortable and easier to digest, if that makes sense. Okay. Ms. Brittany said you feel different depending on who it is. And yes, your grandmother told you the other day that she was purposely trying to make your mother feel guilty. Oh, and she's 88. Is she feisty? I would love to meet her. Mrs. Brittany is saying I also am intentional about what plans I agree to. Yes. That's helped you not feel guilty and being transparent.

You know what? The transparency. I'm all about it. It's okay to tell someone. You know what? I'm not gonna make it because I'm just tired. It's nothing personal. I'm just tired. I just can't. Because if I showed up anyway, I wouldn't be a good time. Or if you just don't want to go. But hold on. If you agree to show up for something knowing you don't like that person and you just did it anyway just to be cute about it, that's a check that you have to give yourself. Why do I keep saying yes to the things that I don't want to say yes to from the very beginning, not when you change your mind.

That's different. That's a whole different. Whole different experience. But if you start saying yes to things that you know you're not supposed to say yes to or people you're supposed to, you're saying yes to, and you shouldn't start checking yourself early so you don't have to experience this guilt of cancelling. Okay. All right. Exactly. Yes. Yes, girl. All right, y'. All. That's all I got. We're going to continue the conversation next week, so don't forget to show up next Tuesday. Same time, same place.

Now, if you looked at the lineup, I don't know if they fixed it, but I accidentally scheduled the coffee chat later in the day because I was doing it at night. It was like an automatic thing. I was just moving my fingers a little too fast and I scheduled the wrong time. But ignore if it's still on there for this evening. We are not having a coffee chat tonight. Not doing it. I'll be at Jiu Jitsu, but I will see you guys here next Tuesday, same time. And thank you all. The witness. I would love to know your real name if you want to share it.

But thank you for your comments. Thank you for showing up today. And you guys, please go get some coffee because it's cold out there. All right, bye.