MONDAY MOTION w/Roe Letting People Get Close When Intimacy Never Felt Safe

Hello, hello. Good morning. Good morning. Cadre fam. Hello, hello. Welcome. It's Monday, and we got motion. It's the start of a new week. Back to the Monday, the work grind. Hope everyone's doing all right. Give it a few minutes for some people to roll in. Got my coffee going. So it's Monday. It's Monday, y'. All. It's Monday. It's a new week. We got motion. A new day where we get to tackle new things, new opportunities, new challenges, and get after it. We're back to that work grind. We're back to the gym grind discipline.

Family went home. We're running out of turkey and leftovers. And we're back to it. Good morning. Good morning. Who we got here? Chris. Good morning, Chris. Welcome, welcome. For those of you guys that don't know, my name is Rolando. I go by Ro Coach Ro Rose. There's a lot of variations of it. I'm gonna jump right into it. So this week, I want to talk about intimacy, specifically about something personal to me, right? Letting people get close when intimacy never felt safe. To be honest, this week, a couple of friends sat me down and shared their feelings, their expectations of what friendship looked like for them.

They shared how I wasn't spending enough time with them, how they were hurt. They didn't say the words hurt, but that's what they were expressing. And I'm not gonna lie, it didn't feel good. Not because they were wrong, but because they were right. Growing up, for me, intimacy didn't exist. I never learned, never learned closeness, right? I learned a lot about survival. I learned how to distance yourself, how to keep people at an arm's length. What's up? Speakers? Wonder. I didn't. Intimacy was never taught to me.

I was never taught closeness, right. I learned survival. I was taught survival. I learned transactional love. I learned that people come and go. So don't put your eggs all in one basket, right? Or people are going to use you or they're going to hurt you, or they're going to disappear, all these things. So even today in my life, today in my life now, the people that are closest to me, I still keep them at, like, an arm's distance, right? It's like even though they're the closest people in the world to me, they're still at an arm's distance, so they still seem so far away.

And that's what my friends were feeling, and they shared that this week with me. Not out of rejection, not out of lack of love, but just distance. The distance from Someone me, who actually cares about them and loves them. And I'm not gonna lie, like, it was hard to hear. It was hard to hear, but it was even harder to acknowledge because I had to admit to myself that I don't know how to let people in. Yeah, I can build community. I can build people into that friend zone and where it's comfortable.

But when it's to let someone into that intimacy that. Think of the circle of trust you have the three rings. The middle ring is the closest. People that know everything about you, they know your insecurities. They're the ones that'll help you hide a body. Hopefully you don't have to, but then you have the outer ring. And it's people that are like, once removed, you know, the close friends group and, you know, but that their outer ring is, you know, your church family, your gym family, people at work, outer rings.

And for me, I keep everybody in that second middle ground, right? It's like, hey, you know my name, you know a lot about my life, but, like, I'm not going to let you any closer because I might get hurt, right? And that's something that. Have you heard me read the Circle of Poem? No, I'm have to check it out. Send it to me, actually. But even in my level of growth, I've come out of addiction, criminal justice, unhealthy lifestyles and growing up, but I didn't know how to. It's like a new level was unlocked.

Intimacy, right? It's like layers are getting peeled back in this growth, in this learning where intimacy is one of those layers that it makes me want to cry if I'm being honest. Right. I didn't know I had to admit to myself, to my friends, that I didn't know how to let people into that level, know how to be held. I don't know how to be fully known. And I don't know how to allow my chosen family to actually be family. Because these are. That's exactly what they are. They're people that I've chosen to be my family.

And I recently realized that there's levels to everything. Discipline, faith, fitness, purpose. But intimacy, letting people close, like, that's a level. That's a game I've never learned how to play. Right? So at this point, this wasn't. This wasn't just about them. I also have family that I keep at a distance too, right? And I share all these things because I share a lot of stuff in the past and things that I went through. This is something I had to face this week, and I'm going to keep it real with you all.

You guys are my Cadre fam, right? But I have not just friends, but family that I keep at the arm's distance. I've created a new life for myself outside of addiction. And doing that, I kept everyone at a distance that wouldn't hurt me because I was scared of getting hurt, going back to old ways, drugs, alcohol, whatever was. But these are the people who care, right? These are the people I'm still allowing to get a certain, I guess you could say surface level. But that's how. That's all I knew how to offer without feeling unsafe, right?

But what. After reflecting the last couple days, what I realized is that, like, discipline, it can be good, right? But for me, like the distance, the distance is protection when I'm in survival mode, right? But when. When it becomes isolation, then it becomes. When I'm in healing, I'm processing right now when I'm in my healing stage and I keep that distance, that's isolation, and that's going to hurt me more than anything. But I'm not in survival mode. I'm in that healing space. So I can't keep that distance there.

If I'm in my healing phase, in my healing mode right now, and I call it distance, it's false. That's isolation. Because these are the people specifically for this space that I should be allowing to let into my life. And yes, it does require me giving them permission to hurt me and hoping they don't. And that's that level of hurt and stuff that a lot of people don't, including myself, aren't comfortable allowing people into. So I'm learning intimacy the same way that I've learned discipline, by doing it slow, intentionally, and not perfect.

Because this is a good example this past week that I'm not perfect at. I thought that by me keeping people at a distance, that they just considered me a friend that just didn't come around as much. And I had all these things in my thoughts, all these ideas and feelings and things about knowing that I can't allow people in, that I, you know, I'm scared that they'll hurt me. I've never learned intimacy. These are all things that I kept inside. But in my friends that are trying to be close to me, all they seen is, you're being selfish.

You're not hanging out with us. You only come around when you want to have fun. Fun are we this and these. These are all the things that people care about me, are thinking because I didn't tell them how I felt. I didn't tell them my struggles. I didn't share them with them, that I don't know how to be loved closely, that I don't know how to build intimacy, that I never learned it. This is me as a 35 year old adult having to share that with other adults my age. And that was hard. So if I don't tell them that, they're assuming things or making assumptions.

Yeah, they know I'm a good person, but they don't know what's going on. Going on. Now that the topic came up and I shared with them what I was going through, now they understand and they were. It was a relief for them and it was sad because they, they were hurting. They love me, they cared about me and I care about them too. But there's this gap between us that we had to figure out. And I've been struggling with this for a minute, but this rolls it to the surface. My friends, because it was after Thanksgiving and friends giving and they're like, all right, we need to talk, right?

And they sat me down and put me in the hot seat. And I'm grateful for they did. It was awkward, it was uncomfortable, I hated it. But I loved it because it showed that they cared about me, right? They care about me and they're willing to sit me down and talk about these things. So now I'm learning all over again in this new level. It's like I have all these tools and things, but they've only gotten to me certain levels. Now I've marked this new level of intimacy with close friends. As an adult, I'm wearing that.

Love requires access, right? It requires risk, it requires vulnerability, it requires openness. And just to be straightforward, I can't keep all these thoughts in my head, bottle them up, go hang out with my friends and not talk about those things. Only talk about things I'm comfortable with. Fun fact. It's not really fun, but, you know, I'll keep it real. The only things I usually talk about my friends with are the things and challenges that I've already overcame or just finished up on. I don't really share the current ones.

So that's what I'm doing here with you guys. Because I know I can't be the only one going through this, right? But yeah, speak, wonder. You're exactly right. Like love requires access. And that's something I didn't know how to give because access comes with, you know, vulnerability, right? So the very thing that I fear is also, it's the same thing that's actually going to help me. I fear of letting get someone close, but in order to get over that, I'm gonna have to let someone get close. So it's kind of seems counterintuitive, but that's just the way intimacy, connection, and love works with the right people.

So I share all this to share to you. I share all this today with you just to make it real, right? I am not the only one dealing with this. We all have levels of learning. We all have levels of growth. We all have levels where we have friends and family and people that we keep at a safe distance, especially when we're evolving and becoming new versions of ourselves. We meet new people, and it could be uneasy. Like, do I let this person in? Do I not? What do I give them? Do I give them everything?

Do I give them just the good stuff, the bad stuff? Not everything is meant for everybody. But you find that close group of people where they're probably in your life because they want to share in your struggles, they want to share in your challenges, they want to share in your growth and your glory. And I've had that hard realization this week. So it was an eye opener, but it just rose to the surface and opened up the conversation to things that were going on in my head because a lot of conversations go on inside my head that never come out, that need to come out through them.

Friend groups. So I asked you guys today, what's one relationship that you've kept at a safe distance not because they're unsafe, but because closeness feels unfamiliar, awkward. I challenge you. Drop in the chat or reach out to those people. If you have people in your family, in your life, friend group that you know have been there for you, they've been trying, they've been applying themselves and showing up for you, but you've just been a little hesitant to reach out and to share something and to let them in, right?

Whether it's struggles, relationship, financial. It's. It's good to talk to people about it, right? And I challenge you. Just re Plan some time. Prioritize those people. Prioritize them. Prioritize the time to be vulnerable with them. Sit them down, say, hey, I just got to keep it real with you. And once you say that, it's like you open the floodgates, but make sure you use discernment and do it with the right ones, right? So open up a little time. Let someone you love in without earning it, right?

Let someone love you. Because that's what I'm dealing with, right? Now. So I'm sharing this list of things to do, because it's my list of things I have for myself to do. This week, I'm going to reach out to three different friends and, like, hey. And say, hey. I just got to keep it real with you. I've been struggling with these things, with allowing people to come close into my life, with being intimate, with being intimate, and learning how to. Intimacy works in friendships. Because growing up, I was never taught intimacy.

I was taught distance and survival mode. But we're not in survival mode no more, y'. All. We're not in survival. We're in our healing journey. We're in our healing era. So let's heal together. Because community isn't built by staying far away. It's by allowing people in close, bringing them close, and putting in the work to make sure that they stay close. So that's what I got for you. That's real raw. Hot off the press. Feelings are still a little bit simmering, so it's really. I just wanted to share that with you because we all suffer with things.

We all chat, we all go through challenges, and that's what the Cadre sphere is about, right? Sharing things that are really going on in real life, in real time. And the holidays is a perfect time for a lot of those feelings and things to come get the. For the pot to get stirred up. So just wanted to share that with you and let you know that, you know, if you're feeling the same type of things that I have or challenges that I did, there is hope for all of us. We just have to get those conversations going with the right people and put in the work.

No matter how awkward and uncomfortable it feels, it can be done. So with that, I'm gonna finish my coffee and get back to the work grind. Because it's Monday, we got some motion, and some of it involves sitting behind a desk for a few hours. So have a great week. Happy holidays. See you guys next week, weekend.