Rules Of Engagement

Good morning, Cadre. Good morning. These are my daily wear glasses. These are not my computer glasses. I hope it's okay that we're chatting with these glasses on. I hope everybody's having a good week given everything that's going on in the world, which seems to be challenging for everyone. Like, everyone seems upset and like we're living under. Hello. Whoa, Nelly. I'm so glad you're here. I'm just saying welcome. And I think this is as great a time as any for this topic that we're talking about, which is community connection.

And we can take that a few ways. Just connection with other people at all, but also finding your people, being comfortable in those communities. But I'm also big on bridging and. And being able to make community with people who don't feel like you're natural. These are my people people. Because if we all just stick to the these are my people people, it's very hard to learn and grow. There's a lot we can learn from people who are like us. But my experience, that's all I can share, is how much I have learned from extending myself into places where initially I didn't feel comfortable and then have come to feel very comfortable.

I don't know that I have a rule of engagement about that, but that's something that I should consider, right? You know, sort of that comfort zone experience regarding people. I do have many rules of engagement that have to do with community. And as an elected official, I really approach my work from a community standpoint. I came out of community organizing and I kept that mentality as much as I could when governing. But the tools of governance are different than the tools of community organizing.

This is in the weeds for anybody who's interested in political stuff. And one of the. Hello, Speak, Wonder. Welcome. One of the things I've noticed is that organizing community folks, advocacy communities, are aghast that when elected, somebody picks up the tools of governance, which requires setting down some of the tools of organizing. You can use the tools of organizing differently inside of government and with your allies and friends and such. It's not that you have to give up every tool, but there are some tools of organizing that you set down when you go into government.

And unless you know what governance requires or you think about it for five minutes, it can feel like a betrayal. And why is this elected official doing this instead of that? Like, why is Betsy Hodges running the police department instead of shaking her fist about the police, that sort of thing? Because I had a different set of tools to make an Impact on policing and shaking my fist was a blunt instrument given that I actually had my hands on the levers of power. That's why that was a complete side note.

I didn't even intend to talk about that today, but here we are. But community connection is so important. C. you know, I have a lot of community. I'm a person in recovery, so I have a lot of community there. I do peer counseling, so I have a lot of community there. I have a deep and wide group of friends, political and otherwise, in including people I went to junior high with that I'm still friends with community nurses and sustains me. Given what I've been through in my life, I could not function without it.

And I could function, I think, not particularly well and not happily and maybe not as long as I will function with it. But my dreams can't come true without community. My dreams can't come true without community. That's 100% true. So what are some of my rules of engagement that have to do with community and this perspective? I'll start with rule of engagement number 17, which is people are a good use of time. It is very easy for me to forget how important community connection is to me. It is very easy for me to forget that because the abuse I suffered in my young life left me very, very isol.

I didn't tell anyone about it until I was in my 20s and I had been sober for a while before I really openly talked about the full breadth, side notes and bunny trails. That can be your. That can be a new podcast or something. Side notes and bunny trails. Just me following my. You and me following our brains down the rat, down the warren. People are a good use of time. The reason I have it as a rule of engagement and actually one of my guidelines, but it's a rule of because both. Because it's very easy for me to forget how supported I am by community and that it really, really matters.

My instinct is to go in by myself if I'm having a hard time, just because that was how I got through what I got through as a young person. And I learned that lesson pretty well. I had a ton of friends. I just didn't use those relationships to. I use them to stay alive, actually, as a. As a young person and a teenager. But I didn't use them to heal, I guess is what I'm saying. People are a good use of time. And then I actually have a guideline number 11, like it or not, Company makes life better.

And that's for me in specific, like, ooh, Tipsy bean. See? So many good names. Company makes life better. Like it or not, Betsy. And sometimes I don't like it. You know, if you want to go far, go alone. If you. If you. What is it? If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. Okay, but I'd like to go fast and far alone. Like, that's kind of how I'm wired, not how I'm wired. That's how I was shaped, and I'm shaping myself differently now. And Cadre is part of that, right? Community connection.

Cadre is community connection. And that's one of the strengths of what Cadre brings to all of us, is that things that we feel like we're alone with, we're not alone with. Anytime we need a boost or we need to hear something different than the voices in our heads, we have Cadre to turn to, which is amazing. Another guideline that helps me stay in community when I don't want to is guideline number 22, which we've talked about before. If. If I think the problem is someone else changing, I have misidentified the problem.

People are going to be exactly who they are. I can ask for something different, and I get to make choices about what I will do if they do or do not provide it. That's my boundary, right? I can ask you. I can say, he, speak, wonder. I don't know what I would or would not ask you to do. You are a delight. You know? You are delight. I don't feel like, oh, I have to set a boundary there. But, hey, guy on the bus, could you please move your leg? You know, you're taking up two seats, and I want to sit down.

Can you please move your leg now? I can't make him move his leg. I could try and use brute force, let's say, because I'm strong. Let's say I could, must. I'm not gonna, right? That's not who I want to be or choose to be. But I can ask for what I want. That is who I want to be and choose to be. And I can ask him. And if he moves, then great. If he's grumpy about it, not my problem. That takes a lot of more practice on my. As much practice on my part to learn how to not be a problem when someone sort of maliciously complies with a request.

That will bait me as much as screwing up the courage to ask for what I wanted. But but if he doesn't comply, what am I going to do? Right? Who do I choose to be in that moment? Do I want to be a jerk? No. Right. But the solution to my problem is not him changing. It's not like making him a better person in the moment. Right? If this the solution to my problem is someone else changing, being a different person from who they are from, then I've misidentified the problem. Because then in that moment, the problem is my piece.

The problem is I have lost my serenity. The problem is I have lost my perspective and I have lost sight of who I choose to be, which is someone who allows other people to be who they are while still asking for what I want and making decisions about what I'll do if I do or do not get it. Why do I bring that up? Because community is hard. That's why it's designed to be. Right. Once we are jostling with other people, once we're in the mix, what does Brene Brown call it once we're rumbling, you know, with other people, or whatever it is people call it, once we're in there and we're really doing it, people push our buttons and we have vulnerable spots that they unknowingly push and sometimes knowingly push.

Right? Community can be difficult for all that it is beautiful and wonderful and we need each other. Like we need air and like we need water. We need other people. People for all of that. Sometimes it can be hard. And because the places they're hurt smack up against the places I've been hurt, and then I feel some kind of way, and unless I have ways of feeling and releasing those feelings, I'm just going to launch them at the other person. And then unless they go somewhere and heal from the feelings, usually from a long time ago, usually it's not about what's happening in the moment.

Most things, unless they heal from that and then come back to me in a new frame of mind, we're just gonna. And so I consistently have to learn the skill of letting people be who they are, letting me be who I am, taking a breath, taking a moment, stepping away, learning a new skill. That is guideline number 22. If my problem is some. If I. If I think the problem is someone else changing, I have misidentified the problem because I don't have any control over other people. And trying to get control is the number one way out of myself.

Number one way. Well, no, sorry. The number one way out of myself is my addictions. But that's for Another day. And then Also guideline number 30, ask for help in how to get help. I have to do this a lot. I don't like to ask for help. I have a chronic recording in my head that says I don't know how, I don't know how, I don't know how. Even for things I do know how to do. But. And what I don't know how means to me is. And I. And I'm incapable. Either I'm incapable of figuring it out or it's going to take so much time and energy to figure it out that I'm not going to have the bandwidth at the end to do what I wanted to do with that information or whatever it is.

And I can just ask for help and how to get help. And I. And what the ease I'm giving myself with this right now is I am not expecting myself to do it the hardest way first. Right? You don't have to do it the hardest way first. I don't have to go to a stranger and ask for a favor first. Right. Nowadays I can ask AI, how would I like figure out how to do this right? And this is about community, connection. But for those of us for whom people are a little angsty, sometimes they. There's an agita. Ask for help on how to get help.

Exactly. If people, if you're like me, and sometimes asking for help can feel dangerous because as a young person it would have been dangerous for me to ask for help for what I was going through then just starting somewhere that stretches me a little instead of stretching me a lot is really helpful. I've been setting up a new computer for those of you who've done it. You know what a nightmare that is because I have to redo the certain software I now have to buy new licenses for. And I had to re enter all the passwords for my various email situations.

And you know, yesterday was my day of tech difficulties. And so for each one of those things, I had to get some help. And I did get help, right? I started with AI, but then I moved on to talking to people, which is great. And that's another reason Cadre is so great. If you've got mental health issues. And it seems like a big, big leap to make a phone call to a therapist, by God golly, you have Cadre and you can come on, you can connect with people here, you can listen. It loosens it up just a little bit.

You can get some help and support. And if you need more than what you're getting there, there's all the tools and resources right there at clicks right I'm a fan of Cadre. I really think Cadre fills a space in especially American life that needed to be filled and Cadre's doing a great job of it. So community connection matters and it's important people are a good use of time. Like it or not, Company Light makes life better. And if you're some things that might get in the way of community, if the idea that they need to change, I've misidentified the problem.

If I think the problem is they need to change, I'll leave you with two thoughts. 1. My rule of engagement number 12 is put yourself out there. Put yourself out there. I don't have to do it in the hardest way or the biggest way to start. I'm excited to have you here t north 66. You don't have to I don't have to start in the biggest way or the hardest way, but putting myself out there is just a really good rule of engagement. I don't always have to do it. I can't always figure out how to do it. But it is one of the ways I guide my ship is toward putting myself out there.

If it's not clear from how I love to talk on Cadre Live and the last one I will leave you with is one of my life God one of my life guidelines. If people are too much, I have the rule guideline 39 I may choose. I may turn it into a rule of engagement. Actually, I may. Right now it's guideline 39, but it might become rule of engagement. Animals every day. Animals every day. One of the things I realized was hard about all the travel I do was that I, you know, because I can do animals every day when I'm at home because I live with two cats and you know, feed birds and etc.

But when I'm traveling, I realized one of the things was hard was that I don't necessarily see animals every day unless I make a point of it. So I will go for a walk if I'm out of town and just try and see somebody walking their dog. Squirrels are fine, honestly, squirrels, birds, whatever. I just need not animals. I don't. And I love trees. But it's not get outside every day. It's animals every day. If I go more than two days, say without seeing an animal, knowing that's what I'm life is harder for me.

And that might seem like a strange way to end community connection, but I know there are a lot of us who have had our connections to community interfered with in some way or another by the negative things that happen to us. And while I'm encouraging us to head in the direction of community because it is life affirming and life saving when we do it in ways that nourish us rather than deplete us. Some days if you can't, if I can't, if I. I'll just speak for myself. If I can't manage it, at least I have animals.

Animals every day. So all day, every day Speak wondered Glad you are on the same page with me about that. Animals every day. When in doubt animals every day just go look at a squirrel running around or listen to the birds. Sometimes it can just be listening to the chimney swifts swoop around at night eating bugs during sunset during twilight hours, you know. So that's what I got for you. So excited to be here with you Cadre. I'll see you next week and until then be awesome and I or you know, remain awesome.

Not even be awesome and I will see you on the app.