Multitask While Crashing Out

Hi. Hello. Welcome. My name is Brittany. I am a Cadre contributor. Can you tell? I'm confident in all my titles. First off, thanks for hanging out with me today. I live in Minneapolis and. Hi, Kelly. Thanks for hanging out. I live in Minneapolis and yesterday. So I know my live stream was about crashing out. And we'll do that live stream for sure. Because guess what? There's always time to crash out in my life. Hi, Nikki. But you know what? Here in Minneapolis, about a mile from my house, we had a school shooting at an elementary school.

And I want to talk about grief. So we're going to do that. I think we can all tap into a time where we've lost something or someone or something. Hi, from Speak Wonder. It's nice to see you. So I do have some notes because I, I have a radio show. Okay, let's rewind. My name is Brittany. I'm an alcoholic of 15 years. I'm an army veteran and I. And I'm sad and I'm mad and I'm confused and I'm. All the things that everyone else here in our country is feeling and, and especially here in Minneapolis, I have a radio show, many from Brittany and Kendall and my talk 1071.

And yesterday we had our show that just focused on what was happening and how we were feeling. We're not a news show, we are a pop culture show. We have a lot of levity in our show, but we were both moms too, and we both are part of this community. So it was a. We ended up getting a lot of specialists and talking about grief. So I have some notes from my show, but otherwise this will be, this will be literally just me talking about our feelings and where we're at. And yeah, it's a lot. If you don't, if you're wondering, kind of like, I'm sure you know, but we have a cute Catholic school.

All the kids that go wear Catholic outfits, little jumpers and the oversized sweaters and the boys wear the little polo shirts and Annunciation Catholic School, we have family friends that go to this school. We have a lot of kids in this neighborhood go to this school. And yesterday somebody. We had a mass school shooting at this school where any age from, I mean, we had 6 year olds to 12 year olds. And yesterday we lost an 8 and a 10 year old to a school shooting. And at the time there were 17 people that were put in the hospital, one of which is a family friend.

Well, it's a family friend's cousin, so she's okay. Stitches in the head. But yeah, I feel like it's so hard for adults to process what happened. And the fact of the matter is now we're asking children to process this as well. You know, we talked about this, is that we have numbers on who, who was physically harmed. Everyone is a casualty in this. Everybody is walking away with wounds in this. I promise you that. Because my, because our neighbor, right, my sister's neighbors, she lives a mile from me, we're good, you know, she's.

We got to visit them with my dogs yesterday and check on the kids and some of the things that the kids were saying, who experienced, who were in were. It's just such a wild thing to say is that were in the building during the school shooting, were involved in this, were at a school shooting. Some of those kids said things I'd only heard army people who experienced war saying casually talking about who got shot and who didn't coming from a six year old kid. So yeah, I think we're all feeling that heaviness.

I think no matter where you are, you know, you watch the national news and it's funny, it feels like the same tone that's here in Minneapolis is why, you know, and like how. And you're angry and you're mad and you're sad and then you have, you have a kid, you have a moment of feeling so thankful and then guilt swallows you whole because God forbid that you think of anything positive or if you laugh a little bit. My mom is in town, she came in town and she been helping me out. I'm also at the state fair, Minnesota State Fair as well.

Talk about that juxtaposition. We didn't go to the state fair yesterday to broadcast, but if I eat a corn dog, am I not mourning the loss of these kids? I know that sounds so stupid, but it's like these are the things that grief does. It's so all over the place. And like I've had, I've had some big losses, you know, and there are losses that confuse me. But this is a really confusing one. And this happened. I know a lot of veterans have experienced this confusing loss before and I know a lot of people have like, unfortunately that is something that ties us all together.

And maybe there's something in that with the idea that I don't think you get out of this life without having grief that is simple, simple grief. Like what even is that right? There's the idea of like a non complex relationship. 99 year old sweet grandma passes away and you go, I just get to grieve I loved her. There was no, you know, doesn't happen. This is such a complex. There's so many layers. And I really want to make sure I mentioned we talked to a bunch of specialists yesterday, and. Oh, yeah, speak.

When a real guilt swallows you whole, guilt does swallow you old. And it's. I once talked to this therapist who's talking about these secondary emotions that really just rock your world. Right? Guilt. But. Okay, so I want to give you advice because even though of course, mostly I just want to tell you I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm. I'm all the things just like you are, and it's a lot. And. Okay, so we're holding space for that, and that's okay, right? We can be mad, sad, all the things together, and they're all gonna come hit us at different times, and we're gonna note that, and we're gonna verbalize that.

That's important. So I talked to the specialists yesterday on our show. Talked to a bunch of specialists in the Ones. And I'm sure people are jumping on Cadre and giving this advice, too, because we have amazing specialists as well. And it talked about what to do in a world where you have to talk to especially your kids about this tragedy now, or just like, people in general, the first thing they said, and this is just so powerful, I feel like, Nikki, like, this would be good advice for you as well, is that take a beat.

Nothing needs to happen right now. If you want to talk to a neighbor, if you want to talk to your kids, if you need to communicate, like, the first thing you need to do is take a beat. Nothing needs to happen first. So we talked about this with caregivers, especially if you know a parent or a caregiver in your life and you want to support them, allow space for them to take space. You know, maybe it's a, hey, do you want to go for a walk? I would love to. Or do you want to go for a walk? I'll watch your kid or something like that.

And then the other thing, and this is like, Cadre knows that I know this is. You don't have to say the perfect thing to anybody. Nobody's sitting here looking for you to bring good answers. And I know, like, especially in a time where you're like, we should be. This thing happened to us, right? That nationally we can talk about. But, like, how do you even broach that subject? You know? Like, just know you don't have to have the perfect thing to say. I mean, I jump on Cadre a lot and not like in last live I had my dog Murphy next to me just farting like crazy.

Like, this is not a place for perfection. There rarely is unless you're like a freaking open heart surgeon. A lot of things that we are doing are not. Does not need perfection. There's power in also verbalizing to people. I don't know what to say right now. I know like let that sink in. Is like lead with that genuine, absolutely sincere place of I don't know what to say right now. When you're talking to somebody, anyone who's dealing with grief, especially if you're talking to somebody who's directly affected by this is start leave with that.

Because nobody knows what to say. We shouldn't have the words. We shouldn't have to figure out the process. Our brains shouldn't have to figure this out. So I thought that was super powerful. Is like don't wait for the perfect thing to say to people going through it or anyone you want to broach the subject with. Just know like nobody knows what to say. And there is power in acknowledging that. Okay. Thought that was really good advice. That removing the pressure to say the right thing. Practice saying.

And if you do feel anxious about talking to somebody who's really going through the grieving processes could practice and verbalize have something to say. You know that being present and honest with yourself as you're talking about it is super important. I know that this is such a good reminder of you never know where people are at and what people are dealing with. And again, like I would have to say like one thing that's speak wonder said. There are no words. The most profound thing somebody said to me when my husband died suddenly.

I bet there are no words. And like speak wonder. It's like interesting too because I'm sure you weren't sitting there hoping somebody was going to say something that was going to solve the grief of losing your husband. Right. You're not looking for a solution. I. You don't even probably know what you're looking for. I wouldn't know what I was looking for if I lost something that big, something that you know. And I think that's super powerful. I'm really glad you said that because I've had big losses in my life and most of the time all you want is to know that people are there.

Sometimes you don't want them there. You just want to know that they could be. I find that so powerful. Let's just sit in that for a second. There are no words. Because there aren't any when people are going through that. And again, I can't stress enough. We always feel like when we're approaching somebody who's going through this big grief, this big thing, that we should have the solution. Or we should. Minnesota. We like to solve things. We're doers. Okay? So we, you know, if I tell my mom, you know, I'm so like, oh, I'm so tired.

I had work this and that. She goes, how can I help? What can I clean? And it's like, sometimes you just want to say it, right? Sometimes you don't need doers. Just know. Like, I think showing up, being brave enough to have conversations with people about grief in whatever way like you see fit, I think is so powerful. And give yourself grace. Give know that you would give other people grace. And I think the most thing. The. The biggest takeaway I've experienced with my own grief is that sometimes I just want it acknowledged and not ignored.

But that's me. I mean, there's. We also talked about too. Our show is like, everyone grieves in different ways. And that's okay. If you're not a public crier, if you're not like me and could ball at any point, all the time, that's okay. I live. My co host is very stoic. She cries in different rooms. When I know we're having a hard day. Like yesterday, when we're going to broadcast about this tragedy, there'll be times where she just gets up from our cubicle and goes in another room. And I know Kendall's.

I know she's crying. I know she's upset, and that's the way she grieves. And then me, the open wound I am, will cry in front of everybody. There's no right or wrong way. There's no. Nothing's inappropriate. Nothing's wrong with that. And like, give yourself grace. Speak. Wonder also wrote another thing. I just wanted someone to be as devastated as me and the. That terrible moment. Isn't that so true? Like, you lost something so big. I'm so glad you shared. I'm not really in a place sometimes to talk about my own stuff with loss.

And. And thank you so much. Speak Wonder for sharing. That is like, yeah, sometimes you just want somebody to be as sad as you are. At least like, acknowledge how sad you are. Because like we said, there's no real moment where you're gonna go. Thanks for coming in and solving that. Making me feel better. Yeah. So yesterday we lost two kids here in Minneapolis. There's no solution to that. We're gonna have a big scar. And there's gonna be families who last pictures of their kids are the ones where they went to school for the first day of school pics, and they're never coming home.

And there's no solution to that. There's no words, there's no action we can do to solve that. There will be a scar. There will be an empty seat. There will be broken hearts in those families forever. But. But. No, but's not the right word. And something that is also true is Minneapolis is going to support those families. What is also true is Minneapolis is going to show grace and love and create a path forward. And people who are mindful, people that care, people like you, people like me, are gonna keep showing up and maybe crying in public to each other, maybe buying groceries for each other.

We're gonna keep showing up, and we're gonna keep having hard conversations or sit quietly or go for a run with that. I mean, we're gonna keep showing up in whatever way we can. And that is so powerful. And. And, you know, if anybody can, it's Minneapolis. And I feel so strongly about that. And I so sorry if you were looking to figure out how to multitask or crashing out, but guess what? We're gonna do that as well. Thank you so much for having me on this live stream. And I. I just know that our priorities have to be each other, right?

I mean, if that doesn't hold true, then I don't know what is. So take that for what it is. And I am so thankful for Cadre because, you know, even though I have a radio show and I talk about this, I get. I get disgustingly honest here, and I'm very thankful for that space. Not everybody has that privilege. And if you are here with me today, thank you for sharing that space as well. And thank you so much. Both Nikki and Speak wonder because you showed up. Okay. All right. No, it's the awkward goodbye.

Goodbye. And have a day.