Rachel’s Room🛋️

Happy Wednesday Cadre Crew. Don't forget to hydrate, don't forget to eat. I'm having my lunch like a good girl. Hi Rach, I am officially back from my vacation and boy oh boy do I have a lot to share. So I, I think I shared this with you a couple weeks ago my last live that I was going to Italy with my best friend for a week and I did and I'm back and before I left I was experiencing a pretty serious relapse in my eating disorder and depression. And that was kind of like my last update with all of you.

So there is a lot to share now post trip that I'm excited to tell you about. So if you're just joining or don't have any context, I I have struggled with an eating disorder for about 16 years and depression as well and have been in treatment twice for my eating disorder and therapy for all that time and for the probably like two months leading up to my trip last week my eating disorder got about as bad as I did the last time I had to go to treatment and my depression was also really really bad and I was, I was really excited to go on this trip because it was my first vacation in about a year and every time that I travel and like actually take time off of work and just allow myself to be present with my, my trip, I always find that I experience like a very a big reset for a lot of reasons and I was hopeful that that would happen and, and it did in a number one.

Like getting away from my day to day routine allowed me to start to see things through a lens of gratitude again, which is a practice that I have been in and out of for many years. And anytime I'm in the practice of gratitude I always feel better. But sometimes it's really hard to get back into gratitude when I'm depressed because it feels like there's nothing to be grateful for. And it's really hard to be grateful for things when the day to day routine is exactly the same because everything feels the same.

So oftentimes getting out of my routine and being somewhere new, it's a lot easier to start exercising that muscle because things are novel, things are brand new, so I'm seeing new things for the first time and they feel exciting and different and joyful and so kind of like on accident I was able to exercise that muscle for a full week which strengthened it, which meant that I was like kind of automatically using gratitude glasses. And so that's been a really great shift to like start to see Things through a lens of gratitude and experience the world from that framework again for the first time in a long time, which has been really, really nice.

The other thing is I was traveling with a friend which meant I had accountability at meals. We, we had breakfast every morning, we had lunch, we had dinner. And so I was really having like full meals and also really enjoying the food abroad and not restricting myself and fueling my body and getting back into a rhythm of like, oh, it's actually really enjoyable to eat something that I want to eat rather than what I think is going to be right for me or healthy or whatever or like eating disorder oriented and kind of like building back a relationship with food that felt very loving and nourishing and joyful rather than fearful or coming from a place of restriction.

And, and it was also really lovely to have the opportunity to talk to somebody like, who knows me and loves me about what I want for my life. Like we had the chance to talk about our futures and where we see ourselves going and what we want and what we dream about and getting the chance to like really dream and, and like experience that, like having enough space and time to dream and talk about our dreams. It was also really good for me because I was feel very stuck and feeling very much like I didn't know what I wanted for myself or like I didn't want anything for myself or like I wasn't motivated because I didn't see anything for my future.

So having that opportunity to have conversations about things that we desired and what we dreamed about like allowed me to get into that mindset of like, oh, like there's, there's possibility for me out there besides just period, there's possibility out there. And so I'm, I'm trying really hard to hold on to that now that I'm home. I've noticed already like my nervous system has kind of like started to get back into overdrive because I have to return to work. I have to fulfill my responsibilities and not on vacation 24 7.

So managing that anxiety and the stress of those responsibilities while trying to maintain this lens of gratitude, while trying to maintain a loving relationship with my body and food, while trying to maintain this notion that there is a future for me and one that I can dream about and plan for are sort of like three things that I really took away from the trip and are things that I'm trying to keep with me and implement on a day to day basis. And it's really amazing to me. And this happens every single time I experience this.

How quickly that shift can happen, like, literally in one week from, like, practicing gratitude and like, focusing on, you know, like, a loving relationship with food and like, really visualizing and dreaming about the future. Like, just doing that for one week was able to, like, shift my mindset just enough. That's not to say that, like, I don't still feel some of that depression creeping in and some of those eating disorder thoughts creeping in now that I'm home and back to that regular routine.

It absolutely is. This morning I was noticing, like, I just did not want to get out of bed. I was also having some negative thoughts about my body and some, like, urges to restrict. And so it's not like it goes. It's not like all that goes away. And I'm reminded that by practicing those things on a daily basis and be consistent, like there is. It does. It does help. It does work. So I'm feeling hopeful. I am still planning on finding a dedicated eating disorder therapist that's on my list today to email this, this facility because I do know that it's going to be important for me to still have, like, professional support.

And I'm really also just trying to focus on, like, going slow. Like, something that I realized while I was not having to work every day, which was a privilege for a week to be able to do that, was how much I'm in overdrive mode and like, in a sense of urgency, multitasking, feeling like I don't have enough time. I always have enough time. But by being in that mindset, my body's constantly in a state of, like, hyper vigilance and anxiety, which perpetuates this feeling of stress and not having enough time.

So I'm really trying to focus on slowing down, doing one thing at a time, not being on my phone while walking or eating, trying to. Trying to really focus on what I'm doing and being present to reteach my body, that it's safe, that I have time and that it's okay to go slow because I also have a tendency to be impulsive and do things quickly and that usually leads to burnout. So I'm slowly trying to rewire some things. And I know it'll take time, but I'm hopeful, so. Hi. Hope I didn't sound bossy when I told you to stop posting so much on your trip.

No, it's okay. I like, I. Anytime I was, like, posting on my trip, it was purely just like, here's photos from my trip rather than like, the work stuff I normally post, because I made it. I made A clear boundary for myself that it was not gonna work. While I was on my vacation, I made an out of office email response and I was truth I was, I honored that. Like I did not respond to a single work email, which I was proud of. I was looking through pictures the other day and realized I haven't been on vacation since 2016.

That's a long time. That's a long time. Yeah. It is really, really helpful for us to get out of our day to day routine to break that, to be in new environments. It's really great for our like, for mindfulness too. Like something that I've always found is like when I'm in a new environment, even if I like switch up the coffee shop I go work at, like I have be present because I don't know where the bathroom is necessarily. I don't know what the menu's like. I can't be in that automated like brain off autopilot mode.

I have to be present and pay attention, which increases my mindfulness. It makes sure that my senses are alive. I'm paying attention to things more, noticing more things, which brings me into that state of being mindful which is very, very good for our nervous systems. So definitely highly recommend changing up your environments, even if it's small because it does help. So yeah, so that's my little update and I'm hoping that I can sustain some of these positive changes. And it's been helpful to kind of like write down concretely, like these are the things that were helpful and here's why.

So that I kind of have like some bullet points of like, okay, gratitude. That helps being present, that helps dreaming, thinking about the future, planning, not even planning, but like imagining, like vision boarding, writing down lists. I've been in my journal. I bought myself a new journal when I got home so I could start journaling again and like writing and drawing out like things I want without worrying about like how. Oops, grabbed my pen, like dreaming without worrying about the how or like the what, but just allowing myself to like think about like my dream apartment, whatever that might be.

Or like today I did like a thing about like if I were to change my career, like job, dreams, things I'd be good at, things that I would like to do, values I have, you know, in my, in my work life and just kind of letting myself do some of that dreaming, imagining without any attachment and trying to like incorporate that into my, my day to day life a little bit more. So that's my little update. I hope you all have been well I hope you all have been resting and taking care of yourselves. Depending on what part of the country you're in.

I hope the weather has been not impacting you so badly. I know that there's been a lot of really difficult weather stuff going on in different parts of the country. So I hope that you are all safe and doing well, and I will report back next week. I hope you all have a lovely rest of your day and I will see you same time, same place. Actually, no, different place. I'll be in Lopez next week.