Rachel’s Room🛋️

Hello. Happy Wednesday Cadre crew. Hello. Hello. Welcome. From my midweek, whatever this is. Woke up an hour ago. As we all know, Rachi's mental well being has gone not well. But we're here. You're rested on my computer right now. My computer is having a lot of issues. So if it's really loud, just let me know in the comments and I can prop you on a mug instead. It's cloudy in Seattle, which I'm actually really grateful for because I have a lot of work to do and I have to be inside, so. And I'm very looking forward to.

I don't know if I talked to you guys about this last week, but on Friday I'm going on vacation for the first time in a year. I haven't taken an actual vacation in a year, which I didn't realize because I have to travel a lot for work because sometimes it feels like I'm on vacation, but I'm act, but I'm not. Like, I'll go. Like I'll have to travel somewhere, but I'm working while I'm there. And I think that, like, messes with my brain. Hi, Rach. Hi, junk food junkie. It makes me think I'm taking a vacation, but I'm not.

Which is partly why I think I'm so burned out. Because I literally have not taken like, I have not put an out of office on my email in a full year. So this is going to be very restorative. I'm very excited and I really need it because your girl has been spiraling out. I've been spiraling out. Crashing out, as they say, as the kids say. So something I wanted to talk to you guys about today is asking for help again because I have gotten to a point where individual therapy is not cutting it anymore.

I'm having a deja vu. I feel like I have gone live and talked about this. I'm having a deja vu where individual therapy is not enough. Based on my symptoms, based on how out of control I feel with my mental health, based on just the level of. Just the level of severity of the symptoms I'm experiencing, specifically my eating disorder and depression. And so I actually reached out to a treatment center two days ago just to get some information. And I have like a phone call tomorrow. It's like an intake.

And truthfully, I'm like feeling pretty. I don't know what the right word to use is, but I definitely. There's a little bit of shame. There's definitely some shame of like, I've done This before. Like, I've been in treatment, I've been in treatment twice. I've been like in intensive outpatient treatment more than once. And so part of me is like, if it didn't, if it didn't work those two times, like, why would I, why would I go back? Like, why should I go again? And I remind myself the point is not that like I get fixed or healed.

The point is that each time I go, I come out of it on the other side a lot more stable. Reminded of like why I chose recovery with new people that I can talk to that are going through the same thing with a sense of renewal and with just like a new set of skills. Like, so I am trying not to be in that stubborn place of like, I know everything and therefore nothing can help me because I know that's not true. But I'm also feeling that sense of like, not hopelessness but like, is this even gonna work?

Like, is it worth me like taking time off work and spending money and time and energy in this? Like, if I've already done it and I'm just right back here again. But the truth is like our, our mental health is just like our physical health. Like I, if you sustain an injury, I think I've used this analogy before also. You're just, you're coming along on my like momentary physical self care because I haven't done any of this today and my head hurts. So I remind myself that like if I got in a car accident, for example, or had a stroke or broke my arm right at the point of injury, that injury is going to be incredibly painful and it's going to be super difficult for me to do my day to day life.

It's going to be a lot harder for me to get up and do my errands. It's going to be a lot harder for me to shower. It's going to be a lot harder for me to do my job because I'm in pain and I have an injury which stops me from doing certain things. I'm going to need more help. I'm also going to probably like go to physical therapy or like have to do like very like gentle, specific exercises to rebuild strength, to rebuild flexibility, to rebuild the connection between my mind and that part of my body and to just bring that part of my body back to at least a functioning place where I'm not in as much pain and I can tolerate the pain and manage it and I can live my day to day life.

And that will take time, right? Like recovering from a Physical injury will take probably like six, six weeks to three months. That injury is not ever going to be 100% healed. Like if I break an arm like my bone will heal, but that bone will always have this marking of where it was injured. It's always going to be slightly vulnerable to pain, to re injury, to strain. And I'm going to have to be mindful of that in my day to day life, right? And let's say I like am under a lot of stress or I start doing something that like I have to use that part of my body a lot that was injured and it starts to experience pain and I don't have time or resources to like manage that pain or it starts to get so bad that like I'm not able to do certain things anymore because that pain is recurring or coming back.

Like it makes sense that I would then need to take a break, slow down, stop engaging with things, the intensity I'm engaging them with and maybe hire a physical therapist again or like you know, bring like, bring in some more expert help because I'm, I'm in pain or I've re injured that part of my body that of course was more vulnerable to injury. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me or that like I'm injury prone. I have a vulnerable bone that is going to be likely to be more susceptible to re injury because it was injured one time before.

And so I try to remind myself of that anytime I have to go back into intensive care of therapy. Like it is not a reflection of what I am not doing or being, you know, like beyond help. It's a reflection of the fact that I sustained this mental injury at a very young age. And of course like in times of stress when I have a lot on my plate, when I'm incredibly triggered or surrounded by things that might bring up vulnerabilities in that part of my mental health. It makes sense because that it would start to hurt again.

It makes sense that I would start to have a harder time doing my day to day things if it starts to flare up. And so I have to try and like use that metaphor with myself of like I did not screw up. My life has just been really stressful and there's been a lot going on that's bringing up my, my eating disorders, bringing up depression and like of course that that's going to be the first thing to flare. And so I, I'm trying to use that as a reframe as I like approach considering what I'm gonna do. Because I also just don't know what's.

What I need right now. I don't know what's going to be the most helpful. I know that my eating disorder has gotten pretty bad. I know my depression is really bad. My anxiety has been pretty bad too. But I don't think that that's like the highest debilitating thing. And then my substance use has been bad. I also, this is hard for me to admit, but I'm trying to get better at like acknowledging things because the more I do, like, the closer I get to change. I've definitely abused alcohol. Like that's very intertwined with my eating disorder is substance use.

And, and that's been, that has been also really bad lately. Is like using alcohol as a way to like numb or shut my brain off when I'm anxious or not have to think about the things that I feel awful about or even just like change the way I see the world. Like it, you know, like it just, it's a, it's a coping mechanism for sure, but it's not one that is helping me because it definitely plays hand in hand with my eating disorder. And so I know that there's these three elements that I need to go seek support with, but I don't know what the right thing is right now.

I also don't know what my insurance will cover. I don't know what's available. You know, so it's. This is now the process of like finding the right fit and find, finding something that will help me, which is oftentimes incredibly overwhelming and sometimes discouraging and makes me want to just not do it at all. But I know that it's what I need because if I don't get more support right now, like my trajectory has just been downhill and I don't want, I don't want it to go any further downhill. I'd like it to go uphill.

So anyways, that's my confession to y' all today. That's where we're at, is I'm seeking some higher level support. I don't know what it's going to look like, but I'm going to talk to you about it because I think it's something that a lot of people do and have to go through and there's a lot of shame involved and a lot of secrecy or like, I just think it's important that we talk about it. So. Okay. I've seen some comments that I'm gonna try and read here. So proud of you. Doing it the first time is Hard.

But when you have already been, it's a whole different degree. Yes. Thank you for validating that. It's worth it if it helps. I agree. Why does it feel so much easier when it's physical? Yeah. I mean, it's society, right? I mean, we've been trained for a very long time to, like, fix something physical if it's broken. If you're sick, you go to the doctor. If you break a bone, you go to the doctor. Like you. That's just what you do. Like, the medical system has been designed socially for us to prioritize and really acknowledge physical pain.

And oftentimes it's because we can see it. Right. Like, if you have a physical injury or you're sick, we can see it on the body. It's visual. Whereas mental illness is not always visible. And so sometimes it's like. Like, if I went to the doctor and I was like, I broke my bone, and he did an X ray and it wasn't like. And he couldn't see anything. Like, they probably wouldn't do anything, right? They'd be like, your bones not broken. So go home. You're imagining it. Like, mental health is really hard because there's a level of, like, people have to believe us.

Like, and unfortunately, like, in Western society, there's not a lot of. We're not given a lot of support to have that nuance of, like, trusting what's happening for us internally. And which is a shame because we know what's going on for ourselves. Like, if you're in mental pain, like, you know, and if someone's gonna say that you're wrong, like, they can go f***. Like, truly, they can go off. So junk food junkie says there's no need to be ashamed. What is your thoughts playing on you? You already have taken the first step to getting better.

Thank you for saying that. I appreciate that. Thank you. I lost count the actual times I've been a treatment. No shame. Yeah. I mean, a lot. I mean, every time I've been 75 of the people that are there, it's not their first time. Like, so I know that. I do know that in my heart. And I'm just, oh, man, oh, man, life, oh, man, life. Rachel says I'm dealing with that on a physical health aspect too, because no one can pinpoint what's going on. And blood tests don't show anything. Oh, that's frustrating.

Yeah. My. When I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, it took me a two years for a doctor to even agree to. To Draw my blood and take tests. Like, I was like, what? Why are you refusing to draw my blood? Like, you. It doesn't. I'm paying you to take my blood and do a test. Like, I don't understand why you're not doing it, first of all. But it just took me so long to convince them that, like, the symptoms I was having was worth taking a thyroid test for. And then, of course, like, immediately, once I got those blood tests done, that's what it was.

But, yeah, my dad has been having a lot of health issues for the last, like, three years. And every time he goes to the doctor, they're like, we don't know, man. Like, they do these tests and they're like, we don't know. And that's. So. That mentally is really, really frustrating for him because he's like, I know I don't feel good, but, like, nothing is wrong. Like, that's like. It just. It. Then it, like, creates this sort of, like, internal debacle of, like, can I trust my body? But also, like, I'm not gonna not go to the doctor if I'm not feeling well.

Like, so he's been dealing with that a lot, which, like, makes me very sad for him because that's incredibly frustrating. I've gotten help many times, my paranoid schizophrenia. Still getting help today. That's. I'm glad that you are. And, like, thank you for sharing that. I think, like, again, like, it's important to talk about, like, the fact that, like, it's. We. We. We get support for these things and. And there's no shame in it. You know, sometimes we need to get out of our heads and listen to our heart and follow it.

I agree. And I. Awesome. Like, I often have a really hard time doing that when. And this is. I don't. This might be a cop out, but, like, when I travel to different countries, my brain is so much quieter and I can listen to my body and my heart so much better. Like, when I am in the States, I just feel this, like, energy of pressure and, like, the need to do things and this priority on, like, materialism and consumerism and performance that, like, I'm just. I'm here all the time. I'm always here.

And like, when I'm. When I'm places a. Where there's like, a different culture and like, prioritization in communities around, like, what they value, I can tap into my body so much better. The same is true when I'm in nature. I have not gotten out into nature in a long time. And I'VE been craving it, but, yeah, like, getting away from that hustle and bustle and the noise and just being able to, like, sit with my body and, like, ask my heart, like, what do I need? Like, and listening to that, like, I need that desperately right now.

I do. I do feel like part of what I really need is, like, not a retreat, but, like, to be out in nature and be away from the city for a bit. Like, be away from. Just be away from, like, my day to day, like, grind of, like, I have to work, I have to do stuff. I have to, like, look a certain way. I have to own certain things like this. The culture here is just. My therapist reminds me on a weekly basis that I'm the number one expert on me. Yes, you know what? That's true. And I. I need to remember that, like, I'm.

I know what I need most. And sometimes the problem, especially when I'm not doing well, is that my eating disorder likes to act like she's my number one expert. And so she will trick me into thinking that she knows what's best for me. And oftentimes I listen to her. And that's when, like, I know things are bad, is when I'm letting her run the show and when she's acting like she's the number one exper. Expert. And when I let her, that is not good. And that's where we've been at for a while. And so Rachel, like, the actual number one, has just silenced herself.

That makes me sad, actually. Yeah, I often times, like, I just, like, I get. I just get scared that, like, that part of me is, like, not gonna have the strength to, like, fight that voice at some point, you know? But, like, I don't want to live my. The rest of my life, like, like, listening to that, you know, because that. That part of me is just, like, not looking out for my best interest at all. And it hasn't, like, gotten me anywhere like, that. That part of that voice, like, when I listen to it, like, I don't actually get things that I want in life.

Like, I get further from them. But she's so convincing that, like, if I listen to her that, like, I'm gonna get the things that I desire. And so it's very scary, like, to, like, try and tell that voice, like, no, you're wrong. Like, that's not true because she offers me so many things. Like, she's so, like, she's so convincing. Oh, wasn't expecting to cry on this live today. Oh, thanks for being here, you guys. You're all amazing. Oh, man, this mental health stuff is really hard. And there are just days where I just, like, I just don't want to have to do it anymore.

But I remember that, like, it is so worth. It is so worth it to, like, practice all of the skills and do the things that are good for me. I just haven't had the energy, which is why I'm, like, seeking support. So. And part of that is, like. Is talking about it like, a big. You know, I've been talking to my friends a lot, and they're very aware of what's going on, and they constantly remind me, like, rachel, this is not the same as it's been in the past because, A, you're talking to your friends about it.

Like, I know that you did not tell anybody the last time you were in this headspace. Like, you didn't talk about it. And, like, it's very important to be able to, like, acknowledge it out loud because, like, once you say it out loud, then, A, like, you're not alone, and B, like, it means that you want. You want change, even if you can't make it happen right now, like, by saying it out loud, like, you're vocalizing to yourself, to your people, or to a higher power, if you believe in that. That, like, you want something different.

And sometimes it takes a while after saying it over and over again for it to, like, come to fruition. But, like, saying it out loud is a step. So I appreciate you all being here for me to vocalize it, and I just appreciate that there are spaces like this where we can talk about these things, because I know a lot of folks don't have people in their life that understand. And so being able to be in community and solidarity around these things, I think is really important, too. So I appreciate you being here more than you know.

And I'm proud of you for all the stuff that you all do for yourselves, because I know it's hard. I know it's hard. Okay, my loves, I'm gonna get back to. I'm, like. I have, like, these videos I'm editing just, like, last work things before I take a vacation. I think I said this last week, but I won't be live next week just because I'm gonna be on vacation and in a different time zone. But then I'll be back to my regular schedule when I get back. So I'm very grateful you're all here, and I'm very excited to see you all.

After some time away and a reset with my friend so thank you all for the reminders and for being supportive and validating. You're all incredible human beings, and I'm rooting for each and every one of you, and we got this.