Comedy Centered

Hi everyone. Welcome, welcome. It is Sunday. It is comedy centered. It is Tiffany Norton. It is a lot of things. All the things it is. Let's see, it's April, it's almost tax day. I don't know if that's what everybody's doing. I was just watching the conclusion of the Masters tournament. I've always wanted to be good at golf. That has not happened yet, but pretty exciting finish, which is cool. Yeah. So hopefully you guys are doing well and we kind of survived last week. I don't know if anybody caught the replay or the show last week, but we discussed a little bit about money and its value in our, in our society and our dependence on it because, you know, we all like money.

Right. And so hopefully everything that kind of went on this week with the stock market and all that stuff wasn't too. Hopefully you didn't get too bogged down in all of it because it's kind of. Woo. It's kind of a. It was kind of a ride, let's just say. Okay, so tonight I was thinking about bringing it kind of back to what we normally talk about. This shirt is driving me nuts. Sorry, guys. Keep fidgeting with myself. That's the hardest. And it's funny because we're. This is actually perfect, the fact that I'm keep fidgeting with things for our conversation tonight because I want to discuss something I just became aware of and apparently because, you know, I go on tick tock a little bit, not that much.

And apparently this is a whole trend. There's a whole bunch of like people have already talked about this for a while and I'm, you know, just late to the party like always, but fear of being perceived, having a fear of being perceived. And it was so, it's, it's funny, you know, how things kind of work in life. Right. I was passively just scrolling through tick tock. And that algorithm is pretty smart, apparently. A little scary how accurately it can predict stuff. But you know, I post fairly regularly about my neuro.

Neurodivergence, if I can speak. And this video popped up and I'd never really heard this term before. I mean, of course, I mean, I kind of get, you know, the idea of someone who would like not like social anxiety. Right. Doesn't want to be in public a lot. Finds that, you know, having a phobia. And I guess I've always thought of that more as like agoraphobia, like a fear of, of going outside. But this is a real, you know, diagnosed phobia and it's called scopephobia. And it is a fear of being watched, being perceived.

And it can also ste them from a fear of being taken advantage of. And one of the things that they've noticed is that this can be a phobia on its own. It can result from things that don't have to do with neurodivergence. Let's say, for example, you as a child, you, a lot of people stared at you because you had a physical difference, a physical difference that people would notice. Over time, you might fear being perceived and you may get very self conscious about how people may be judging you. And as we've talked in the past about the inner critic, it's very easy to see how that can go where your inner critic, you're assuming everybody else talks as badly about you or thinks as badly about you as you do.

And we are always roughest on ourselves. Right. Most people are so busy paying attention to their own stuff, they're really not paying attention to us as much as we might think that they are. But this fear of being perceived. And so in this little video, honest to God, it stopped me in my tracks. The example they gave was you rearrange your pillows as soon as you stand up from sitting on your couch because you want to erase the fact that you sat there. I was like, I do that all the time. Like I live alone and I still have a really hard time having my house messy because there's this rolling thing in the back of my head.

Someone might come over and then that'll be the day that the house isn't clean. And then they'll think you're not a clean person. Like it's ingrained. And I didn't, I didn't realize how much of that managing I was doing. Right. So just that one. And that's why stories are so important. And you know, and, and because that one example, I was like, oh, I keep bumping my stance. But that couch cushion thing blew my mind. Anyway, so then, so I went on a little bit of a search on it. And so this is something that affects people's nervous system.

It can, it can be a panic attack, right. They find that it is very common in neurodivergent people. The reason being if you are neurodivergent a, there could have been some bullying, right? There could be some, a lot of criticism. If you received a lot of criticism about your neurodivergence, that you weren't normal, that you weren't being, doing things the right way, you know, all that kind of stuff. Oh, hey, Ms. Jules. Happy Sunday. Welcome, welcome. We're talking about fear of being perceived.

Okay, so, but this, but this social anxiety, what happens is basically from what I'm understanding in the writing is that if someone has this particular phobia, this fear of being perceived, oftentimes things that are very triggering for them are large social gatherings, right? But like intimate eye contact can be really, really tough. And you know, in society we are, we at least I heard the message quite a bit like, you know, you know, look them in the eyes, you know, shake their hands, look them in the eyes, stuff like that.

Well, if you're somebody who has a touch of this fear of being perceived, like that's really daunting to look someone in their eyes, right? So, but this is considered a. It's also very common to have this fear of perception if you have some kind of CPTSD or PTSD is more common in women. It's also extremely common in young women. And the advent of social media has definitely not helped this. Where there are these unrealistic body standards and you know, like people have the beautiful lighting and the beautiful filters and the.

Everything's perfect, right? And it just gives this illusion that, you know, you're so horribly flawed and everybody's thinking about it. See, that's what makes it. And that's what moves it into. We can all be self conscious and we can all have bad, you know, runs on our self esteem and stuff like that. But if it borders on the fact that you, you really, you're almost obsessive about it. You're, you're, you're very, it's, it's occupying a lot of your energy. Like imagine a text message, you're like imagining a text message chain that you're not involved in and what are they saying about you and what, what, what's happening and, and, and you know, but then also too, you don't want to see those text messages because this fear of perception, this fear of, of being seen is just a fear of judgment.

And if you grew up in a high conflict household or in a household that did not know at the time that you had attention deficit disorder or neurodivergent needs, there goes the camera again. Neurodivergent needs. That may be where some of this stuff started. And it's just, again, it all leads back to judgment. And our perfectionism is, is perfectionism is something that runs really, really hot and heavy in the attention deficit neurodivergent space. And the reason why you'll see a lot of it is because you received at a young age the message that like you're, you know, you're scatterbrained or you're not paying attention or, you know, you're, you're not getting it or whatever, whatever the case may be for you, whatever the feedback was specifically.

So you go out of your way in adulthood to avoid that. You work harder than anybody else to avoid that because you, you're not doing it because you necessarily want the promotion or you want necessarily even the praise. You just want to avoid the criticism. That's the real motivation. The real motivation behind that is to not be criticized. And if your biggest fear is being criticized and you crumble at the thought of criticism, it's just horrifying. And I know because I reckon part of what I really recognized in this is when I started seeking treatment for what I would find out was neurodivergence.

I didn't know. I just, I just knew I was losing my mind. I was having, I had a panic attack on stage. And this is exactly what I feared. This is exactly what happened during that panic attack. I, all I could think in that moment is they're seeing me and I don't want to be seen. I can't handle being judged right now. I, I can't be on this stage right now. I can't. And so yowza. And maybe, you know, other people are like, oh yeah, you know, I, I know about that. And I mean, that's cool. But it just also goes to show you, heck, I've been talking about this stuff for like a couple years now.

I, I hadn't heard that I'm something new. And, and it's also interesting how it all ties back, but it makes sense if, if, if you had to show up. And we often use the term masking in the neurodivergent spaces where you have to, you've gotten enough feedback over the years that some of your behaviors aren't normal or that they're excessive or weird or not. Right. In some way. Right. So we try to modify those behaviors and then we create this mask, this mask that we wear socially. And we talk about that a lot right here, you know, and we all have to wear some social masks, right?

Like, you know, social functions work, you know, whatever. Right. Like there's always those kind of times. But, but this unmasking process is, is so much more difficult if you've also got on top of this, this, this deep seated fear of being perceived and that if someone. And so I was reading on Reddit There were. It was a. It was a comment thread and I was reading people's real life experiences about it. And one just broke my heart, that, that this. And this is a young person and they're in their, like, late 20s.

Obviously, I don't know much about the screen, you know, from a screen name in that, but they saved, they said their age and they said that they just don't even want to be thought of. Like, they don't even want people thinking about them, even though they love their family. They don't even want their family thinking about them. They do not want to be perceived at all, at least a particular person. And my heart broke because I, I can relate to that a lot. A lot, a lot. And I know I don't come off as somebody like that.

I mean, I've had so many people over the years when I tell them, because I've always had really debilitating stage fright. And that was partly why I started really, you know, drinking alcohol too much, especially when I was performing, because the anxiety and I wanted to do it and I kept pushing myself through it. And what I noticed is when I had a good set, it felt more like a relief than I felt good about myself. I didn't necessarily feel good about myself, but I didn't feel bad about myself. But the bad sets, you know.

And then when your first couple jokes necessarily don't start going, well, that's when you. I start getting in my own head and I'm like, they're looking at me, they're judging me. They don't like me, they don't like my hair. They think I'm fat, they think this, they think that. Like, they're looking at me going, just be funny, lady. Like, we don't care, you know, but. So why do I keep putting myself in these types of situations? Well, because I'm nuts. But I like people. I do. I love people. Like, I, I love humanity.

I hope I have hope for humanity. I don't want to give up on us. I think people are fun. I think people are. I think people can be great, you know, But I grew up in a household with a lot of rigidity and a lot of authoritarianism, authoritarian control and a lot of managing, a lot of managing. And I, you know, so bearing a lot of those things down like that, that was another coping mechanism that I used. Right? And your coping mechanism, your coping mechanisms will work, but generally only to a certain point, right?

Because it's kind of hard to keep a job if you don't like Being perceived. You know, the other thing I thought was of. Of note is that they've seen it's. And it's not terribly. It's like anything though. They say it's only this percent of the population or whatever. Right. But like, you know, so many of these things are underreported. Like, think of all the people that are late diagnosis on neurodivergence. Right? They may have this as well, but never have been concluded in any of those numbers.

Right. But they were saying, like between 7 and 13% of the people have that. And so, but there, there's. But there's been more. There's been more reports of it since COVID and the zooming. And I really feel that as well, like rearranging. Like I've rearranged this backdrop my, My. My spare room where I record a bunch of times. Because I'm like, well, that doesn't look right. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like this and I like that. Are you guys really here to. To see what's in my office? Are you guys here, you know, are we here to rap?

You know? Right. But it's, it's that constant, like, what does look professional? It doesn't look perfect. It doesn't look right. Whatever right is, you know, so one of the things. So like, what can we do this information. Right. You know, what, you know, what are the strategies we can do to kind of help start deprogramming this stuff? Well, you know, just recognizing for, you know, first of all that it's. It's judgment. You're trying to avoid judgment, and that's normal. Everybody wants to avoid judgment.

No one wants to be judged. No one likes that, you know, And. But if you have a deep fear of being judged, are you judging a lot of people in your mind, or are you perhaps maybe not judging others, but you're judging yourself so harshly all the time that you've put yourself in, you know, at a. You expect a level of performance and a standard that you wouldn't expect from other people. I do that to myself all the time. Like, I, I expect to, you know, be good at things that I've not really prepared for or tried before.

Like golf. Brought it all the way back to golf. Like, every time I go and I start teeing off, I think this could be the time I actually learn how to drive a ball. It doesn't seem to work. But if I actually went and practice, more might be happening. Right? So that's one of the things that they actually recommend if you feel that you have a mild or more severe case of this, you know, on a mild. There's limited things that they can do in any kind of a therapy. Right. And that's why it's called work, because it is.

There's no. There's no combination of words they can recite to you to make yourself, you know, make yourself not, I don't know, annoyed with yourself, I guess. But one of the big things they talk about is exposure therapy being very helpful. And so if you're having a hard time with eye contact. Right. You know, then just practicing it in small doses with someone you feel very, very safe with can. Can help because these neural pathways is just like anything. This can be unlearned, but these neural pathways get set.

And the neural pathways that develop under stress and that we use as coping mechanisms to protect us from perceived real or not real danger, you know, they get. They get. Those grooves get in there very deep. So if you're watching this and you're a younger person, I mean, you know, good, because then your roots aren't as deep. Those grooves are not as deep. You have not been using this coping mechanism as long as someone who's older than you. Right. But they can be deprogrammed. And of course, they recommend cognitive behavioral therapy and other stuff.

There's no medication or anything like that. But we spend so much time. I mean, it feels like sometimes 80% of our lives, we live for someone else, you know, And I don't mean necessarily the work you've got to do for other people in your family or any of that kind of stuff. But, like, think about it, you know, when. At least when I was a kid, I had some very different ideas about what I wanted to do with my life. I really wanted to be an actress. I really wanted to go to Broadway. I. And I kind of wanted to be a solid gold dancer.

Real talk. Used to practice in the basement all the time. But I wanted to go into the arts. And that was not. That was not an acceptable answer to my parents. Like, it's okay to be a good artist, but you have to have a practical degree. You have to do something practical. You have to do something that makes sense. What makes sense? Right. So I basically just pushed that aside. Well, you're not, you know, I'm not an artist then, I guess. Okay, well, then let's. Let's move on to these other things.

So those experiences when you're. When you are given at a young and formidable age, definite messages of what is right and what is wrong in terms of what you express, how you express it, then you learn to bury that. And that's how the masking starts. You know, in autism and in like, people that suffer from like Tourette's syndrome, there's a thing called stimming. And stimming is like stimulation. And stimming can, it can be, it can take a variety of different forms. It can be vocal, it can be, it can be physical.

It can be like a, you know, like a. Always tap in your pen or your finger, you know, like a repetitive motion. And it soothes, it's soothing. It's soothing and it helps them deal with their anxiety. The problem with our society is we are so quick to jump on anybody who does something slightly different. And so the stimming behavior that helps calm their anxiety and helps them re regulate their nervous system to reduce their anxiety and their, and their cortisol levels. Then there's some jerk that's like, oh, I guess, oh, you like to flex your pen, you like to tap your pen or your pen happen.

Boy. Well, then you're like, well, crap, that was my coping mechanism. So now you're gonna mask that and then another stem will emerge, maybe in another thing. And, and so now you're trying to manage all your, all the information that's coming in. You're trying to understand the person that you're talking to and what they're expecting of you. Meanwhile, you're looking around for all the social cues you can get because you, you don't want to, you know, you don't want to misread the situation. And then at the same time you're trying to like, look, look at them normally, like enough eye contact, but not too much.

And you know all the things and, and you're doing all this in your head and no wonder you don't, you know, no wonder I'm not listening to people. And it's not being self absorbed. It's. It's almost like an, it's an inability to get out of your head. It's an inability to get out of your own way is the way I feel about it. It's, it's exhausting. It's exhausting because you're constantly looking for outside cues to see, basically, is this right? Am I doing all right? Am I doing all right? Am I saying it right?

Do you like me? Is this okay? Are you all right? Am I all right? Are we all right? And then, you know, you're exhausted. Trying to keep all that straight in your head all the time. And I, you know, I know, you know, I know it well. But yeah, so, yeah, fear being perceived, kinda kind of wild, you know, and. And just even to kick around the idea and we're, you know, we're getting. We're getting close to rap time. But, man, I'm stuck on that. That. That analogy of rearranging your cushions right away after you get up as if to erase any trace of you in your own home.

I. I do that. I do that all the time. I thought it was like, ocd, like I have to make my bed, but I was required to always make my bed as a kid. That the. The house, you know, the. The. There can't be any dishes in the sink. All the dishes have to be clean and at least on the drying rack. Well, that was a rule. It was a rule in my house. Right. You know, if. I know my mother's coming over, it's not bad now. Like, it's. It's much better. And honestly too, like, I, you know, I love my mother, but she's.

She's definitely a neat nick. She's definitely a cleaner, right? She's definitely like, you know, she's got every. Every kind of cleaner known to man in her house. She gave me for my birthday once a book, how to cle anything. And I'm like, how dirty do you think I am, Mom? I'm like in my 40s. Thanks for the book. But anyway. But I used to work myself up into such a tizzy when I would be hosting, like, Christmas or Thanksgiving because I knew my mother was going to be looking not to see if everything was put away, not to see if everything was clean.

But, like, are the baseboards clean? Did you dust the light bulbs? White glove. Is the silver polished? You know, and that's her. That's her perfectionism. And I see that now, but I used to drive there. There's a funny video, and maybe you've seen it, Jules, or someone in the chat, but it went around. It's older. It's like, I don't know, probably 8, 9, 10 years old. But it's this. It's a. It's a. It's a man pretending to be his wife freaking out every. Like, running around the house before company is coming.

And it's hilarious. But I. And I saw that. I, like, I'm. I saw myself. I'm like, I really do that. Like, I free. I would freak out for like two days before cleaning, cleaning, cleaning everything, terrified if I forgot to clean it or if it didn't look right. And if it wasn't spotless, or if someone used the. And brushed their teeth and then there's a splatter of water in the guest bathroom or whatever. I'm like, oh, my God. Like, and then I would get so wound up and so mad that my family was. Had the nerve to actually live in our own home for the two days before Thanksgiving, like, you should live here.

What do you. What, what, what are you using stuff for? We gotta keep this clean for two more days. And I realized now, like, that was just me trying to avoid judgment, judgment from my mom. And honestly, my mom probably didn't care as much as I thought she would care. But in my mind, you know, like, when she was using the guest bathroom, like, she was gonna be looking at all of it, looking around and, you know, and whatever. So I don't know. I don't know. But that was my perception of it. And so when we start showing up for ourselves as ourselves, right, It's.

It's upsetting for us, it's upsetting for others and things like that. But the good part is, you know, if you can start taking off the mask a little bit here and there, you know, and showing up places and exposing yourself a little bit at a time to new information, maybe some new people, it does seem that it can be something that can be rewired and something that doesn't necessarily have to be debilitating in all cases. But they were also very clear in my research that this is a broad range and there are people that have very severe cases of this where it is to the level of that.

That example I gave on Reddit. So if anybody's ever listening to something like, I've got like this in the replay, always, just don't, you know, don't take my word for it. Don't take anybody on the Internet's word for it necessarily, but always do your own research, right? But if this is something that you're like, huh, Like I did two days ago when I watched that video, if you're already seeing someone, a professional, this might be a good idea to talk to them about it and see if there are some steps you can take in working that into a current regimen, or maybe it's something that you want to kind of explore and do some reading on yourself.

I do not have any books on this subject, so I can make no recommendations. I did find several very good articles online. And yeah, there's. There's a decent amount of information about it, but, yeah, yeah, so fun. I have a phobia Great. But, oh, well, knowledge is power, you know, and when we think about these things and we can see where they started, it's not to go back and blame our parents. It's not to go back and say, well, my mom did this and my mom did that. You know, we're all operating off, you know, for the most part, most people are operating off, you know, best intentions.

Right. They're. They're trying. And, you know, I get that. But seeing, Seeing that the perfectionism is tied to this, knowing all these other factors and that there's a high level of it when you've got neurodivergence and that you had to do a lot of masking and that you had to suppress a lot of your neurodivergent traits. And that, like, makes sense. It makes sense. And I feel like you. You're never going to necessarily change any of it, but at least for me, I find comfort in understanding why I have that notion.

I don't know. I mean, it doesn't make it any easier to process when it's happening. But, you know, it's not just because there's something wrong with you. Right. That's not it. You know, there aren't right people and wrong people. There aren't. We're all people. Like, you know the old saying, even a broken watch is right twice a day, you know, but people, you know. Yeah. Anyway. All right. Oh, 6:30. Have a great week, Jules. Everybody in the live stream. Take care. And. Or in the replays. Take care.

Have a great week. And yeah, drop me a comment in the, in the forum if you like this topic or if there's other stuff you want to talk about. Always looking, always, always on the hunt for information you guys might want to chop it up about. So have a good.