Important questions to ask the folks we love about how they want us to support them in grief, loss, and pain. And the importance of asking before the need arises. Here are more questions we should be asking our friends: 1. Who should I call first if something happens to you? 2. If you become seriously ill, how do you want me to support you? 3. What music or books bring you comfort when you are struggling? 4. If you are hospitalized, who should I reach out to on your behalf? 5. How do you prefer to be comforted when you are in pain – space, company, food, distractions? 6. Are there specific foods or drinks that bring you comfort in hard times? 7. What should I absolutely not say to you when you’re grieving? 8. Who in your life should I check on if you die? 9. If you disappear emotionally, how should I pull you back? 10. Do you want a particular ritual or tradition to be honored when you die? 11. If you’re struggling financially due to illness or grief, how would you want me to help? 12. Do you have letters, videos, or messages you want delivered to loved ones if you die? 13. When you lose someone you love, how do you want me to support you? 14. Are there specific anniversaries that might be hard for you? How can I show up? 15. If you ever feel like you’re drowning, what words or actions help you stay afloat? 16. If I ever notice you pulling away, how should I approach you without making it worse? 17. If you take your own life, who would likely be the one to tell me?
We need to be having these conversations long before the crisis hits. Pick one friend, one person you love, and ask, how do you want me to show up for you when life gets hard? Have it today. When grief comes, when the pain hits, you'll already know what to do.
You ever think about how we always wait for things to fall apart before we ask people what they need? Someone's grieving, someone's sick, someone spiraling. And that's when we start scrambling to figure out how to help. But by then, it's already too late. We need to be having these conversations long before the crisis hits. When our friends are doing well, when we're doing well, when life is calm, when they're laughing. I mean, that's the time to ask, how do you want me to show up when things aren't okay?
You know, as a death doula, I see it all the time. I get called in when people are already very deep in. But as a friend, as a fraternity brother, as someone who loves people, I'm working on having these conversations before we're in the thick of it. Because, let's be real, we all go through it. Grief, pain, depression, illness, loss. It's all a part of this life. And we all need to stop assuming that. We'll just know what to do when something happens. So here's what I started asking my friends.
What role do you want me to play in your grieving? If you die before me, what do you want me to do? And not just for your funeral or to honor you, but for the people who are still here. When depression comes back and you lock yourself in your room, what do you need from me? Do I leave you alone? Do I show up at your door? Do I grab you by your ankles and drag you out for fresh air and sunshine? And listen, we have to give grace because people answers, change. What someone thinks they'll want in the good season may not be what they actually need when grief hits.
And so we have to make room for that. We don't just ask once. We have to keep that door open, Right? And most importantly, you don't need permission to check on your people. If you're wondering if someone's okay, ask. If someone's slipping away, reach out. If you love, sleep someone and they're grieving, don't wait for them to tell you how to help. Just be there. So here's my challenge to you. Pick one friend, one person you love, and ask, how do you want me to show up for you when life gets hard?
Have that conversation. Have it today. Because when grief comes, when the pain hits, when someone you love is in that dark place, you'll already know what to do. And that's what's important, and that's what's love. And that's what the friends do for friends. So start the conversation today, please. Thank you.
