“Lunch” Triggers My Husband

Padre fam. Good morning. Doctor Carey here. It's a beautiful day in southern California. I hope it's beautiful wherever you are. I am going to share a funny story today and a lesson on communication for you. And don't worry, I do have permission from my husband to share this story. I'm not just going to bash him on my live stream, but I want to start off by explaining, giving you a little backstory for this. So I, prior to getting married for the last, you know, six months when my husband was deployed, I had a very strange eating schedule.

I still kind of do. I have lived alone for a long time. I eat when I'm hungry and I would eat my breakfast. I eat my smoothie around like nine or ten and then I eat my lunch around like two and then I have dinner at like six. So I have like a really strange eating schedule and that's just how it always worked for me. And on this particular day, my husband had be home from deployment for like a week or two and we decided to go hiking on a Saturday. And of course I had my smoothie at like nine or ten.

We go hiking at like eleven and we then, hi mom, thanks for joining today. So we go hiking and we get done hiking around like 230 or three and we're both starving at this point, right? Because all I've had is a smoothie. He didn't have lunch either. And we're both getting a little hangry, to be honest. So we stop at the grocery store, pick up some food. He's, he goes in, he's gonna make us a dinner. And he's like, I said, get whatever, you know, I eat anything. So I'm sitting in the car with my dog because it's hot.

We don't want to leave the dog in the car. So he comes back, he's got groceries, he's excited to make dinner. And I say to him, I am really hungry, I need to have some lunch. Can we stop somewhere on our way home or like eat when we get home? And he puts his face in his hands and he just starts groaning and I'm like, what? What just happened? Why was that so triggering to you? I just said, I need food, I'm hungry. We just went hiking. I haven't had lunch. And he's like, you want lunch right now?

Yeah. Don't you? I mean, aren't you hungry too? Like, come on. We just went hiking and it's like 03:00 and he goes, I don't understand. And he just shuts down and I'm like, well, something went wrong there. Some miscommunication happened. I don't know what just happened, but we're both hangry at this point, and I don't think I've met another human being that gets hangry like I do besides my husband. We're a match made in heaven, I guess because of that, because I am the worst person when I'm hangry.

I'm nasty, and he's similar. So, like, we just, we've learned this about each other. Do not have a communication, discussion, or address anything when you're hangry. Okay, communication tip 101. Just stop right there, go get food, and then talk. So that's what we agreed to do. Oh, Barbara, your husband's the same way. I know. It's fun, isn't it? So anyway, we get home. We get home, we have, like, a snack. We're, like, shoving nuts in, like, dried mangoes, like, trying to get some, like, carbs in us, too.

And then I just said, could we readdress that conversation that happened in the car? I'd like to probe a little bit about why it was so triggering when I said I wanted lunch. And this is just another good tip for you. In any relationship, whether it's business, whether it's personal, if the reaction doesn't seem to match the situation, there might be a trigger there, or there's probably more to the story that you don't know. So we kind of have this, like, gauge with each other. Like, that reaction seemed a little extreme based on what I just said.

Can we talk about that then? And so just another tip for you. That's worked really well for our relationship or just any relationships of, like, okay. That just, it doesn't match the situation. So let me probe a little bit in a loving way. So I just said, can we talk about that a little bit? What was so distressing when I said I wanted to eat lunch? And he just goes, are you not gonna eat dinner? And he's still, like, upset about it. And I said, no, I'll eat dinner in 3 hours. Trust me. Like, that's how I eat.

And he's like, oh, okay. And I was like, okay, so still, that, that still seems a little bit drastic that, like, you're, you were concerned about me not wanting to eat dinner. If I had lunch now, I really meant snack. But why? Why is that ruining dinner? Like, what, what is so important about dinner now? I'm like, what is it with the meals with this man? And, um, I just said, what was mealtime like for you? Growing up, and he begins to explain to me, and I've had dinner with his parents multiple times.

Like, cooking for your family is like an act of service, and then the meal time is a connecting time, and it's just a really big deal. And I grew up where we had dinner around the kitchen table together as a family too. But as an adult and for the last ten years of my life, eating is a means to an end for me because I don't eat with anybody else. And it's not a time of connection. It's literally just to get food in me. And I'm not, like, much of a foodie when I cook for myself. In fact, I just eat very strangely, when I eat by myself, I eat, like, the most random meals.

And I rarely have food in my house because it's just not joy for me to cook. It's not joyful for me to serve people. I don't like cooking. And my husband is the opposite. He enjoys cooking. He enjoys preparing a meal. And he saw his parents do this, and this was a joyous time in their family. So mealtime is a really big deal for him. And when I said I wanted to have lunch at three and he had just been to the grocery store and picked up all of this food for to make us a nice meal and have this connecting time together, he thought I was basically dismissing him.

And I was like, wow, okay, we totally are not on the same page here, but this is what you get in relationships, right? And so when I explained to him that by me saying, I want to eat lunch, it was just like, I need to just literally feel my stomach right now. I still want to have that meal time with you at dinner time. And I'm looking forward to that. But this is where communication breakdown happens. And it's so easy with people. It's just so easy. We're all different. We think differently, we have different backgrounds.

And so I guess my. My biggest tip for you today, two of them, like I mentioned, is the don't have a crucial conversation when you're hungry. Any crucial conversation in life. And number two, if the reaction doesn't match the situation that's going on, probe a little bit, figure out what is beneath that. We even have, like, a rating system we use with, like, a one to ten scale of where you're at emotionally with this issue. And it's just a really good gauge to be able to say, wow, there's probably something beneath that.

And it might not be a trauma, it might not be a trigger that goes back to something horrible that happened in their life, but you're learning about that person, and you're learning about their background and their values. And I learned in that moment that dinnertime, especially mealtime in general, is a really big deal to my husband. He now comes home for lunch so that he can spend that time with me. And I slave away and prepare something for him because that's a really big deal to him that we connect over food like that.

So learn these things about people in your life, and trust me, it helps when you just are lovingly probing to learn more about kind of the backstory of what's been going on with that person and why they react a certain way. So go out and crush it and have a fantastic Friday and weekend. I love you all so much. Yes, Luke, it happens all the time. All the time. On a daily basis. We have communication breakdown. So you guys have a fantastic day. See you next time. Make sure you catch Risa's live in about an hour and a half here.

She's always got true gems to share with you, so catch her live and I'll see you guys next week.