Deep Dive With Dr. Carrie

Hey, Cadre. Family doctor Kerry here. I have a pertinent topic of the week to share with you, and I'm gonna get real and we'll go there today. So that's what we're gonna do, and that's what we always do on Cadre. We get real. And I realize what I look like today before going live, but this is kind of life in the desert now. I moved yesterday, two days ago, whatever day we're on. And I moved to literally the desert and. And kind of the middle of nowhere. m.. Today. So I live in a tank top and live with greasy hair.

But moving for me has been kind of a lifestyle. Okay. I have moved so many times in my life. A lot of them have been local moves. I moved, you know, from one apartment to another in Minneapolis, and then I did the cross country move almost three years ago to San Diego. I've also moved across country to Philadelphia, moved to St. Louis. I moved a lot since age 22. I think I added it up one time. I've moved about 15 times in 17 years or something like that. And so I'm an expert mover, let's just put it that way.

But there is one part of my personality that you might guess, if you know me, that I don't do well with, with moving. And that's not knowing where my stuff is. And I kind of panic because I'm like, I can't even find my laptop right now. And that's kind of my livelihood. I don't know where my shampoo is. I don't know where my pillow is. I don't know where my teddy bear is that I sleep with that night. And if I can't find something, I kind of panic. And so it's just, it became kind of utter chaos.

Let's just say how this move went. Started with me getting a little bit of traveler's diarrhea from traveling to Mexico last week. So I'm not feeling like, a hundred percent. I'm feeling fine, but I'm drinking my Gatorade and I'm not feeling great because I'm a little bit weak and a little bit dehydrated. So I'm lifting this heavy, heavy furniture all day for hours, loading this u Haul with my husband on Monday. And it's just, it was a long day. Let's just put it that way. Long day. And get to the new location.

It's about a three hour drive, drove and rush hour to get here to sleep decided, you know, we're leaving everything in the u Haul. We'll unpack it tomorrow. And when I unpack, I unpack the entire thing in one day. I literally have pulled all nighters unpacking before because I need to have my external space a certain way for me to be able to think clearly. I've been off my game a little bit today because I haven't had everything perfect. And so I like things in a certain place. I like to know where my pens and my post it pads are kept.

I like to know where I'm going to set my laptop. I like to know where my breakfast smoothie stuff is. Like, I'm a routine person, and we're all very habitual human beings, so when we get thrown off our routine, it does throw us off a little bit. And for me, it throws me off a lot because I like to sit in this chair. Chair every morning with my smoothie and my tea and read my bible. And I have my whole day. And so I've been off my routine for, I don't know, ten days now. And then I moved, and I don't know where anything is.

And I kind of. Last night, I barely said a word to my husband all day as I'm unpacking the entire house, and literally everything is unpacked. I mean, we've got the DVD's lined up in alphabetical order, my bookshelf. That's the only thing that still needs some work because I have so many books. But if I could show you, the place looks immaculate. The only thing missing is the artwork from the walls. The garage has a few things still left in it, but it looks, like, unbelievably livable from a blank canvas in one day.

I did not stop for hours and hours and hours yesterday and getting into bed last night. And my husband says, you're pretty quiet today. You okay? Like, you didn't seem like yourself today. And I was just. I mean, I was dropping f bombs as something's breaking, and I'm unpacking a box and. And I just said, yeah. I said the things going through my head today were, I own too much stuff and how did I accumulate so much stuff? And it's hot in the desert and I'm uncomfortable, and I just want to know where my stuff is.

And so I just. I went very internal yesterday. And this used to be my mo in life. I used to actually control my emotions really, really well. And so besides the occasional f bombs that were coming out yesterday, he's like, you just didn't say much all day. You were just really kind of withdrawn. And I was like, you know what? I was. And thanks for pointing that out to me, because that's how I used to operate. When my external world was chaos, I would control my internal world. And this is very common of somebody who's been through trauma or somebody that grew up in an unstable home as a kid or someone that struggles with anxiety or someone that has struggled with addiction.

When your external world is chaotic, you do whatever you can to control your internal world, meaning your emotions. And we get really good at this. Really, really good. And I got really good at this through my trauma in life to control my emotions. And so I had no extreme one way or the other. And I started crying a little bit last night, and I said, you know what? I'm really sad that I've moved away from all my friends to the middle of nowhere. And I don't want to tell you that I was telling this to my husband because it's your job that moved us here.

And I feel really bad about that. And then I'm also just exhausted because I've been unpacking for, like, 10 hours, and I haven't taken a break. And my back hurts and my feet hurt, and, like, everything hurts. And I'm still dehydrated and I'm still plugging the Gatorade. And I was like. But I'm also really excited at the same time to be here. And so in that moment, he's like, all these emotions are normal. Carrie, you just moved, and you just left your community, and you just had to unpack your whole life again.

And, like, I'd rather you share with me the emotions you're experiencing. And instead, I didn't share any of it. I didn't share the excitement that I have with this move because I'm moving in with my husband. I didn't share the excitement I have for our really beautiful house we have here. I didn't share the sad emotions that I had about moving and leaving my friends in my orange theory gym and, like, my usual routine things. And so what I did was I just went completely internal and closed off. And that didn't give him any indication of how I was doing.

In fact, it made him have to ask, are you okay? Because you're really quiet. And so it was really a good reminder for me last night, because I've done a lot of work to not be so closed off emotionally and to show up as my authentic self. And I didn't do that yesterday. And thankfully, my husband is an incredible man. And he guided me through that moment to just point it out that I wasn't myself. But I just wanted to share this story with you guys today, and thanks for acknowledging that, Alec, that it's okay if we don't show up as our best self every day.

It's okay because we're not going to because we're human. But then to remember how far you've come, because I had to remember how much work I've done on this, controlling my emotions, and then just surrender and ask myself some of those questions, which I do when I kind of go to crazy town of control and say, what do I need to surrender right now? There's some stuff still in the garage. And I literally didn't want to go to bed last night, even though I was exhausted. And my husband had to say, like, Carrie, it's okay.

Like, what's the worst that's going to happen? That there's things sitting in our garage? And I was like, hmm, that's a good question. Probably nothing, right? And, like, in my panic control mode, I just want to control my external environment and get it set to a different standard. And I just had to say, you know what? It's okay. It's not the end of the world. Nobody's coming over tomorrow, and I've got all weekend with him to keep unpacking and set up our life here. And so just in those moments where you find yourself wanting to control, you probably are panicking, you probably are struggling with anxiety.

You probably have a history of some sort of trauma in your life. And just to recognize when that happens and say, what's the worst that's going to happen right now if this doesn't get done, if this doesn't go the way I want it to, and how can I share my emotions right now with someone? And maybe there's somebody in your life that wants to be there for you, that wants to be a source of support, and you do need to open up to them in those moments. So I hope this was insightful and inspiring. I was struggling to share this because I felt like I relapsed almost.

But that's kind of what life is all about, right? It's about relapsing and going back to our old habits sometimes, especially when you've done something like move multiple times. And I relapsed to my old habits of how I operate, when I move. And I had to learn that, you know what, it was okay that I relapsed in that and trying to control my emotions. And I'm going to do it better next time. I'll show up better next time. So thank you, guys. Luke. Mom, thanks for tuning in. Alec. Thank you, guys.

I hope you have a fantastic day, and I love you all. God bless.