Sober Dating

Happy Friday cadre. I am here. My name is Michelle. Thank you for joining my live stream. Today we are going to talk about sober dating. So that is a big topic. A lot of these topics that a lot of the cadre contributors that we talk about, I know we can spend a lot of time talking about them as things that we are passionate about. and often involve a lot of layers and a lot of stuff. And so sometimes these little talks that we do, these live streams are just like touching the iceberg on things, right?

And a lot of them I could spend so much time talking about. And this is one of them. So sober dating. Hi, Shannon. And I will say, I can't see if people comment. So if you have any comments or questions, I will look at it after and I will respond to anything and whatnot. But again, today, sober dating, that is a big topic. Forgive me, my dog is unhinged and barking from the other room. So yeah, hold on, hold on live stream. Lucky, come here Luck. You're welcome. When people think sober dating, I think the first thing people think of is Oh, people who are working a program, right?

People who are sober. And that's not what I meant by sober dating. And that's not what I mean by sober dating. It's a part of it, sure, for some folks. But in general, I just think when you're dating, it is hard enough, right? It is hard enough to kind of trust your judgment, to trust other people. There's so much to navigate in the dating journey. And so clouding your judgment with drugs or alcohol just makes it harder. And so when I work with clients, I talk a lot about trying not to really drink or use substances on dates because it can cause a lot of problems.

So personally, me, I have not touched drugs or alcohol. I've been sober for going on three years. Most of my dating journey was not sober. And I have a lot of stories. This could be a whole TED talk about how alcohol impacted my dating and how like there's been so many times I've walked away from a date and I've been like, oh my gosh, like I drank way too much. Like why did I say all that? Oh my gosh, I probably shouldn't have driven home. Right, all of those things. But in reality, the dating culture is really built around drinking.

Culture in general is built around drinking. Like it blows my mind that when you go to a movie theater, there is now options to drink alcohol. That's wild to me. And that says a lot about our culture as a whole. And so with dating, I mean, people, do you want to meet for drinks? Do you want to go to happy hour? Let's catch the show, a brewery. There's so much around drinking that it can feel scary or impossible to try dating sober. And I'm here to talk to you today about how it's not impossible.

It's actually quite helpful and it's quite empowering and can help you build trust with yourself, with other people and just feel more confident in the dating world. So as I mentioned, sober dating is not just for people working a program. It is to allow yourself to be fully present in the dating process. It is also not to rely on alcohol to loosen up or to have a good time or to perform. I don't need to go into all the problems alcohol can cause for folks, right? But we know specifically with dating and I can share, I have shared a little with personal experience.

Alcohol, and I'm going to talk mainly about alcohol today, but alcohol can cause people to overshare on dates, right? Say things you wouldn't normally say, talk louder, get bigger, just be inauthentic. Alcohol can make, not make, can increase people to be intimate sooner, right? So maybe you kiss someone, you had sex, you went home with someone because you were drinking alcohol when you otherwise, if you weren't drinking, you wouldn't have done that. Unsafe, right? I said I've been on many of dates where I've had maybe two, three glasses of wine and drove home.

And I'm not a real, I'm not, like that's a lot for someone of my size, my stature. And I shouldn't have drove. I should not have drove. And I did, right? I did. And that's unsafe. False sense of connection. When you are drinking, it can make you feel far more close to people than you actually are. Something that I always think of with this is like the women's bathroom, right? We had a bar. People, oh my gosh, girl, you build all these connections. I can't tell you how many times or how many like back in the day phone numbers, like Chelsea, met in bathroom, Sarah, name of bar, right?

These friends are like, oh my gosh, we are going to be so close. And then I'm like, I don't know them at all, right? But like alcohol can just make you feel so much closer to people than you actually are. So The why, regardless of your relationship with alcohol, when I work with clients, I tell folks like I really encourage initial dates to be sober. You can actually with coherentness, with clear mindedness, assess if you like this person, right? Alcohol will cloud that. So on a sober, clear mind, you can actually assess if you like somebody.

You have more emotional awareness. And I know some folks might be thinking, yeah, I feel pretty anxious over. That's not, we're going to talk about that. But you'll have more emotional awareness. You're going to be better able to pick up on red flags. I went on a date with a guy once and we were having drinks. And he Ubered there. And I was like, that's so responsible. Like, the green flag. And then when we were drinking, I was like, why? So why'd you Uber? And he's like, oh, I have two DWIs, people make mistakes, right?

And then, I mean, like all of these things he kept saying, if I was clear-minded, not drinking, I'd be like, those are some red flags. But I was drinking and I didn't notice them. Like they just kind of in and one, I only focused on the things that I liked. And being sober, And dating actually helps you work on confidence that is gonna last. There's a fear that being sober and dating is gonna be awkward, it's not gonna be fun. People rely on uncles to relax. When you were little, when we were all little, if you have little kids in your life, you can witness this firsthand.

You go someplace, like I go a lot of places with my nieces, I bring them out and when we first get there, they're a little clingy. I'm like, there's so many kids out there that would play. You don't want a 40 year old woman playing with you. Like go play with kids your age. And they're nervous, they're shy at first, but eventually they go out there and eventually they're playing with kids that they just met and they're having a good time and then they don't want to leave. As adults, somewhere along the line, we lose this.

Right? We think like when we go to a party, when we're uncomfortable, instead of kind of working through it on our own, we grab a drink. And what happens when we drink? Our inhibitions go down, right? We can feel a little more, it's a social lubricant, and it causes all those problems we talked about earlier. But we, one of the things that sober dating does is it actually helps you build confidence that lasts. It's a term called intrinsic confidence. I'm gonna read the, Straight up definition. Intrinsic confidence is internal, unshakable belief in one's own self-worth and abilities that is not dependent on external validation, achievements, or circumstances.

It is a self-sustaining form of self-assurance that allows individuals to trust their judgment, handle setbacks without losing self-worth, and pursue goals freely. So when you are, hi, welcome in, speak wander, speak wander. When you learn to date sober, it might feel uncomfortable at first, right? I remember when I was trying not to drink anymore. My goal at the time when I was like trying to cut back, I was like, okay, I'm not gonna drink during the week. Monday through Thursday was my week. I'm not gonna drink.

And then I felt like, okay, but if someone wants to go on a date, like, What do I do? Like, what do I say? What do I? And the reality is like, a lot of people don't drink on dates, right? The people who have more of a problem are the ones that feel weird about it. Like we need an excuse or something. But a lot of people actually just don't drink on dates and it's normal. But at that time, I was like, okay. So I would say, hey, I would tell people, hey, I'm not drinking during the week. Like I really value sleep.

And some people, I didn't even say anything. Like we'd go out to grab a drink and I would just grab a tea or an NA option. Or I would do different types of dates. Like I love walking. I'd go on walks, walks around the lake. I love meeting for coffee or for tea. There's lots of different dates that you can do that don't involve alcohol. And the right person for you isn't gonna care, right? They're not gonna say, oh my gosh, this person wants to go on a walk. They're gonna say, okay, cool, right? So there's lots of things that you can do without drinking on a date.

And it might feel awkward at first, but the more you do it, it's going to feel more authentic. You have a better chance at being your most authentic self if you show up as your most authentic self. One of my favorite things to tell my clients, especially if they're nervous, right? And they're exploring sober dating, is to say when they're on a date, Hey, I just want a name. I'm a little nervous. So I just wanted to get that out there. And sometimes just naming that, the other person can be like, Oh my gosh, me too.

Or, Oh, it's just coffee, right? And can just lighten the mood in general. So sometimes just naming how you feel can help. And it's a journey. There's a book. called Dry Humping. I love the name. A guide to dating, relating, and hooking up without the booze. This is a really, I did, I led a couple of workshops on sober dating, and this is a book that I read, like recommended to me, and it's a pretty good book. It's an easy read. I like books that make you feel successful. Like it's short, the words are big, and you're like, I've already wrote a chapter.

Those are my types of books. But Dry Humping is a great book. And again, you don't have to be sober in your life all the time, but with dating to make the process something that you have more control over, that makes you feel more confident, more authentic. If you're somebody who is drinking too much on dates, you're not seeing red flags, right? Sober dating is the way to go. I know so many people whose relationships were built on drinking. Me and my husband, our first date, we got wasted. Second date, wasted.

Notice the theme. We drank quite a bit and that was our relationship was built on that for a while. And now we both don't drink and we've got to experience so many different things in different ways. And it's just like, I wish I would have stopped drinking. earlier with dating because it just makes you closer quicker, you get to learn more authentically about people. Like I said, this is a topic I can talk about for a long time. So I'm going to sum it up with saying you don't have to be sober forever.

You don't have to be sober every day. That's not what this is about. But it's about dating with intention. Dating with a clear mind, making choices from your logical brain, not your emotional brain, your drinking brain. And it can feel uncomfortable and it can feel hard at first. And just like everything, you get used to it. Just like riding a bike, right? The first time you ride a bike, if you remember, you see kids in your neighborhood, it's shaky, it's awkward, it's hard for everyone to watch, right?

But eventually you just start going and you do it. And that is how you build that intrinsic confidence that is long, lasting by doing the uncomfortable things and then getting excellent at it. So if you have any questions about sober dating, please holler at me. Let me know. Like I said, it's a topic I can talk a lot about and I think it's a topic that a lot of people could use support in. So if you want to connect one-on-one, you can find me through CADRE. I post a lot on TikTok and Instagram. My name is @unstuckbymichelle with two L's, so give me a follow, shoot me a DM.

I would love to chat. But I hope you have a lovely Friday and thanks for tuning in today. That's all I got. Peace out.