Self-Regulation & Breaking Burnout

Hi folks. Welcome. Welcome to the live stream. I'm just going to give folks a minute to enter. Settle in. I know a lot of folks will be watching this on a recording later, which is just fine. But thank you for joining me today. And I'll also be able to see questions. If you've never used Cadre before, I'll be able to see questions at the bottom of the screen. So if you have questions, feel free to. This is very casual conversation, so feel free to ask anything at any time. I can't promise I'll have all the answers, but I'll try my best.

For those of you who are joining. Oh, good. Seeing lots of little names pop in. Hi folks. Oh, so I'm Tara Scott. Hi. Thank you so much for joining me today. Also thank you. If you were originally going to take this a few days ago at 8pm which was the original time for any of you who know me personally, you know that my dog passed two days ago. So it's been a tough time, but it's been an excellent opportunity and reminder for me to continue with these practices. Hello from Erie, Pennsylvania. Thank you.

Speak Wonder. Happy to have you here. Yeah, we lost our sweet girl. She had brain cancer and it was time and she's resting now, but we miss her terribly. So it's been. Thank you. It's been a tough time. I will say that these practices that I'm going to share with you today have actually helped ground me a lot and they've been a really good reminder that they're important. So the reason why I wanted to do this talk in the first place is, well, Captain Obvious, if you watch the news at all, if you live in Minneapolis, things have been really tough for quite a while and it doesn't seem to be letting up.

So I just want you to take a minute regardless of where you live, just to ground yourself in the moment. Put both feet on the floor if that feels helpful to you and you have access to that. This is not going to be a hardcore workshop. This is really just a few things I want to share with you as we try and digest all that's happening and find ways to do this that are sustainable. So a little bit about me I've been doing. I've been in the behavioral work field for, gosh, I guess the better part of 25 years.

I used to work in mental health. I was an administrative manager. Was very close to going back to school to become a therapist and ended up getting into organizational psychology and behavior. That's what I do today. What I really do is help organizations and help teams recognize that really we are engaging control of not our culture, but our behavior, because culture starts with behavior. And a lot of what I've been seeing here in Minneapolis and beyond are people who are just overwhelmed. I mean, I'm overwhelmed.

There's just an endless barrage of not just intense things happening and people being terrorized, but also we have to have to live our daily lives. And some of us have children and pets and jobs and all that. Like, how do we juggle all of these things at once? So this is a practice. These practices that I'll be sharing today are really foundational to the work that I do. And I hope that they bring you some value today and that they're things that you can walk away with, that are solid, that are easy to remember.

Not going to share any slides or anything. I really want this to just be time for you to digest. This will be recorded so you can come back anytime and if you need to rewrite things down. But really what I want to talk about today is the reality, right? So I think that I could. I could go into this and say, like, let's all be very Kumbaya and. And find peace that way. But we. I want to start with reality, because if we don't start with reality, what are we here for? Right? We know that things are hard right now, that they're intense, and that not only are we seeing, you know, things smattered all over the news, but social media is a blessing and a curse.

We are exposed and overexposed over and over again to horrific scenes, horrific information, and it's a lot. So when we start to. When we take in all of this information, when we. We see the social media posts, when we see people saying things from our high school, some random person on a news. A news feed on Facebook, like they always say, don't check the comments for a reason. There's a reason for that. And we want to scream into the void, right? First of all, I actually think that there's a lot of value in screaming into the void.

But oftentimes, instead of screaming into the void, we scream at each other. And I've been privy to this as well. Just this morning, my godmother has this person that. I don't know why she's still connected with him, but he says a lot of harmful, toxic things. My godmother has a trans daughter, and I'm just like, I can't not. And when I do. And when we do react in those scenarios, we are in amygdala hijack, and if you're unfamiliar with what that is, amygdala hijack is when we go into fight or flight, also freeze.

But we have a very intense reaction, and we're not able to use our frontal lobe, the logic part of our brain. So when we react and when I reacted this morning, in those moments, if I'm doing it in a reactive way where I'm not grounded, I'm not going to be super clear on what I'm saying. I might potentially have regrets for what I'm saying. And at the end, it's not going to make me feel better. In fact, I might regret what I've said. So the first practice that I want you to utilizes something called box breathing.

It's very simple. So all it is is taking a deep breath in, hold for four, take a deep breath out, hold for four. Okay? So I want you to try that right now. Just breath in, hold for four, breath out, hold for four. And I want you to do that a couple of times as I'm talking. And what you're actually doing from a neurological standpoint and a scientific standpoint is actually regulating your nervous system. So you're coming out of that amygdala hijack, physically, you will start to feel lighter. And breath is one of the most powerful tools we can use.

And that might sound super simple, but it is. So box breathing is something that we can always do to come back to center. Okay. For anyone who's done yoga or meditation, you might be familiar with these practices, but box breathing is what I first do, and I actually feel calmer just from doing that just a couple of times with you, and I hope that you do as well. So the second piece that I want to talk about is since this is about buffering burnout, and what I mean by buffering burnout is I don't want us to always be in a place of repair, needing to repair ourselves because we're so far gone and we're so stressed out and we're so feeling broken.

I want us to acknowledge when we start feeling those things. So let's go back to the amygdala hijack for a moment. I want you to pay attention. If you can think back to when you do feel triggered in those ways, what comes up for you physically. And you can type it in the chat if you want to share, or you can just think it yourself. But for me, I'm wearing a mock turtleneck, so it'll be hard to tell, but my neck will start getting really blotchy. My heart starts racing. My body is trying to tell me it's ringing the alarm, saying, I'm not okay.

I'm not okay. And I'm starting to get to a place of what they call hyper arousal. Hyperarousal is when we are so overextended, we're just extremely reactive. And hypoarousal is the opposite. So that's when we are in the collapse. Okay. Speak wonder. I believe in the practice of primal scream therapy and have gone into the forest. Absolutely. I. Like I said, I'm a huge fan of it. Also, just a side note, if you've never tried active breathwork, they do a primal scream in practice. And a dear friend of mine who's been a dear friend of mine since college, Kimberly Lovejoy, if you're in the Twin Cities, does active breath work?

And it is incredible. Yeah. Stomach tightens up. Same, you know, the past couple days dealing with the loss of a pet, plus all of this stuff. My stomach has not been super happy. Can't really eat. And so these breath practices really help us. But I want you to recognize. So start number one is start paying attention. When you're in a magdala hijack, especially if you're scrolling and you start to feel it coming up, you start to notice your heart rate. That's a great time to practice box breathing.

Take a step away. That old meme of the cat paw. That's like, step away from the Internet on the keyboard. Just step away. Give yourself a break and just relax. Okay? So I want you to think about that first and foremost. The second piece is I have a couple of notes written down because I really want to make sure I don't miss a few of these things. So doing box breathing and getting us out of amygdala hijack does not mean we're ignoring reality. And I want to be really clear about that. We also have to buffer our burnout and make sure we're not overexposed all the time.

And there's really no prescriptive way to do that. Only we can know what's too much for us. So when we do re. Engage, or let's say we're having a conversation with someone who is frustrating us, but we're willing to have that conversation. Let's say we're not an amygdala hijack. We've worked our way out of it, and you need to. Maybe it's a parent. I myself have dealt with this. My mom has told me she can only deal with talking about what's going on in Minneapolis once a week. That did not land well for me because I am, I live downtown, I see it every day online in our community.

It's really hard and I'm not even in the hardest part of this area. But it's not a, you know, it's not a contest. We're all, regardless of where we are, if we have empathy, we're feeling this. So the best thing that we can do in those situations is a small practice. Again, once we're self regulated, we're not hyper extended or hypo extended. When we're feeling okay is something called sbi and that is Situation behavior impact. What this practice is is when you need to share with someone that the impact of what they're saying is harmful.

This is a really nice method that doesn't look like you're solely focusing on your emotions. Situation is explaining to them the specifics of the situation at hand. So in my case, I'll use my mother as an example. As I am living through not only the passing of our pet, but also what our community has been living through. And you tell me that you don't want to support me by listening. I no longer feel comfort. Well, see, I did it. The key is to leave the word feel out of it, which is super hard because it's focusing on the impact.

So I'll try it again. So the situation, the behavior that I'm witnessing from her and then the impact is I shut down. It no longer is a safe place for me to express what I'm seeing, what I'm experiencing. And I probably won't want to approach those subjects for a while. Why am I. Why is it important for me to leave the word feel out of it? The word feel makes people instantly defensive and it doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. But we have to reframe it in a way that people can hear it. Now, I'm not talking about random people on the Internet, on WCCO or whatever news station it is.

You're listening from my perspective and as somebody who works in org psychology, it will deplete you so fast and it is not worth your effort. You're not going to change their mind. Please invest in yourself and invest in your energy. So if there are people who are really important in your life, and my mom is very important in my life and I'm not saying she's a bad person. However, what's happening in my world matters and I need to let her know that in a way that hopefully will not Land as defensive, right?

Same speak. Wonder says, I shut down. When someone demonstrates they are not interested in hearing my heart. Right. We do shut down, and we can let people know that. I think that that's actually a really great way to let someone know. I'm experiencing amygdala hijack right now. I'm. I'm feeling, you know, exhausted. And if. If you're using the sbi, then saying, you know, it seems like you're unable to hear me right now, so I cannot engage further in this conversation. I'm gonna walk away, and I just can't do it.

Right. And you get, I think, being honest and first and foremost and then stepping away. You can also tell people if you are feeling shut down and you feel like you're gonna start stonewalling, as we call it, so you can't let anyone in. Nothing's coming out, and you still want to engage in a conversation, you can say, I'm not able to talk about this right now. I'm having a very visceral response to what you said, because sbi, right. If you do end up using the word feel, it's not the end of the world.

Just know that people often are more reactive with that. Okay. And then probably the hardest thing about sbi, when you tell people that they are doing something that's impacting you in a negative way, if they have a visceral reaction. So oftentimes, when I tell my mom things like this, she'll start crying. It's just what she does. She'll just start crying. And then it becomes a lot of the practices that I teach on a daily basis that I don't have time for today, unfortunately. But feel free to reach out.

I'm happy to continue these conversations, but it's a lot of laying blame and justify something called the responsibility process. But what we think of as responsibility actually isn't. And it's a practice that's near and dear to my heart, but she'll start laying blame and justifying. Well, I'm 75, and I'm stressed out, and my cell phone's having issues, and I'm crying, and I miss you, and I would love to talk to you and not have it be political. And I can say nothing, and I can let her digest, because the hardest thing about SBI is when we deliver that message and we are coming from a place that's calm and intentional and somebody we love is having a very visceral reaction, we want to fix it.

At least a lot of us want to fix it. I know. I don't like to hear my mom crying or I'll get frustrated and be like, you're making it all about you, which is frustrating. But just letting it sit there and just acknowledging it and saying, I understand and I hear you, and staying calm. Because if we continue to try and meet them where they are, we're just going to be living in amygdala hijack land, and that's not good for us. So let's walk through what we've talked about. Okay. Number one is the amygdala hijack.

Recognizing when we're in it, starting to pay attention to what our body is doing. Is your neck blotching? Is your heart racing? Does your stomach feel tight? Are your ears ringing? I've heard that one. Are your hands shaking? That's a big one. That's a great sign for you to do some box breathing. If you are approaching a conversation where you need to practice situation, behavior, impact, taking some deep breaths, trying not to use the word I feel, but saying the impact is. And it might feel really clinical to say that, and that's okay.

It's about really just laying it out there and being honest once we do that. And aside from that, letting you sit with discord. Exactly. Um, I've been, I've been in the coaching world for, geez, I guess, almost 15 years now. And one of the most important things I had to learn about coaching and the hard way because I used to be a fixer, and sometimes I can still be a fixer. I, I can step into that is I, I really wanted, I thought it was my job to, to make people feel better or make them realize that we can fix their problem together.

That's not our job. As human beings, we can support people endlessly. Support is so important. But it's not about the fixing. It's about the support. So one thing that I want to go back to before I get into this third step, because we had the box breathing and the sbi, I really wanted to be clear about this and I wrote it down. And usually when I give talks, I don't write anything down. I like to just riff. But this is so, so important is this is about prevention and not repair, but also strengthening our muscles.

Right? So it's strengthening our responses. So when we start feeling that amygdala hijack come up, we're like, oh, I recognize it. And you'll start recognizing it faster and faster. Right? Then you know it's a non negotia situation. Non negotiable. You can Even tell someone, you know what? I need five minutes. And then let's come back to this. Like, you can time box it if you have to, but just take that time for yourself. And the more that you do that and the more you start paying attention, the more you're going to have space for.

I have a very dear friend who I hope is watching this later. She told me she was actually getting ready for work and she was going to. She lives in Columbia Heights, where a lot of really intense things have been happening with ice. And she was going to a community, like, neighborhood meetup. And I really think it's doing these practices. And she told me, she said, she's screaming, she's doing yoga, she's doing all these things, and it's helping give her energy. That's what we have to do because we can't run on empty.

It doesn't work. Right. And something else important that I'd like to call out. It doesn't look the same for all of us. So some people protest, some people donate, some people write, some people make art, some people make music. There is no prescriptive way. It's whatever is best for you and whatever rings true for you, right? So I want you to give yourself that space. But really, the reason behind this and why I share that conversation with that dear friend of mine is because we have to buffer the burnout.

And the only way we can buffer the burnout is to fill ourselves up, Right? So that's moving into this last piece that I want to share with you. So I'm calling this a buffering toolkit. You've probably heard of self care toolkits. I don't have anything against the word self care, except that I think there's a lot of stigma around those words. And it's either not taken seriously or people think it doesn't work because the wellness space has become oversaturated with it. So let's look at a buffering toolkit.

And what this really means is buffering before a breakdown, buffering before burnout. Before we hit that wall, I want you to think about making a very simple list of what it feels like when you feel good and what brings you that joy. Is it a simple walk around the block? Is it watching a silly YouTube video when you have time? I will tell you that Amy Poehler's Good Hangs podcast or Good Hang, has saved me the past couple days just listening to conversations with women and with her friends and comedians that I love.

It has kind of filled up my cup. Also, Rupaul's Drag Race, like brings me endless joy. Also doing things like meditation, listening to a song that just helps you feel calm. Whatever it is, make a little list taking five to 10 minutes just to drop into cross stitching, knitting, whatever it is for you, just giving yourself a moment or even moving your body. So that's why I'm a big fan of if you can have at least one physical thing, if you are able to do so, which is a walk around the block, maybe doing some stretches at your desk.

If you have back to back meetings, but you're feeling exhausted, please do that. Because when we move, our energy moves. Okay? And that sounds really woo woo. And that's just fine because when we move, our energy moves, right? So like when we do yoga, if you do practice yoga, and I've been out of practice for quite a while now, but a dear friend of mine teaches Iyengar yoga and it's about holding poses for a longer period of time, using props. And it really helps you just recenter refocus and come back with fresh eyes to whatever it is we need to do.

And as we all move forward with the madness around us, the madness of social media, the noise is never gonna stop. And I can't. This was unplanned, but I can't believe I'm gonna make a allusion or a reference to Sex and the City. But if anyone's watched Sex and the City, there's an episode where the character Charlotte is trying to get pregnant and she goes into an acupuncturist and she's sitting in his office and she's got all the little needles in her and there's protests happening outside. And she's like, I can't focus, I can't focus.

And her doctor says, charlotte, there's always going to be noise, there's always going to be people around. It's about centering yourself. It's really about grounding yourself in your own thoughts. Because that's all we have at the end. I've seen a lot of things online which have actually made me really happy where people have said, who's coming to save us? Somebody save us. And there's almost always a response of, we have to save us. We're the only ones who can do this. This is not the first time that humans have gone through what we're going through, and unfortunately it won't be the last.

I come from Jewish ancestry and I spent some time in Latvia this past spring and it was a really harrowing experience. But you know, between The N*** occupation and the Russian occupation and my ancestors seeing their names on a wall, it was. It was heartbreaking. But knowing that, you know, they had to live, they had to go on as best they could through that, and how they really did that was community and showing up for each other, but also taking care of themselves in the best way that they could.

Right? That's all we can really do and just be honest about our experiences and know that we're not alone. But that old diatribe remains so true about being on an airplane. You have to secure your own mask before you can secure the mask of others. Right. If we're not grounded, if we're out of everything, we're not going to be able to show up for other people. So we really need to make sure we're taking care of ourselves. I'm happy to answer any questions, if anyone has questions. I know this was a very brief talk.

It won't be my last. It's been a little while. I've been doing a lot of traveling, and I'm actually heading out of town next Wednesday to work with a client in Norway. And I plan on doing a lot of hiking and a lot of reflecting and just a lot of breathing and grounding. But just to summarize, so we've got recognizing when we're in amygdala hijack, doing that box. Breathing. Right. Breathe in for four, hold for four. Breathe out for four, hold for four. Right. Then we have sbi if we are engaged in an intense conversation that we have decided we want to participate in.

SBI situation, the situation you're in, as specific as possible. Behavior, the behavior you've witnessed and what people have shared and impact, how it's impacting you. Trying to not focus so much on the word feel, but focusing on what. What the outcome is from that behavior. So let's see if I can even do it again myself, because I do have to talk to my mom at some point, saying that when you tell me that you can only hear about what we're living through once a week at most because you're stressed out and you're 75 and you have technical problems with your phone, and that's her behavior.

Right. I'm no longer willing to really share things with you until you've decided that I'm able to do that with my. My mom. And that's really hard and disappointing. It's not using the word feel. It's just saying how I feel and knowing that it will be hard and then letting it sit. Right. Because Your feelings are valid. And then the last thing is that buffering toolkit. So I really want you just in your phone. I would use my phone except I'm holding it. I have a list in my phone that's pinned. I have an iPhone so I can pin it.

I'm sure Android has a similar function, but. Or put it as a post it on your desk. It doesn't matter to me where you put it or on your fridge or in multiple places. What do you need to do when you're in that place and you need to step out? How do you start to take care of yourself when you start feeling that amygdala hijack coming, or you just know you're tired? Can you take a brief walk? Can you do something that's going to invite that rest so that you can replenish and keep practicing building those muscles?

That's all I've got for you today, folks. If you want to connect with me further, please feel free to email me. net and then you can always message me on here on Cadre. I'm proud and honored to be one of the coaches here in the Cadre sphere. So thank you so much. Wishing you the best of luck and I'll talk to you soon. Take good care.