Unfiltered Evenings With Dr. D ☕️

Hey, Cadre, it's me, Dr. D. And I have no idea who's going to be joining me tonight, so I'm going to give it some time for people to trickle in because this is not my normal coffee chat I normally meet. For those of you who are going to be watching the replay, I am Dr. Leslie Davis and I'm a relationship expert and I typically do a coffee chat on Tuesdays at noon Central standard time. But there's so much happening in the world where we need to come together and just have a space, and Cadre is on top of it.

So Cadre has created this safe space for us to just come together, say what we have to say, and I just want to put it out there. 85. Welcome. Hopefully I got that right. Let me know where you're joining in from. Like, where are you located? I am in the St. Louis area, but on the Illinois side. Hello, Joshua. So this space tonight is a little different from my normal coffee chat. And no, I do not have coffee in here. It's too late. It's 8:00pM But I do have hot chocolate and it's still a little too hot, but I cannot resist a cute Christmas mug.

Like, I would probably use this all year if I could, but I think people would judge me for that. So whatever. It's still the. The holiday season to me, but I would. I would love to just kind of give some disclaimers here today. So, one, tell us where you're joining when you come in, where you located. But two, just keep in mind that this is a space where we're going to be talking, so I'm going to need y' all to get those fingers ready. Okay? I can't be talking to myself today because I would love for us to talk about community, and Cadre is a special community.

You guys already know this. Okay? And so this is a time where I'm going to post some questions out there. I will share some of my experience, and I'm going to share some things that I think most people who are not in this community would know about. But, yeah, let's just get into it, okay? There is no script here, so I do have notes, though. So our topic for the evening is the power of community. Now, there's a lot going on in the country. We're not going to get into the specifics of politics. We're not going to get into the specifics of the pain, but I'm going to share people who turn to others for support.

That was the time that People started turning to their neighbor when they probably never talked to their neighbor before. But it was the time when we. We had to connect with each other because we had nothing else. Right. And we weren't allowed to connect in the ways that we normally did. So I think that was a special time. And let me know if you remember that. What was that like for you during the pandemic when you were forced to separate, forced to isolate while you're experiencing this tragic time in life?

Okay. For me, now I am. I like to have quiet, so I didn't mind it so much. But during that time, what really hurt was when I wanted to, like, go visit friends, like, for their. Their birthdays or for holidays. And I couldn't do that. That felt a little off to me, and that was hurtful that I couldn't show up for them the way that I wanted to, the way I normally did. And so that was a transition. But I think that's the beauty in community. When we're hurting, we learn how to transition together when it's needed, right?

And so, again, think about that question. Who do you turn to when you're hurting? Where do you go? Right? Who is your community? And community doesn't have to be this big space. It doesn't have to be filled with a lot of people. It could simply be your favorite person. That could be your community. It could be your co workers, it could be people at church or. For me, a big community in my life is Jiu Jitsu. And that is a huge community. And I do want to share something with you. I am. If you guys don't know what Jiu Jitsu is, let me explain that.

It is a martial art. It is grappling. And so if you can imagine, like, when people are fighting and they actually get down to the ground and like, breaking arms, choking and all that, that's what I do. Been doing that for nine years. And the Jiu Jitsu space is a very special community for me. But I've also been hurt in that community. Okay. And right now, probably most of you don't know this, but I'll just share a little insight. There's a wave of pain happening in the Jiu Jitsu community with some allegations that happen at a team that I am not affiliated with.

It's in a whole nother state, but it's something that is impacting people across the country in the Jiu Jitsu community. And so I think about the power of that, right? How is it that little old me in a small town in The Midwest finds out about something bad that happened or allegations because we don't know what really happened, but allegations that happen to a whole other team in a whole nother state, far away from me, but yet I'm affected by it. That is the power of community. Community can help us.

Community can also hurt us. So where do you go when you have pain? Okay, I hope that you have communities that are safe, and if you do shout them out, go ahead and put them in the chat. If that community is a religious place, if it's your job, if it's your family, if it's just your one person, it's your child, maybe it's an adult child. If it's your best friend, community could be, you know, your neighbor, the little lady down street that always talks to you, always ask you, do you have what you need?

Do you have food? Right? That could be your community. And I think about the homeless community, how they stick together sometimes, but that can also be a place of pain as well. But as I was thinking about what's happening in the world, what we're all going through, there's points of pain. And I think sometimes the pain of community happens when we're not even looking for it, right? It just pops up. So, for example, I don't watch the news. I get enough trauma and trauma as a therapist and the sessions that I have that.

That I do not have capacity to watch local news or national news. But I hear a lot, a lot of my clients share what was hurting them by the things that are happening in the world. And that impacts me, and it makes me want to go find out more to understand their pain. And so where do I go? Social media. I find out a lot of information about what's hurting other people by looking at what's being posted online. So Facebook, Instagram, I don't have TikTok, but all those videos on Instagram, all the reels that are on YouTube, right?

And pain starts to circulate, right? I received information from someone who was hurting. I go find out, why are they hurting, try to understand it, and in the process, I start to feel the pain. Okay, I wasn't necessarily looking for it, but it was brought to me. But that's the power of community. When you're in community, when you're seeking peace or comfort, when you're seeking understanding, when. When you're seeking just someone to be in alliance with you, right? That's what community does. Sometimes when you're seeking that you can get hurt in the community.

Unintentionally right? It's not that we're. We're seeking this pain, and it. People are hurting us intentionally. It just happens. So there's two sides to the coin here. Community can heal us. Community can hurt us. And I hope that you have more experiences in community where you've experienced more healing than the pain. And I know that's not the case for a lot of people. You know, I think about communities such as cults that a lot of people don't like to talk about, but they do exist. They're still around.

And how people who are already hurting seek community. And then those communities that are big, built to absorb the pain of those people who use that as manipulation and control, right? They end up getting hurt even more without even recognizing it. Sometimes they don't know that they're being hurt until someone else is like, hey, you know, that's not right. And that's usually my job as a therapist. That's usually my job as a human being. That's just what I do. I'm a truth teller until someone on the outside can point out, hey, that's not right.

That's not okay. Then the light bulb comes on. It's like, that community is hurting you. You need to get out. Right? But a lot of times we. We don't say that. We don't speak up when we see other people in a toxic community. That happened to me. Okay, not a cult, but it's in the Jiu Jitsu community. I was in a toxic community. Didn't realize it at first, but once the light bulb came on, I was able to exit, I was able to get out. I was able to tell my story. I was able to feel free and get connected very quickly to a much healthier Jiu Jitsu community.

And I was able to experience that in a bigger way today, which I want to share with you. I went to. It's called Open Mat. And so Open Mat is like, where people who are not part of that specific gym can come train Jiu Jitsu. And so it was like the large team, Open Mat. So the team that I'm a part of is like a little team under a big team. And so there's little pockets of us everywhere. And so we come together as a large team, a large community. And I think it's like once a year or twice a year, and we all trained together.

And there were probably more than 100 people training that day. And I had never experienced that before, but the feeling I got being part of this large community that was supportive, like you could feel the love in the room. And I think that's something to pay attention to, is how you feel in your community. But I felt welcomed. Like, I had never been to this specific gym, but the head coach welcomed me at the door, you know, greeted me with a smile, showed me, you know, gave us a tour of where everything was at, and told us the flow of things, like made us feel safe and comfortable.

And as a woman in Jiu Jitsu, that is so important. And that's part of some of the allegations I was talking about earlier. But that community, sense of community was needed. I needed to experience that. And I think people who are part of community need to give that to others, right? So when you have the opportunity to give being part of community, it's really special. But even while I was there today, I kind of scanned the room, right? I'm like, who's in here? Because there were so many people I had never seen before.

I've never trained with them before. So I'm like, who? Who's here? Right? And I saw people of all different ages, men and women, girls, boys, right? All training together. And I saw people of different races. Black, white, Asian, right? Hispanic. And it was beautiful. And I think that's the power of the Jiu Jitsu community is we don't know each other's, like, personal backgrounds. We're just there for one goal. One specific purpose is to train, get better at Jiu Jitsu, right? It's all about Jiu Jitsu, nothing else.

And that is such a special feeling. But the other thing, I noticed myself being in that community, in this safe community, a healthy community. I also recognized that I was the only one that looked like me. And when I say me, I mean a black woman. So, yes, there were other women there, but there was not another black female on the mat. And I. I really checked myself. I paused and actually recorded this because I didn't want to forget how this felt. I paused, and I remember feeling like, wow, I'm the only one, but I'm supposed to be here.

Maybe I'm the change agent. Maybe I'm the one that opens the door and, you know, maybe encourages other black women to show up, too, because I'll be in the pictures, right? So I'm representing. But at the same time, it was like, although I'm the only one, I'm not being pushed to the side. I'm not being ignored. I'm not being mistreated or treated differently, because I'm the only. That's the power of community. A healthy community. Might I add that healthy community. Communities can be. Healthy communities can be toxic.

It's a different type of relationship. It's on a bigger scale. It involves more people. There's more opportunities for triangulation. There's more opportunities for hurt to exist. But when you find a healthy community that brings healing, it can really change your life if you let it. So for those of you listening or watching later, if you're one of those that likes to isolate and go internal and stay quiet when you're in pain, I'm going to challenge you to find your community. Find your tribe. They say that all the time.

I love how that sounds. Find your tribe. Who do you belong to? Who do you identify with? Right? Who do you fit in with? Where you can be your authentic self, not feel judged, feel wanted and appreciated and at the same time be a part of that space where you can give back to. Because community is not just about us taking, right? We're not in community to just take from the other people there. We also have a role to play where we are givers at the same time. And so that requires us to know when we feel safe.

So scan yourself, scan your body, scan your emotions, scan your thoughts. When you're in community, how do you feel? Do you feel safe? Do you feel connected? Do you feel alone in this community? Because that happens, too. And if that's the feeling you're getting, if you feel alone or lonely in this community, it might not be the best one for you. It might not be healthy either, right? But if you feel the connection and you're getting the sense of belonging, which Maslow, that guy Maslow's hierarchy of needs tells us that a sense of belonging is one of our basic human needs.

We need community. And during this time, all that's happening in the world, all that is happening, all the chaos, all the pain that other people around us are experiencing, we need community. We need to create healthy communities. So if you're the one that's by yourself, if you don't feel like you can find the community, start one. Create it for yourself. I'm sure there's someone else like you out there that is probably thinking and feeling the same way. So I'll challenge you too, to put it out there.

Create this community. I did that myself at one time as and one of my community members, Ms. Britney, is on here today. Years ago, about 10 years ago now, I started a nonprofit called Hearts and Faith. And that was a community that I started for single moms who needed connection because I Was a single mom. Still am. Right. My son's in his 20s now, but still got the single mom vibe. But during that time, I needed people who understood my experience to be able to talk to them and be free and not feel judged because I wasn't married or not feel judged because I was a woman with a child that was also having a career and like all these things.

But I needed a space where I felt connected, but also a space where I could give back. And that's why I started my own community. I started a non profit to help other people. And it's been a beautiful thing. It's really been life changing. And so, Ms. Brittany, thank you for being my part of my community. Like, girl, I love you. We've had some really special times together. Yes, and you have. Ms. Brittany has an interesting story with that community. Going from being just someone to attend the groups to being a volunteer, wanting to give back.

And then she became a board member. And so it's just been a beautiful transformation. It healed you and empowered you. That was the goal, girl. So I'm glad I was able to do that for you. But yes, guys, community, community, community. The power is there. So think about it. Are you in a community that is healthy? These are my follow up questions for you. This is off the top, right? Like I did not write this down, but are you in a community that is healthy for you? Are you in a community that is hurting you?

Do you feel safe if you are in a community that's hurtful, do you feel safe to separate yourself from that community and trust that there is another one coming, that there is another one that exists or that you can create it for yourself? Ms. Shannon, girl, I know you saw here. Yes. Shout out to the single mamas. So, yes, community. And thank you, Cadre, for creating this community for us. I will forever be grateful. This is such a special place. I'm over here doing a what, what did I call it? Unfiltered.

Unfiltered nights. This is me. No makeup, nothing. I'm in my room with my. It's my jabberwocky shirt on. Just comfortable and cozy. Like there's. This is me, just literally just not sugarcoated. Just being raw with y'. All. So I appreciate you listening to me ramble and tell them talk to you about jiu jitsu. That's one of my loves, my communities. But yeah, I want to encourage you all to find your tribe and if Cadre is it, tell everybody else about it. You know, welcome other people to the tribe of Cadre, start posting in the community chats, show up to other Cadre creators here, the content creators, and make sure you.

You give them some love. Because I'll tell you from this side, right, I can only see myself. I can't see y' all unless I see your comments or I see you happen to pop up in the chat. And so I thank you guys for comment. That just lets me know someone's listening, right? Because on this side, it's like, I can't. I can't tell. Do y' all like it or not? Who cares, you know? But I'm gonna show up for you regardless. So I just want to thank you for being part of my community today. And I just want everyone to have a peaceful evening and a peaceful Sunday.

And I hope your next week is not as painful. I will be here Tuesday at noon for my regular coffee chat. I have no idea what I'm going to talk about yet. It's a new month, so we'll see. We'll see what happens. But I will also be back here again for another unfiltered night next Saturday at 8:00pm Central Standard Time. Okay? All right, y'. All, y' all be safe out there. And if it's cold, wherever you are, please stay warm. Stay inside. All right, y' all have a good night. Goodbye.