Coffee Chats With Dr. D

Hey, Cadre, I have a. My dog is trying to puke. Hold on, y'. All. Hold on. And sorry, please forgive me. I did not schedule this like I was supposed to. I keep forgetting to do that, and I need to do better with that. So I think I'm gonna put this on my calendar to make sure I schedule time to schedule my coffee chats. How about that? But I hope everyone is doing well. I am in the car. Thank you for joining me today. Sorry for the late announcement of my coffee chat today, but I am here every Tuesday and my dog keeps hacking.

I don't know what's wrong with her. This is sassy. Y'. All say hi. She looks a mess. But, yeah, I do have my coffee in the car. Coffee to go. So I want to share something I just did recently, and this is not about relationships. It's just about something I just found really cool. So I do a lot of scrolling on Instagram. I had different types of connections with the people that passed, and I had to attend my grandfather's funeral last Friday. And so I went out of town for that, and I just wanted to share just my observations.

So this was my first time being part of the immediate family members for a funeral. Usually I'm extended, extended family. I like to sit in the back of funerals. And I'm an observer. I mean, I'm a therapist. I'm always analyzing, so I like to sit in the back. But this time I was right up front. And it was interesting that I couldn't see what was going on around me. I couldn't see the people behind me. I could hear things, but I didn't know what people's facial expressions were giving or just any of the movement that I normally see during the funeral.

And so it was a really interesting perspective to have at my grandfather's funeral. But one thing that I found more interesting was so typically, and I know everyone does funerals differently in different cultures, but in black churches, black families, you know, they may have the body up there with the casket, and people come in, usually the family sitting on the front row, and they greet the family. There's. People have different reactions, not just to greeting the dead, but to greet the family that's still there.

And there were a lot of people in the room that I didn't know. I've never seen them before. I didn't know how they were connected to my grandfather, but they're emotional responses to him being gone were all very different. And some were very surprising to me. And for myself, I was Kind of engaging myself as well. Where I didn't necessarily have a close relationship with my grandfather. I think I. I learned more about him in his late stages of life because I didn't grow up with my grandpar parents around me.

I literally saw them like twice a year for like family reunions or for a holiday. But I didn't really spend a lot of time with my grandparents growing up. So I was around him more because he moved here closer to me, my mother, in the last two years. And so I'm also. I learned more about him in his stages of dementia, which is quite interesting. But other people had like a wailing or just really sobbing when they saw him. Or some people were very quiet and distant, like just paying their respects.

And you could tell they didn't really have a close relations. And I thought that was interesting how we can have very close connections. And I think sometimes the people that you expect to feel close to you aren't as close as you think they are. And this is for those of us who are still around. And we may assume that because someone has a titled role in someone's life, such as mother, daughter, cousin, uncle, whatever, like some type of family role or spouse, you would assume because of that title that that person has, sorry, y', all, a very close connection.

And that may not always be the. And I think that's okay. And I think it's important that we don't judge someone's connection based off of their title. So there may be someone, maybe a co worker who knew different parts of my grandfather that I never got to see. And there might have been a neighbor or someone from his past that knew him better than I did or knew him better than my mother, my uncles did. But hold on, y'. All. I don't know if y' all can hear her. She's just hacking away. But yeah, so I just, I wanted to know what you guys think about that, you know, and think about the own.

Your connections that you have in your life where you might assume you're closer to the person because of the title you have in their life, but that might not be true. And so if there are connections that you have that are not as strong as you want them to be, or maybe you assume that they are. I would do a little check this week. And this is really a good time to see like during the holidays, I think people are learning to show up in different ways where, you know, for the holidays, I think in the past, it's like an assumption all the family is going to come together or it's going to be a great time.

And usually, you know, in a lot of families, there's arguments or there's disruption of some sort, and it doesn't always go as planned. And so you really get to see people for not just who they are, but where they are during the holidays. So pay attention to that for yourself. Where are you in other people's lives? Who are you in other people's lives? And if there's a connection you want to strengthen, be intentional about it. So that is my share, my ask of you for this week. And I did get to see Carrie, thank you for joining.

I did get to see some other family members, so my uncles, again, all of my family is just spread out across the country. And I also found that interesting just because I guess my assumption growing up, I'm an only child, but looking back of my assumptions of how families should be, I assume family should be close and connected. And when it comes time to, like, losing an important person in our family, like, okay, one of us is gone. Now where are we all going to be buried together? You know, what does that look like?

And now we're in different states and we literally are spread across the country. That's probably not going to happen. But does that matter? Know just some random thoughts I'm having. If you guys want to share any of that, what that's been like for you with your family, please put that in the chat. But that is all I have today. I will be here next week. That will be our last coffee chat of the year. Can y' all believe that we. We made it to the end of the year and I. 20, 25. It's been a challenge for a lot of people, and it's been good for a lot.

It's been good for me. I'm not gonna lie. I've had a great year. It's been rough at some times, but I've made a lot of new connections this year. And I'm. I'm also making new connections here on Cadre. And I know there's been new people joining the coffee chat. And so I want to thank you if you are. I also like to know where you. Where are you joining from? So what state or what city are you in? I am in the St. Louis area, but I'm on the Illinois side, so I know that's confusing for people, But I'm like 20 minutes from downtown St.

Louis, if that helps. So. All right, y'. All. That's all I got. I hope you guys have a Merry Christmas. I hope you get to spend time doing what you want for yourself. Don't feel pressure to show up for others if you don't have it. There's no pressure there. Okay. And please, go get some coffee. And I'm about to get another sip. All right. Take care.