Hello, happy Thursday. Hi, Drake. Hello, hello. I don't think I need these because I don't have to hear anything. But maybe it makes me sound more professional. Hello, happy Thursday. I'm wearing my fine hood sweatshirt, which I'm very obsessed with. It's a mental health brand. It's very cute. It just came to the middle today. Um, so. Today is. Thursday as. I'm gathering myself, figuring out. I've been so confused by the days of the week. I just feel like I've been. Uh, running around my head cut off, like a chicken in the head cut off.
Is that how it goes? I don't know. Um, then a busy couple of weeks and. Um, there's been some interesting revelations that have happened. Um, as I continue, um, with sobriety. I'm now, this is my sixth week, which is pretty amazing. Um, and, uh, I finally, I finally found a therapist. So I have my first meeting with therapists on Monday, which I'm very excited for. And I've attended three AA meetings, which has been really interesting. Um, because I really didn't want to go to a meetings, um, for several reasons.
And, but I knew I needed support and I knew I needed accountability. I knew I needed community. And before I could find a therapist, I knew I needed to have something. So I started going to those a few weeks ago. And they've been really helpful because I'm realizing that even if I don't, this is just a personal thing, like, even if I don't personally subscribe to the 12 step model. Um, having a place to go, I go to like women moment. Having a place to go to talk with other women. And feel like there is this safe sort of contained space where we are all working on the same thing, have the same common goal and to feel supported.
Um, and to also know that between the days that I go out meeting, like between, like, between that day and the next one that following me, if there's ever a moment where I'm struggling or triggered or I have urges, there are 20 women that I can text or call for support. So I think it's also, I'm realizing that it's not just about the meeting itself . It's about knowing that there are people I can reach out to at any time, any day. Um, which makes me feel really like I'm not alone, like I'm not doing it alone.
And there are people rooting for me, um, who get it. And, uh, it's, that is really, really powerful. So I am definitely glad that I'm going to those, even if I'm not totally invested in the, um, necessarily the actual, the 12 step program, um, as a modality, a personal modality, but the support is phenomenal. Also, I keep playing, sorry, I keep playing with names because I just, I cut them myself this morning. I needed it really bad and they haven't really looked to see how they've derived. So I'm now that I'm looking at myself in a camera, I'm butting with them.
Um, but I'm very excited to start therapy next week because your girl still needs it. 5, like out of 10. Um, and we were living at like a 12 for a while there. So to be that, to notice that much of a difference is bananas to me. Um, and also just evidence of how much alcohol for me was impacting my mental health. Um, what I've also noticed is that my anxiety has increased, not to the point of like panic or not being able to function, but I have a lot more baseline anxiety, which makes sense to me because I think that drinking was a way for me to suppress the anxiety and not experience it.
Um, it quieted my mind. So now that my mind is fully clear, she's also very active. So I'm looking forward to having some therapy to support with that. And also to work through some of the eating disorder stuff that's still present. Um, you know, fixation around my appearance fixation around food and just like knowing that some of the things that have been plaguing my brain for such a long time are still getting in the way of me living my life to the fullest in the ways that I want to. Um, so trying to like really address that with someone will be really, really helpful.
So I'm happy to report in the found a therapist and I was going to let you know next week how that goes. Um, so that's great news. Uh, okay, I have a comment here. So I know I'm wiggling all over the place for handheld today. Uh, so glad you said that the 12 steps have never been for me. Um, it's hard when someone's in the recovery community acts like the only way. Yeah, I do find that's I think something that I've struggled with is like some of the. Um, and I know that not everyone thinks this way or feels this way, but I also know that a lot of people it's like really, really helpful for them.
So I don't want to, I'm not like sitting on the 12 step program where I'm not going to say that it's a bad modality whatsoever. It's just not, it doesn't align with me. And I think that part of what doesn't align with me is this, the notion that like this, there is a strict way to go about it. If you're not following those steps and you're not, then you're not actually committed to recovery. And I think recovery can look really different for people. Um, and, uh, people can make their own set their own determination of this is what recovery looks like when you use my goals is how I know I'm succeeding.
Um, but for other people that struck the structure of a really works and that's not that's phenomenal. Like, I would never want someone to not use something in perspective for them. So, um, but yeah, I've found that it's not necessarily for me. There's, there's another group called, uh, Dharma recovery, which is a more spirit, like a Buddhist space recovery, but there are so many. There were so much I cannot speak. So. There are fewer of those meetings that are local. That's what I'm trying to say.
Um, where is it for a there's dozens and dozens and dozens. And I want to go in person personally, like, I prefer to be somewhere in person and do something else. So, but again, that's just me. Um, use me. Wow. Um, I had a shot to giant soda. So we are. Whoo. Um, okay, comment. I noticed I'm anxiety and depression tend to be opposite. Oh, interesting. When I'm not in total breakdown mode. Anytime the depression subsides. Yeah, anxiety increases. Yeah, they are like. Two, like, Jekyll and hi, like when anxiety is high, depression is low when depression is high, anxiety as well.
Um, that's pretty common. I would say. Um, and it makes sense because anxiety is kind of the thing about like the nervous system like anxiety is our body's way of preparing for threat. Um, it's our body's way. Um, like getting ourselves energized to fight to flee or to freeze. Like if you think about a trauma response. Um, so anxiety does like increase. Um, that sympathetic nervous system where we are on high alert, we're on over drive. Um, it's hard for us to focus on one thing because we're paying attention to everything thoughts are racing heart is racing.
Um, and it just feels like there's a sense of urgency. Whereas depression is the opposite. It is sort of like our parasympathetic is on high drive. Um, but it's a little bit on overdrive. So we are lethargic, foggy, low motivation, um, lower energy, slower speed. So it makes sense that they don't necessarily happen at the same time because if I'm experienced high anxiety. Um, like physically my body is going to be in that overdrive state. That doesn 't mean that we don't, and don't or can't experience both at the same time.
Um, it's just very common for folks. When one of those starts to dissipate, we notice the other one in the crease. So it's really a matter of trying to figure out how do I, how do I manage both of those. Um, so they find myself in a place of low anxiety, low stress, and, you know, high motivation and optimism, um, without, of course, like going to any of the screen, if that makes sense. So, um, when I get more depressed, I just can't care enough to be anxious. Oh my God, I relate to that so much.
Yeah. So when I get depressed, I just can 't care enough to be anxious is like, that is so real. Um, yeah, because I don't care about anything when I'm depressed, right? So like anything that might be causing me stress or anxiety. I probably don't care about the thing enough to get anxious about it because my, my, I just don't care about things. Um, that's so real. That is so real. So maybe that's a great reframe for when I 'm experiencing anxiety is like, I'm anxious because I care, like I'm like, my anxiety is a sign that I give a shit.
My anxiety is a sign that I, I'm passionate about something. My anxiety is a sign that, um, I feel like something is important to me or someone is important to me, right? So that's a lovely reframe to like give our anxiety a positive spin and maybe have a little bit more compassion for ourselves. Um, which I think is really important. Sometimes I, like when I have anxiety, I don't think about needing to be self compassionate. I feel like I only try to be self compassionate when I have depression.
Um, but self compassion for my anxiety means I care. I like that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Um, okay. So in the spirit of safety, the safety theme. Um, for this month on cadre, I'm going to post a video today about safety. Um, there's two already in my profile. I'm going to post another one today. So you haven't seen those, make sure you check those out. Uh, next week, I probably want to go live on Tuesday because on one day I am traveling. I'm going to Japan next week with my cousin. I'm very excited.
Never been. So, um, please make sure to check my live schedule next week. It's going to be on a different day. And then I probably won't be live that following week. Um, because I'll be on a different time zone, but I will return again the week after that. Um, okay, my love sending you big hugs. You are so loved. I'm so grateful you 're here. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being who you are. And here's to another day of being alive and not knowing what the fuck is going to happen, but at least being here to find out.
I'll see you next week. Make sure to check my schedule for when I'm going to be live.
