HELP, The Four Letter Word!

Hi. Okay. Why does it look like I have like a halo sometimes? I swear you can do everything right and you're still kind of awkward. Okay. Hi. Hi, Cadre. My name is Brittany Hagan, just recently changed. I'm really excited to be here with you today to talk about something that is one of the most difficult part of being a human being. And I'm serious. Like, this is, I feel strongly about this is asking for help. Which is funny, right? Because like, what's, what we're doing here today. We're reaching out, we're asking for help, we're finding a community.

So let's talk about why I feel like I can be your specialist, our sergeant in this case scenario. First off, I'm an army. My name is Brittany. I am an army veteran. I was a sergeant in the National Guard. I was a combat medic attached to an infantry unit. So I come from a tough background. Very tough. I'm sober. I've been sober for. Hi, Shannon. I've been sober for a long time. I've been sober for over 10 years. I think I'm on 14 years. And I, I think that it is a real part of our DNA to try to try to do things alone, which is wild because like, there's just so many aspects around that where you go, what are, what are we doing right now?

I want to talk about a time where I've had to ask for help, which is hard because like, as a veteran, we're trained to be super tough, right? Do things on our own, carry the load, be strong, not rely on too much. As an addict, I'm trained to hide. I'm trying to keep things inside. So this combo for me has been very difficult at a time where I need help. And the example I want to use of somebody needing help would be a now phase. I just recently got divorced, I have a three year old kiddo. And I left a marriage that was not serving me.

And I really had to lean on people in a way I've never had to do before. I'm currently in this exact moment in this little room in my nephew's playroom, doing a live broadcast or doing a stream with you guys. I am living with my sister and my brother in law as me and my kiddo find our home, our forever home. And without their help, I, yes, I would have figured it out, right? Like, because we always are gonna figure it out. We're all strong people here, especially on this freaking app. But I wouldn't have landed in a place as many options.

I wouldn't have been able to start looking for a house, start feeling to like I could transition. I didn't want to ask for help. If you would have talked to me even six months ago, I would have said I'm going to figure this out on my own. I'm going to figure out how to move from two different homes, how to take care of my own kid. I have two dogs and a cat. I know that seems silly, but it matters because they can't be here. So I had to ask for a lot of help. I'm asking to live in my brother and sister, in my brother in law in my sister's home.

I'm asking my friend Amy to watch my two dogs. I'm asking my friend Devin to watch my cat all while they trust in the fact that I'm working my b*** off to find a home. And luckily, hopefully that transition happens here in August because here's wishing. But the point is I kind of had this thought that like asking for help felt weak, which is very odd because it doesn't feel like that way in reverse when somebody asks me for help. But we'll touch on that. It really turns out that a lot of times that I would find myself saying I'm going to take the weight of the world on, I was actually just digging myself in deeper and getting sicker.

Keeping secrets hasn't served me really ever. I know that, like I'm still learning what needs to be said and what needs to not be said with boundaries. But I do know this, that my instincts are often wrong about keeping secrets, about keeping secrets from my family, about keeping secrets about my addiction, about keeping secrets about my relationships, about keeping secrets about where I'm at financially. It's never served me. And I had to write that down. I had to write that down on a piece of paper and say, hey, has this ever been helpful to keep up appearances?

And the answer is no, not for me. It's never been like, hey, you made sure your marriage looked amazing and it turned amazing. Nope, it's never been. You wanted to appear sober and use that somehow. You know, by looking sober. You got sober. Nope. You got richer with money when you didn't tell anybody but you were broke. No, it's never served me. And I had to write that down and be like cause and effect. Please remember this and act accordingly. That that was my breaking point is the loneliness, the fear realizing I, I couldn't do it alone.

And there were people. Luckily I have a super stubborn sister who said, you need to land here. You need our help. You need to not be in this marriage anymore. And it wasn't clean, it wasn't pretty, it was messy and awkward. But it really has been the beginning of things getting better. And again, like, I really want to stress this point. If you can get you to do a thought exercise today or next time that you need help with anything, be it a move, be it just, I don't know, somebody carrying something, how would you respond if somebody asked you for that kind of help?

Think on that for a second because I really think there's some magic in that thought. What does it look like if somebody was to ask you, hey, will you carry this dog food for me? I'm pregnant and I can't carry over 30 pounds. You would like it. I like being asked for help, especially if I can help. So sometimes it's just that thought exercise of turning the table and having it look that way. Is it possible that there is a world where you can see it from the other point of view and realize that it can be a burden, you know, asking people for help, but it also can be a blessing.

Like I always say, two things can be true. Two things can be true. My sister and my brother in law can be super annoyed that I'm living here sometimes with a three year old. But they're also so thankful because of what they're doing. They're giving me the opportunity to really grow my life in an exciting new way. Two things can be true. They can be thankful that I'm getting the h*** out of here, I think in August. But they can also go, this was a really fun time. So let's talk about like what help looks like.

Because that's kind of the big barrier too, especially if you're struggling with alcohol. You think, I don't really want to. Okay, they're connected. There we go. Okay, so what does help look like, especially if you're dealing with alcohol? Because like, as me as an alcoholic, when I first started quitting drinking, the first thought I had was the extremes. If I ask for help, I have to go to rehab. If I ask for help, I have to quit drinking. If I ask for help, whatever. And like, yeah, that may be true in some aspects, but sometimes asking for help is something as simple as calling a friend, texting a friend, saying, hey, I see a chat jumping on this app, joining Cadre and saying, I need a support unit, going to a meeting, AA meetings, you can make fun of things or whatever, but being in a room full of people that are in similar situations and have A similar mindset around alcohol is magical.

Shooting somebody a text. Text is. I feel like texts kind of walk that line of little too impersonal. But like, it doesn't have to be as extreme as maybe moving in with your sister and brother in law. It can be something as simple as I really need a lunch. I really need to hang. I really need a FaceTime. It's a chance for you to start practicing vulnerability and vulnerability again for us army people is awful, right? We hate it, but there's a lot of magic in it. There's a. People can't help you or know where you're at unless you tell them.

They're not going to magically know that you're struggling. We're just not. We're not built that way. We're all in our own world. We all have mortgages and rents and troubles and children and soccer practices and hair appointments. I mean, we all are in our own little world. So like the first step to anything is that honesty, honesty with yourself, that's kind of the first place to fall. And then honesty with somebody else is so powerful. I cannot tell you enough that a big part of this has been getting sober.

And I know people struggle with if they want to get sober or not. And I just like to make sure that like, I tell my truth, that I wouldn't during this transitional period. And me asking for help was a. A big part of that was I had. I wouldn't be able to do this and be this person had I not been sober because I just didn't do things the way I should in the way that was productive while I was in my drinking phase. But that's me doesn't mean you, doll. Just that's me. I think that a nice goal for you and your route and if you're thinking about needing help on something, is set one little goal this week where you're going to be honest to yourself and somebody else about something in your life that's not going the way that you wish it was.

Could be something as simple as, hey, I'm trying. I know this seems dumb, but like, even just like asking to help move something. I've wanted this desk in a different room and I need help moving this desk. Like starting there. Starting with a simple, small task. And again, I can't stress enough. Do the thought exercises. If somebody asks you for that, for that kindness, if you have good people in your life, which I know we're all working on, it's why we're on this app is we're Looking for a community, and we're looking for good people, they'll want to help.

And like I said, yeah, you could be annoying and they might have to lift a desk, but they also might enjoy it and get some fulfillment out of it. Because two things can be true. Two things can be true. I think it's so powerful in taking those steps, in thinking about things from that way of. Would this bug me had I asked somebody else for help? So again, for this week, definitely makes yourself your own little goal of like, I'm going to be honest about a situation in my life where I am struggling with one other person.

That's an amazing goal. And if you can hit that goal and start finding yourself the power and vulnerability, the power and honesty, and I think you're gonna find that you're gonna find a lot of fulfillment in that. I think that's why this app is so powerful, is because there's a chance to be vulnerable in a way that you've never experienced. And it just feels so weird because as an army person, as me, somebody who was, you know, as a veteran, the idea of becoming soft to be stronger feels so counterintuitive.

The softness is so powerful to taking that vulnerability to get stronger is where we're at. I mean, I think that you're gonna find that asking for help could be the difference between saving your life sometimes. I know when I got sober, asking for help and giving up that ego and that power was literally the reason I'm here today. And now asking for help is the reason. Asking my brother in law and sister if I can live here where I find a house, the house of my dreams is literally letting me create the most beautiful life for myself.

But I had to ask for help. I had to say, I can't do this. And asking for help has now created again. I'm living with my sister and brother in law while I search for the house. If they hadn't given me this, I would find myself in a one bedroom apartment searching for a house, not knowing what to do, probably not doing great at my job. I mean, there's just so many aspects to the domino effect of me asking for help and now creating the exact life that I want. And I'm so excited to be here today. I'm so excited to talk to other army people and people in general who are, who are looking to better themselves.

And I think that's another thing is like when you surround yourself with people that want to help you when you ask, it's so beautiful because you want to help people, and so they're going to want to help you in return. Ask for one thing today. Maybe be as stupid as, do you have a pencil I can borrow? Because, like, worst case scenario, they don't and they won't. But, like, I live in Minnesota. They're going to find you a pencil. That's just how we roll. I always want to say, like, you're not alone.

I'm here. We're here. We're a community. And I hope you got something out of this. I know. Even me verbalizing stuff because I got a lot on my plate. Taking a beat and being super grateful for the people in my life that have helped me and that continue to help me and you showing up and me showing up today is pretty cool. All right, have an amazing day. I have to head to work and talk about celebrity gossip. It.