Rachel’s Room🛋️

Happy Thursday. Cadre Crew. It is not Wednesday. It's Thursday. Hello, hello, hello. I hope you're all doing well today. It is sunny in Seattle, which makes me happy. And I think I got, like, the best night of sleep I've had in, like, a month. And that makes a very, very big difference on my mood, which kind of leads into what I want to talk about today, which is I. Tuesday was having. Hi, Kelly. On Tuesday, I was having a really emotional day, and I didn't really know why. I just felt off. I felt sad.

I felt unmotivated, and I was. I had. That was my second day in a row of having really poor sleep. And I sometimes forget how much sleep impacts my emotions and also my ability to regulate my feelings and. And I was really, really tired that day and really, really sad. And something I'm working on in therapy is when I'm having big feelings, sitting with them, processing them, reaching out to friends, making different choices than I have in the past, usually using food or alcohol or some kind of distraction to avoid those feelings.

And on Tuesday, when I was feeling really sad, I texted to my friends and I said, hey, I. I'm just having an off day. I'm feeling sad. I don't really want to be alone. And I made an effort to connect. But when the offer was accepted, like, when someone was like, okay, I'll meet up with you, or, why don't you come over, I was like, oh, I don't know if I really can do that. Or when it came to actually talking to someone about what I was feeling, it was as if there was this block. It was as if my body or my brain was like, well, that's not what we normally do, so that's not gonna make us feel better.

The only thing that's gonna make you feel better is if you go drink a lot of alcohol or if you binge eat on food or if you distract yourself with attention, like, that's going to be the only thing that's going to help when in reality, that never actually helps. It's like a quick fix, but it makes me feel worse for days after. And so the next morning, I messaged my friend, and I was like, I'm really disappointed in myself because even though my brain had the wherewithal to say, let's cope with this differently, like, let's reach out, I still didn't actually act on it.

And she said, well, you know, Rachel, like, number one, like, you did still do something different. Like, you still reached out to people when normally you wouldn't have even made that step. Number two, you're talking to me about it today, which is also something different. Normally you would just punish yourself the next day and not. Not even reached out to anyone. And number three, like, it's. These changes aren't gonna happen overnight. Like the fact that you're aware of this, that you were aware of it last night.

And today, even though you didn't make the choice that you thought might be better for your well being, you still knew that it was an option. Like, it still came up in your mind as a potential thing to do. Like, you were aware of it as being something that was okay to do and possible, whereas in the past it didn't even occur. I could reach out to a friend when I was feeling upset. Didn't even occur to me that sitting with my feelings was something to do. Didn't even occur to me that I was having a big feeling and I didn't know why I was acting the way I was acting.

And she was like, you know, it's also not gonna. Like, those changes are not gonna happen automatically because you're so. Your brain is so used to making these choices to cope with these big feelings. And also you're already in this state of dysregulation, so it's harder to be rational and go, you know what? I think the right thing for me to do is right now. I think the healthiest thing for me to do is XYZ or I'm already dysregulated, so it's gon even harder to make those choices. So she was like, the best thing you can do right now is just today think about what's one thing I could do differently next time.

And also acknowledge the fact that it is still change, it's still growth. And it doesn't mean that you aren't doing something right, that you're not getting healthier or better. Doesn't mean that you're going backwards or messing up. It just means that the change is going to happen like this. Um, and I thought that was a really helpful reminder because I think I often expect myself to make these huge grandiose changes overnight or like, I know what I'm supposed to do, so why don't I do it? And I really beat myself up for that.

Like, I have a lot of narratives around, like, oh, I know, I know better, so why am I not doing it? Like, there must be something wrong with me when the reality is it's just I've been. It's like I've been Turning left at every intersection for 35 years. And now I'm trying to learn to turn right. And just because I know I need to turn right doesn't mean it's gonna, when I get to that intersection, be like, oh yeah, here I go. My body's still gonna be like, wait, but isn't. Don't we go this way? Like, you want me to go over there?

I don't know what's over there. I don't ever. I don't ever go over there. It might not be good on this side, but at least I know what to expect. At least I know what's going to happen. I know how to deal with that. So it takes a lot to like rewire our brain to make a different choice when it's constantly been making the same one over and over and over again. So that's 24 hours is like, okay, so what could I have done differently? What, what maybe is like something I can do next time when I'm having a big feeling, you know, and how can I, like take these skills that I've learned and, and try something just a little bit different again?

Not like with the pressure for it to be like this huge, massive change, but just like a little bit different. And I think one thing is probably like instead of texting someone, like calling, like calling my friend and saying, hey, can we talk? Like, even if it's just for 30 minutes, like talking to someone through what's going on so that at least I'm verbally processing it and I'm doing it in the company as someone who cares about me and who I trust and continuing that, like, that making a connection with someone rather than trying to cope with something by myself, which again is very, very hard for me to do.

So I just wanted to share that because, like, I think sometimes we can be our own worst critics and have this idea of who we should be or who we're supposed to be based on what we know. And it doesn't. It. We're a very complicated system as human beings and it's not going to happen automatically. It takes a lot of practice to put all these pieces together. So please have a lot of compassion for yourself. If you're learning or practicing something new in therapy or with your well being and you're not quite getting where you want to go yet.

Like, it doesn't mean that you're not on your way. It doesn't mean that you're not laying down foundations for what's to come. You're doing great, you're exactly what you're supposed to be. And it's okay to acknowledge tiny little wins, because I think the more that you can acknowledge those small wins and say, oh, like, I'm. I am moving forward, the less you're gonna beat yourself up and say, oh, screw it. I'm not. Nothing's happening, so I might as well give up. So don't give up. You're doing great, and I'm proud of you.

Okay. I was gonna read this comment. Just wanted to thank you for the motivation. I've been saying I need to want to find a therapist for months, but it's all it's been. The other day, I actually called and have an appointment. That's amazing. I'm so proud of you. It takes. And it takes a lot of energy and courage to do that, because finding a therapist is really hard and overwhelming, and taking that step is huge. And I think that, like, some. One of the best things someone ever said to me when I first started writing was because I was beating myself up for, like, saying I was gonna write a book and then not actually writing.

And she was like, rachel, the. Like, sitting at your laptop staring at a blank screen is part of the writing process. Like, you're. You are already doing it. And I think that that was the invitation I needed to be kinder to myself and say, like, oh, this block is part of the process. So I'm already doing it. And that allowed me to just flow into it a little bit more easily. And I think that the same is true when we starting something new. So, like, finding a therapist. Like, we can say it. We might be saying it for a while, but not actually call and make the appointment.

But that doesn't mean that all those weeks leading up to that first phone call weren't part of the process of you deciding that you were ready or. Or getting over a fear or. Or maybe, like, it being the right time. Like, it's. It's part of that process. So here you are. Now you've done it, and that's fantastic. It didn't mean that those weeks before when you said you were going to. You were doing something wrong or feeling you're just. You were just in part of that process of being. Of being ready.

So I'm really excited for you, Rach. It's gonna be. I think that's gonna be great. Okay, my loves. That is my weekly update and thing I'm working on, and hopefully it helps. And I will see you next week at a regular hour on Wednesdays. And I hope that you have a lovely rest of your day and take care of your.