Why Can’t I Save My Kid?

Hi, guys. Chris Eddrington here from Cadre. And again, I got a nice one for you today. So I'm going to focus in very specifically on parents whose kid is out there using. And it's awful and horrible, and you're stressed and you're freaking out, and you're trying to figure out, what can I do to save my kid. And you hear often from a lot of people, you can't do anything. Just don't give them any money or lock the doors or tough love or all these kind of approaches that have to do with your level of involvement.

And I want to make this video about what you can actually be doing that is helpful, and that will make you feel like you're contributing to the solution. So, first and foremost, you should do all of the research about what if my kid will go to treatment? What are my options? What will my insurance pay for? There are a lot of steps that are involved in that. There's assessment. Sometimes there's detox. There's age appropriateness for certain kinds of treatments. There's insurance that pays in state, not out of state.

There are programs all over the country, and if you call some of them, they're going to tell you, they do this and they do that and they do this and they do that, and they're really not known for necessarily any of that. There are professionals out there like me, who can tell you what the places really do and what your kid might really need. And if you are looking to get a professional assessment from a professional psychologist about what we think the type of treatment your child needs, you can do that.

A lot of these things are really great to have and do and try to use, but really hard to start when you have an unwilling participant. So if your kid is out there in the wind, not asking for help, we're really talking about preparation for when they do, right? Like, are they gonna knock on the door one day and say, I give up? Maybe they knock on the door every other week and say, I give up. And then they steal money out of your wallet and leave, and you're frustrated and you don't believe in that anymore.

And why would you? I understand that. So it's a very complicated issue because addicts tend to be in such chaos and in such fear mode that it looks like your kid is possessed. And really, this is addiction. This is what it does to your mind. It turns you into somebody that is so one dimensional that you just throw your whole world out. The person you knew doesn't look like the same person. So I want to make sure that we cover some of these steps, though. So do the research on what treatment's available for the insurance you have.

What are the cash pay options? In other words, what can you afford? Where can they go in this country? What kind of treatment can they get into? Do I have to get them into detox first? Do I have to get an assessment first? Do I have to get an intervention? All of these things. Do your best to research them. Have most of what you can have in place, because you won't know on the moment that they do decide to go which one you're going to do, but do the research in advance. And then here's the other completely other sort of emotional side of this thing where you can feel like you're actually doing something when you feel, like, so hopeless and helpless that you're having no effect.

And that is, in varying ways, make sure your kid gets the message that the option to get help never goes away. I may have said, you can't come to my house. I can't give you money. You can't use my car, I'm not paying for your phone. All this stuff that stopped, and you were advised to do that, and probably correctly, to stop funding the chaos. But one thing that never stops is that this is a train that goes one way and it goes to help, and it's always there and it's always open 24/7 all you got to do is hit the red button, so to speak, or put up the bat signal.

And if you call or somehow say, I give, I'll go, then that option to go get help is always there. And the more you can find ways to remind somebody about that, like constantly remind them that it's there. This is very, very relevant to my own personal experience getting off of heroin after ten years. And Boulder, when I had this person who constantly reminded me, when you're ready, when you're ready, I'm here. When you're ready, I'm here. And I was, you know, and I. And a lot of addicts and alcoholics do get ready.

They do find themselves in that moment where they want that, where they want it to stop. A lot of us did. Often it just doesn't last very long. So unless that just sort of happens to hit at the moment where I'm feeling really bad and mom calls and says, hey, I'm outside, doesn't really work like that. So constantly remind them and constantly give them the message, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. The more sort of emotional side and not practical side. If you want to feel like you're contributing to your child's well being and you want to call them and make these emotional appeals, please, honey, I love you.

Please, please, please come in. And those fall short and you feel really bad that that's a waste of your time. And it's super frustrating. I think it's important that you just constantly remind your child that there is a family here for you. And we do love you, and that has never changed. Even though we said you can't come to the house and you can't drive the cars and no more money, and we put up barriers everywhere. That doesn't mean you're not part of this family. Because let me tell you something about the addict world.

It is the opposite of inclusion. It is a hundred percent isolation. And that is just awful. It feels terrible. It weighs on you. It's maddening to be marginalized. And so this is a bigger piece of recovery. Later, after treatment, when you've got some time where you realize how important an inclusion is. And that's what we do in the sober living world is try to really create that dynamic of you're part of something. It's super powerful. And the last thing I would say is that how do you personally cope?

And you probably get, again, get advice, tough love, don't send the money. Do this. Go to Al anon. I would say for moms and dads who are struggling with the loved one young person out there, and they're doing incredibly dangerous stuff, and you can't sleep at night, and it's just mind boggling how dangerous it is and how useless you feel in terms of having an effect to change it. Talk to other parents who have been through it or are going through it or have been through it ten times. Typically, you find those parents in Al Anon.

And when I talk to the addicts themselves, I say, you need to meet other people. You need to model after others, and that's where they are. They're at AA. That's why you should go. Even if you don't like the God thing or you don't like the cultish thing about AA, which is made up, you need other people. You need other people who have been through it ahead of you, and they are out there, and you can reach out to them so that you can feel like, in another way, educating yourself, getting help for yourself, you are contributing to the progress of your kid, getting help.

So the title of this video was, can I save my kid? And I know that a lot of people would tell you, no, you can't do anything. You have to let them crash and burn. I'm not a big believer in that. I think there's lots of things you can do. I don't want to make the pretend that this is a magic bullet, but these are things that actually do work. And we know this. I've done it a hundred thousand times. So once again, all kinds of help on Cadre in all kinds of different silos, whatever you can think of, people with lived experience, like me, trying to help others with very specific issues and with real, actual help that we know, I know works.

I've done it myself for years. So check out Cadre. If you're looking for something interesting, there are all kinds of very talented people on this platform. We'll see you next time.