Dating 101

Good morning, cadre. Excuse me. I am Michelle from Unstuck by Michelle. It is 9:45 Central Time Zone. I am here in Minnesota and this is the best time of the year to be in Minnesota. Planted some flowers. The sun is out. Glorious. So As mentioned, I am Michelle from Unstuck by Michelle, and I am a dating coach. And so I am here on CADRE in general, just because we know that dating impacts the mental health, right? It can, in all ways, not just bad, right? It can make us feel good. It can fill our cup.

It can motivate us. And at the same time, it can cause some problems. It can make us feel burnt out, it can impact self-esteem, all of those things. And so on Cadre, I created a space where we can talk about dating and all different types of things with dating. And today I titled this live Dating 101 just to kind of talk about some basics, because sometimes even the idea of dating is overwhelming and people don't know how to get started and it just feels like a lot. And sometimes I work with people, so as a dating coach, I work with people to just feel okay about dating, even if they're not ready to date, so that when they think of dating, they're not having these big visceral reactions.

And so dating 101, something to remember is that dating can feel all types of way. Dating can feel exciting, awkward, frustrating and confusing all at once. And today we're just keeping it simple and I'm just going to give you some tips and some things to be mindful of. I don't always see the comments during my live stream, so if you have comments or questions or anything, comment here or drop me a DM on Instagram or TikTok at Unstuck by Michelle with two L's. So When you decide that you want to date, something that is really important is to take time to know what you're looking for.

When you're dating and you're not quite clear on what you want, it makes it more confusing and it just makes it harder. And so know what you're looking for. Check in with yourself about your values. What are some non-negotiables for you in terms of values? And I'm not talking preference like height, where they live, right? Are they funny enough? Like I'm not talking necessarily those things. Some of those values are like, is religion really important to you? And is that something that you want your partner also to hold in high regard?

If you want kids or don't want kids, some of these big ticket items like have some clarity around those things. Be honest with what you want when you enter the dating world. Be clear about what you want, right? So if you're looking for long term partnerships, say that. If you're just looking to have fun on the weekends, say that. I think being honest is important and it can be hard because the other I mean, there's been plenty of times like when I was dating. when the person I was dating said, I don't really want anything serious.

And I did. And I was like, it's fine. And then my feelings would end up getting hurt. Right. So when I know when I was more clear and intentional about what I wanted, I knew a little bit more what I was looking for. And I only would date people who wanted the same thing. And another thing when knowing what you're looking for is kind of kind of relates, but asking yourself like, do I like this person? So knowing what you're looking for, what do I like about this person? Not just like thinking, are they going to like me?

Are these people going to like me? You know, knowing like going into this with saying, am I going to like this person? Do I like this person? How does this person make me feel? So that's step one is kind of know what you're looking for. It doesn't need to be perfect, right? But just reflecting on those things can give you information. with dating, expect awkwardness. Just expect it, right? Expect that first dates can be awkward. Dating is not always smooth, right? Like we're not all just these charisma, charisma, charismatic, charmers, chummers.

Like you are meeting somebody with potentially completely different background, social skills, like all of this stuff. And there's feelings involved and it's vulnerable, right? Like you're putting yourself out there saying, Hey, I'm looking for love. And just know that it's not always smooth. First dates can feel weird, right? You're sitting down with someone that you don't know, Hi, did you come to your office? Right? That first like little awkwardness of a date is normal. It doesn't mean that you failed a date, okay?

And remember that not every connection leads somewhere. Actually, most dates that you go on won't work out. I don't say that to dishearten you, just reality. We don't connect. There's a lot of people in this world and we don't connect in a way that we're going to be with this person forever with a lot of people. I do believe there's more than one person for you out there, but we're not going to connect with everyone and every connection isn't going to lead to something long-term and so just being open-minded about that.

Also, dating is practice. It's not a performance, right? I know when I was dating, I would think I would always just try. I felt like I was performing. I wanted them to really like me. I wanted to be cool, right? I wanted them to be like, wow, that girl, she's got it. And so I would just perform a little bit and I felt like I was a little inauthentic and Throughout my experience with dating and when I did my own work, I started giving less, I don't know if I can swear it, S-H-I-T-S, less shits. And I was more myself and it just felt better being me, right?

Like saying what I really thought and just my own body language. I was just more comfortable in my skin, but that took practice. That wasn't date number one, number five, number 10, right? It took And a common thing that gets in the way of people being authentic and causing more awkwardness or anxiety is overthinking. There's a lot of people who lose confidence because they overthink. They reread the text over and over. I had a client I met with yesterday. And they said, like, I noticed I kept like after we met, I kept timing how long they'd messaged me back.

And I said, Whoa, that's intense. Like, you must be feeling really worried, right? You must have a lot of anxiety. And sometimes like when we overthink, we reread text, we just wonder and lay awake wondering if they like you, playing out so many future situations and overthinking conversations that you've had saying, did I say the right thing? Oh, why did I say that? Like those types of things. And overthinking is a problem for a lot of folks, right? Our brains are meant to think. We're taught to think in school.

We're taught to think through different lenses to analyze things, but oftentimes we're not taught how to stop thinking and how to just be. And so with dating, especially if you're getting back out there with dating, like you know what you're looking for and you're going out there, it's not uncommon to overthink. But one, recognize it. I'm overthinking. Michelle said this might happen. Two, say, I don't want to do this. This is not helpful. And then three, set some limits with yourself, like find good distractions.

Limit your time on the apps, right? Don't have it be obsessive thing that you check. Have other things. Make sure you're still spending time with your friends, your family, your pet friends, doing things that fill your heart. And then also building confidence comes with action. You can only do so much work on something without, your confidence can only go so far without actually doing it. I like to think about it as like, at the game. Like, I don't know if y'all have played sports. I played some sports.

So let's think volleyball. I played volleyball. We didn't just show up on Fridays and say, All right, let's all play, right? Go where you go. And we're just like, and just kind of mayhem, right? No, we practiced every day almost. We had plays, right? We knew, we read each other's body language. We got to know each other. We had different callouts, like, We had a system and that came from practicing on a regular basis so that during the game we could perform. That's like the same with dating. The game though, the game is dates, right?

And meeting and continuing to go on dates. So we practice by going on dates. So a little different, but you know what I'm saying. And so expect that over time, you'll get better, but you can do things before the game, the date to practice. And some of those things are practice conversations out loud. With a lot of my clients, I will practice with them. Hey, how, you know, I'll have them ask me open-ended questions and then I'll ask them back and they kind of fumble. Like if you ask a question, expect to be asked it back, I know it doesn't always happen.

If you ask someone what's the best part of their day, you're going to answer that back, right? What's your spirit animal? Someone just kind of told me. I was like, be expected to answer that back. And so you can literally, I do this when I practice for giving workshops, presentations. I will walk around my house and talk out loud. That's what I want you to do. Be like, hey, Claire, it's nice to meet you. Have you been to this restaurant before? Oh, I don't know me either. I'm pretty excited and I'm glad that this worked out.

Yeah, me too. So what's the best part of your day, Ben, so far? And then listen, right? Don't get lost in law. Listen and say, oh my gosh, you make cornbread? That's awesome. I've been wanting to make cornbread. Don't lie, but I'm making cornbread tomorrow if that's not obvious. But practice out loud. And the more you practice, you're building neural pathways in your brain that when anxiety kicks in, your brain is going to remember those conversations. Practice talking to people at the bar, right?

Or at the coffee shop, at the store. Like, oh my gosh, I've been thinking about getting that creamer. Do you like that one? Yeah, awesome, thanks. Doesn't need to be like, tell me about your trauma, right? But like little things like, oh my gosh, that looks like a really comfy t-shirt. Where's that from? Most people are going to meet you with kindness and you're building confidence so that you'll feel more confident on dates. I'm just throwing kind of all of these dating tips at you. So take them as you may rewatch, re-listen, take notes.

But the big thing too is pay attention to how you feel. Oftentimes we lose sight and just getting caught up, is this other person gonna like me that we lose how we feel. And so when you're dating, I want you to always check in and ask yourself, how do I feel around this person? Do I feel relaxed? Do I feel confused? Do I feel like I can be myself? Do I feel respected, right? Those are big things that I think it's important to ask along the way when you're dating and when you're meeting people. So I gave a lot of different tips and tricks today and I want you to remember that dating does not have to be perfect to be successful.

I don't even know what perfect dating looks like, right? But Dating is awkward. It can be. It can be weird. Things happen. I'm just thinking too, I'm married now, but some of my first interactions, oh my gosh, embarrassing. But it all works out. And you learn about yourself. You learn about what you like, what you don't like, what areas might need some more confidence building. And so again, those kind of four basic things is know what you want, Stay curious, take action, and pay attention to how you feel.

I'm interested if you were able to chime in today, if you're watching this later, what part of dating makes you feel the least confident? And what parts of dating makes you feel the most confident because it's not all or nothing, right? You can feel really confident on first dates and then feel not confident with flirting. I work with a lot of people who flirting, they're like, I don't know what to do. So, but it's good to acknowledge the parts that you do feel confident in as well, because that's awesome.

And I bet there are things that you feel confident in, even if there's things you feel not confident in. So again, I am Michelle from Unstuck by Michelle. If any of this resonated with you and you want to chat further, you can find me on social media, Unstuck by Michelle, TikTok, Instagram. m. m. at Bao Nola, which is a permanent jewelry store. So you can always shop before and after if you want. But it's going to be a workshop just talking about the origins of self-esteem and how to intentionally work on that, shifting your beliefs about yourself, feeling more confident, getting rid of some of that date, those date jitters, and all that stuff.

So thank you for chiming in. I hope you have a lovely Friday. I will be back next Friday.