This won’t be as depressing as the title suggests! Ha! For many of us, loneliness spikes during the holidays, not because we’re alone, but because the noise quiets and what is missing becomes harder to ignore. This short conversation is about why loneliness can show up even inside relationships and surrounded by people, what it is pointing to, and how it can become a doorway to deeper connection.
Holidays don't create loneliness, okay? They tend to reveal it. This is our system noticing a gap between what we long for and then what's actually here. And that truth can be met with honesty instead of shame.
Just name it without feeling the need to fix it. Tends to show up in the body as a sensation. Third piece of this very simple practice is choosing one honest contact. Loneliness really loses its power in that.
It. All right, all right. Gonna jump into this live here. Hello, hello, Hello. All right. Gonna let a little bit of. And give a little bit of time here to. For anybody to make their way in. It's a kind of a strange paradigm of. During the season when we've got all the music and the festivities and the gifts and all the things happening that you would think, man, that would be when loneliness would feel the least, maybe it would go down the most, and we get a break from the craziness and. And we feel more connected and together and seeing more than ever.
But it seems to be the opposite. And so holidays. I want to kind of frame this a little bit in terms of grounding frame. Holidays don't create loneliness, okay? They tend to reveal it. And so once something's revealed, it's the beautiful thing about when something's revealed and we become aware of something, it can finally be met with honesty instead of shame or thinking something's wrong or bad. And so nothing's wrong with you or I for feeling loneliness in the holidays, okay? This just means something true is surfacing.
So it's a beautiful thing that we can take. And if we're feeling lonely, you are feeling lonely, or you may know somebody that's feeling lonely or just kind of in it. That can be a helpful frame in this. So loneliness and holidays, it's not usually random. Okay? This is. This is our system noticing a gap between what we long for and then what's actually here. Okay? So the season in around the Christmas and New Year seasons, it tends to turn the volume up on togetherness, traditions, belonging. It's a beautiful pattern.
Interrupt. That's how I would think of it. Our society is obsessed with productivity and speed. All these to do lists that we've got to get through. Those all get uninterrupted during the holidays. And it's beautiful. But whatever is missing tends to show up during that time. Because the pattern is interrupt. We're not as busy and distracted. And so examples of this are like, maybe a. Like a romantic or friend relationship that feels thin, that shows up. Maybe a family dynamic that never really, like, feels like it meets us, that shows up.
Maybe a person that we've lost and we're feeling lonely loneliness. And that. That shows up. Maybe a part of us that's been performing instead of being known, that shows up a little bit. And so here's the twist that isn't necessarily fun to be with. I know we all hate, but we can feel loneliness even when we're surrounded by people because loneliness isn't the same as being alone. It's a feeling of not being met and being seen. So Carl Jung has, I think my favorite definition on loneliness is said it's not the absence of people, it's the inability to express what matters most to us.
And so that's what happens when we don't feel seen and met. It's that feeling of I am lonely. And so if loneliness is showing up for you or somebody that you know, it doesn't mean you or they are broken. It means that something true is being revealed. Okay. And that truth can be met with honesty instead of shame. Beautiful thing. And so I want to get really practical here with this instead of just talking at 30,000ft and being really philosophical and theoretical. That was just the groundwork and the framework of like what loneliness is.
And now I want to share like a simple three step, like practice essentially to get at and to work with this feeling experience of loneliness. So one, just name it without feeling the need to fix it. This is very hard for us because our brain immediately will go into fix it mode of I'm feeling something I don't want to feel, I need to fix this, I need to stop feeling this. And so that can become a little bit of an obstacle and opposite position for us actually identifying, working with the loneliness.
So very, very easily, simply and quietly, just name it. I feel lonely right now. It's truly as simple as that. Not why do I feel lonely? Not what does this loneliness mean? Not how do I solve it. That's immediately where our minds will go in the beautiful problem solving thing that they are. Instead, just name it. Experience loneliness tends to lose a lot of its power once it's spoken plainly. Okay. To locate it in the body. So this is just asking a simple question. Where do I feel loneliness? Where do I feel it?
Okay, chest. Do I feel it in my throat? Maybe there's some tightness here or in my gut, My belly, behind the eyes. When I name I'm feeling lonely. And then we allow ourselves to just listen and not be distracted. Tends to show up in the body as a sensation. And we can get really specific then of giving it attention. That loneliness is kind of like a rowdy kid in the backseat that just wants attention, is screaming. If you just ignore it. Oftentimes it doesn't get quieter, it gets louder. The kid wants attention.
The kid wants to be recognized and seen. And so it's the same thing with loneliness. How do we see it? All right, we identify it in the body. Maybe just put Like a hand there. If it's showing up in the chest a little bit, that's a lot of. Where a lot of my emotions tend to rest. If it's showing up, just touch it. Even just like touching it shows up in that way. And then just breathe normally in that. Let the body know you're paying attention. And then the third piece of this very simple practice is choosing one honest contact.
This is a practical thing that you could put into practice today. Even so, maybe choosing one of these examples one is just like send a message to someone that tells the truth instead of performing and feeling like you need to be something or someone for them. Maybe it's just like, hey, you're. I thought of you today and I just so appreciate how you just always show up for me. Or I just so appreciate how you know how loving and how full of life you are and, and so I just wanted to just share that with you.
Just one message of honest contact. Maybe it's another example is like sitting with someone without trying to be interesting. That can be a really novel concept because every time we sit with someone feel like I, I've got to turn it on. I've got to be interesting, I've got to be exciting, I've got to be fun, and I've got to be thoughtful and wise and smart and all these different things where our identity and our, our ego kind of kicks in. And it's not because we like want to be fake or insincere.
It's just these things just kind of show up. And so instead of trying to perform, just be there without being interesting. Or like last, like another example, Maybe just take 10 minutes alone without numbing or distracting. No scrolling, none of that. And even in that, that can be like a real honest, like a true point of contact. Loneliness really loses this thing and its power in that. And Carrie had shared sending or sending an ancient, ancient attachment text to someone you love. Yes, or that exactly.
The goal is just real. It's is just not connection with everyone. It's just one real point of contact. And that tends to kind of ground us a little bit out of that loneliness then because the loneliness just wants to be sane. And so that's it. Hopefully that's really practical and simple for you. Any questions or thoughts are very welcome in this as well. But again, the empathis in the season. Loneliness shows up a lot in this season for a lot of people. If you're not feeling it, then someone close to you likely is.
It's very, very common and, and if you are feeling it, you're not wrong or broken. It just means something's being revealed that isn't seen in the course of our day to day throughout the year when we're all busy and distracted and. And doing our best to provide for ourselves, our family and everything. This is the moment of the year where the holidays act as a pattern. Interrupt, slow us down, pause us, and. And then, ooh, loneliness shows up. That's just a sign of, okay, cool. There's just something that needs attention in a relationship or something showing up in my life.
And what a beautiful time to give it some attention, give it some love. And so I hope that helps, guys. And if there's any other questions or any thoughts, don't hesitate to reach out. And I hope that this holiday season, I hope you feel connected, I hope you feel loved, I hope you feel seen and appreciated for the beautiful freaking human that you are. And I hope that is a gift that you allow yourself to feel and experience in this season. And I hope that you get that gift from others. And I hope that you give yourself the space to give it to others as well.
All right, Love you all. Merry, Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone. Sa.
