Rachel’s Room🛋️

Happy Thursday. Cadre crew. Hello. Hello. And give folks a moment to trickle in. Per usual. Per usual. I hope that you are all having a lovely week and settling into the very bizarre truth that it is going to be November this weekend. How did that happen? I do not know. I feel like this year was so long, but so fast. Hi, Rach. And it's. Yeah, it's wild that we're coming up on another transitional time. Hi, Rick. And your girl has been in her feels, let me tell you. So, yeah, there's been a lot sort of happening for me in therapy with my mental health, with sobriety, with change and transition, and it's.

It's been a really, really interesting time. Rachel says she hates this time of year. B. i know this. This time of year can be super rough for a lot of folks. Holidays can be rough for a lot of reasons. The weather can be tough for a lot of reasons. We're also just, like, vehemently reminded that we're, like, coming to the end of a year, which can create some pressure around trying to accomplish goals. It can also put us in a state of deep reflection about the year past, what has happened, what hasn't happened.

So this time of year is always. It brings up a lot for a lot of people. So it's really normal. It's very common. I don't think anybody is immune to feeling all of those things this time of year. And it does not mean there's something wrong with you. So I'm just gonna double down on. Nothing is wrong with you, I promise. I wanted to share a little bit about some. Some, I guess not necessarily revelations, but some things I've been processing when it comes to grief. I have been writing about this a little bit, but last week I was it just so emotional, like, so unbelievably emotional.

Like, everything made me want to cry. I like, you know the feeling when, like, you know, like, you can feel tears are, like, bubbling up and you just cannot stop it. Like, you're like. It's like you have to hold it in because, like, your body's like, you are going to cry right now. That was me, like, all week, which was very odd because nothing specific happened to, like, trigger a big emotional reaction. I wasn't about to get my period, so my hormones weren't doing their hormone thing, and I was really confused.

I was like, what is going on? And I think I shared this last week. My therapist was like, well, what if you don't have to analyze it? What if it's Just like, oh, right now, I'm just a little more emotional, a little more tender. Okay? That's just how I am right now. Which was a really nice sort of gift from her because I'm the queen of overanalyzing every thought and emotion I have. And. And on Thursday night, I went to an AA meeting. And I was. The entire meeting, I was just holding back tears.

Like, I just felt like I was gonna. If someone asked me to speak, I would have been a blubbering mess. And I got home, and I dissociated for, like, two hours, and I avoided feeling anything. And then I turned off my TV and I played a song that, like, brought up some old emotions, and I just burst into tears. And I was sobbing on my couch for, like, a solid 10 minutes. And it's. It's funny to me how. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but when I. When I cry, when I have an emotion that causes me to cry, it's.

I can feel in my body the difference between crying because I'm sad, crying because I am disappointed, crying because I'm depressed, crying because I'm hopeless, crying because I feel grief. Like, it feels different. I. And I. I didn't really. I don't think I really was able to make that discernment until I got divorced, because that was the second time in my life I have felt immense grief. And it. And it was. I could. I could feel in my body when I would feel that. That emotion, that. It was the same as the last time I had felt grief when someone had passed away, like, decade.

A decade before. And so when I started crying on last Thursday, I immediately knew that it was a grief cry. And that perplexed me because I didn't feel like there was anything I should be or could be grieving. Like, nobody has died. I haven't lost anything. And I realized that the grief that I was feeling was grief over the life I thought I was going to have. And I. And I sat on my couch and I cried, and I sort of, like, vocalized and spoke out loud about all of the things that I was grieving and the ways in which I felt.

Like, you know, when I was a little girl and I thought about the life that Rachel was gonna have as an adult. This was not it. And not that I don't like my life. Not that I don't like my friends, not that I don't like my job, not that I don't like my apartment or my dog. Like, it's not like, the life I have is bad. It's just not the life I thought I'd. And. And in a lot of ways, there are certain elements of my life, especially since. Since I stopped drinking, that have made me feel powerless. Like, I was.

I was talking to a friend and I was like, you know, I. I chose sobriety. Like, this was my choice, but that's because it was the better of two options, and neither option was good. And. And I have felt that way recently, like, in the last several years. It feels like I am. I'm choosing between two options, and those two options are not. Neither one of those options is very good. I don't like either option, but I have to choose the one that's better for me. Like, when I got divorced, I didn't want to get divorced and not be with the person I loved and cared about and who I'd been in partnership and had a Life with for 10 years.

But I also didn't want to stay married to somebody that I no longer shared certain values or interests with. And I didn't want to sacrifice becoming the person that I wanted to be and being the woman I wanted to be to stay in a relationship that was no longer working for either of us. Neither one of those were things I wanted, but I had to choose one. And. And so I feel like I also have noticed that, like, the. Some of the dissatisfaction I've been feeling and I think I've been talking about a lot here is.

Is grief. It's grief around the way I thought things would be, around feeling powerless and like, I have had to make choices that I didn't want to make or never thought I would have to and gone down paths that aren't necessarily ones I want to go down, but they're the better of two options. And I. I feel like after I had that big cry and after I really, really released and, like, spoke out loud what my grief was, and then literally held myself and told myself, like, I gave myself a pep talk, and I was like, look, Rach, like, I know this is not how you thought life was going to go.

I know that you did not expect to be divorced. I know that you did not expect to be in a place where you've had to work your mental health for so many years. I know you did not expect to be someone who had to stop drinking. I know that you did not expect a lot of this to happen. But that does not mean that your life is over. That does not mean that this is the end. You can always, always start over. And you can always try something new. And you have so much time. And I just, like, I literally. I don't know if you guys have ever done this, by the way, but I Learned this on TikTok during COVID This is called a butterfly hug.

So you take your hands, you cross them, and you put them around your face like this, and it feels like someone is holding your face. It is the most tender feeling ever. So if you're ever crying and you feel like you wish somebody was there to, like, hug you, try this. It is incredibly soothing. It might you cry more at first. That's okay. Sometimes when somebody hugs me and I'm crying, I cry more. But I literally, like, held myself in a butterfly hug and told myself, like, all of those things. And since then, I haven't had those emotional bursts, and I.

And I've felt a level of hope. I felt like by letting myself grieve and by letting myself acknowledge that dissatisfaction, I put myself in a place where I can now actually start to make steps towards a different. A different outcome. Like the. The. You know, these things might not be exactly what I thought or what I'd hoped for. And I can grieve that. And I can create new dreams. I can create a new vision. I can decide for myself, like, okay, if this is not feeling like the life I thought I'd have, then what is the life I want?

Like, what is the life that I want for myself in the future? And what can I do to get there? And that has felt really, really empowering and loving and exciting because I, you know, I don't think I've had this level of motivation to. To give myself the life I want in probably five years. And so I'm feeling hopeful, and I'm feeling grateful. So that's what I wanted to share today, is that sometimes grief. Grief shows up in very bizarre ways. Sometimes it does not hit us when we think it will, and sometimes it's not about what we think it's going to be about.

And you don't just grieve people. You don't just grieve death. We grieve all kinds of things. And letting ourselves mourn and go through that process is a really loving thing for us to do for ourselves so that we can create space for us to let go and move on. So if you are feeling stuck or lost or uncertain, I invite you to ask yourself if there's something that needs to be grieved. I invite you to ask yourself, like, what am I holding on to? Like, am I stuck because there's something I'm holding on to that I need to let go of, that I need to grieve, that I need to.

That I need to mourn. And you might be surprised what comes up. So. Okay, there are some comments here I'm gonna try and respond to. Hang on, we'll see. Let's see. Rach says I haven't been able to cry in so long. Just waiting for the floodgates to burst. Yeah, I feel like the crying that happened for me last week was like months and months of buried grief that I was avoiding or just didn't even know was there. Honestly speak wonder I am close to tears lately. It's okay to let it out, and it's okay if you're not ready.

It always gets me is how much I fight it when it comes, despite knowing after lots of experience shutting down, that the feelings just build and get worse the longer I do that. Yes, that is true. It's weird. Grieving the passing of my youth. It could be an over. Oh, my God. I get that. So, like, I, I think also a lot of the grief I've been feeling is a, is around aging. And not that I feel old, but I, I feel, I, I, I feel that that sense of, like, oh, yeah, like, time is gonna keep passing. Like, I cannot stop time.

I cannot stop aging. I cannot stop getting older. And I think that knowing that, like, has been bringing up some of those feelings of, like, oh, I'm the age now that I maybe visualized when I was a kid, when I thought about being a grown up, like, that's kind of the age I feel like I'm at. And so it's given me a lot of that, that time to reflect and think about, oh, like, what did I think I was gonna be like when I was a grown up? Or, like, what did I think my life was gonna look like? Or what did I think I was gonna be doing or who I was gonna be with.

And so, yeah, time and aging is a real, A real thing. And grieving and grieving our youth for all kinds of reasons. Right? Like, not just the physical aspects, but just, like, the experiences we had when we were younger or the people that we knew or were friends with or had relationships with, like, there's a lot there to grieve. That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the butterfly hug. You love Kim. You have a wonderful. Oh, thanks, Rick. I appreciate you. I've recently started embracing my close ones with what I call the heart hug.

Oh, what's a heart hug? I want to know what that is. A heart hug is when you approach your dear one on their left side and you gently slip it into a side hug in the vicinity of their heart, and your hearts will touch. Oh, my God. That's so freaking cute. Oh, okay, now I need to find someone to do a heart hug with. Oh, I love that. Thank you for sharing that. That's so sweet. That's really cute. Okay, my loves. Well, I'm gonna. I'm gonna end this live. If you haven't already, check out my page. I have some new videos up there.

And. Wow. And I will. I guess I will see you in November. That's crazy. That's crazy. Dang. That's nuts. Yes. Lots to talk about in November, let me tell you. Especially as these holidays approach. So I will be here. We got this. You're doing great. I'm so glad you're here. I'm proud of you. If I was there, I'd be giving you. This is me giving you a side. A heart hug. I love you all very much, and I will see you same time, same place, next month.