Loneliness

Hi, um, hello. Welcome. We're going to talk about loneliness. So I'm so bleak. Doesn't. That's fine. I don't know. It's not that bad. So it's cooling down or getting that cozy weather. We're eating the cuffing weather, which is kind of funny because I always said that copying was like a sex term. It's not. It just means like cuffed up with people. It just shows you how mature I am because I come from the military and we make everything the worst in sexual. So sorry about that. But yeah, I'm an army veteran 15 years sober.

I am a divorcee, a single mom, and I want to talk to you about loneliness. We don't really like that term. We always feel a little bleak saying it, don't we? I always feel pathetic bringing this topic up to anybody I'm working with, like loneliness, because we're not supposed to. Loneliness is not supposed to happen, right? Especially if you're like a millennial. You're like, I'm told that if I'm lone, like if I'm bored or whatever, it's bad. And you have that feeling that saying lonely is bad and like you're weak or something.

But the reality of it is we make a lot of decisions around loneliness and none of them are always great. Some of them are okay, right? Like if you're lonely, so you're like, oh, I'm going to reach out to my friends or go to the dinner or something like that. Some things are not. So we're going to talk about that natural need to want a couple up in when it starts getting colder. So as we put on our layers and our comfy, cozy, cozy clothes and we get our big blankets, we start thinking, hmm, it would be nice if somebody else was, I don't know, in the sweater.

No, in this blanket. And sometimes we're not looking for love. We're coming from a place of lonely. And like in some ways you go, it's not the worst thing, but it can be, and not the worst, but it can be unhealthy for you and the person that you're seeking because those, not everybody's coming from that exact same spot as you. I want to talk today about the difference between healthy and unhealthy reasons to start looking for a partner. So like I mentioned before, lonely, being alone isn't always bad .

It, I should say like feeling lonely can motivate you to do things that aren't always bad. Now there's a lot of people out there that like being alone. This is the most time I've ever had alone in my life. I went from being married and having my kid with me all the time to now being divorced and only having her half time. So this is the most I've ever been alone. I think ever because I've always lived with people. I'm very social. So let's talk about when loneliness starts being starting to feel kind of like less like I'm an independent lady and I'm hanging up things and I'm getting stuff done.

And certainly noticing this is something I talk with my therapist a lot is when loneliness starts to feel heavy or isolating or painful because as you guys, I'm sure as you all know there's times in your life where you've been alone and been super happy. Look at all these people talking. Hi, Jan. Hi, Jewels. Hi, Speak Wonder. It's time in your life where alone doesn't feel bad. It feels good, right? Noticing those two differences is going to be a big difference. Does that make sense? Like there are times where you'll go, "I'm alone" and loving it and there is something, oh my God, Speak Wonder said such a good point.

Solitude is something I choose but loneliness is something I do not enjoy. That's a really good point. So maybe when, you know, a lot of times it's more of a choice. Like, I'll be really honest and vulnerable right now. Like, I'm not a very lonely person but when my kiddo's three leaves my house, I am very lonely. So sometimes it's even just one person or one thing, you know, that I can do it to you. And I've been really trying to recognize when I'm seeking something as a distraction. So let's talk about when loneliness is kind of a negative or when we do actions that maybe are super, super helpful to us.

So that distraction is usually my number one distraction from feeling sad. When I want to feel distracted from feeling sad and I seek a partner and especially like I do it in a way that I think it is harmful to other people . I mean, not like awful but like not mindful of their heart. And I think that that's something I'm really working on. I'm working on naming what it is. Like, instead of just trying to fill the void , I'm not addressing, I'm working on naming it. I don't like saying that I miss my daughter.

I mean, she's 12 minutes away and I see her every almost, I see her in a day. But that one's hard for me. That one's really hard for me. So that's when I make decisions and reach out to people that maybe I wouldn't have. And, you know, it's starting to make me feel like I'm a user of people. You know, a lot of friends in the military, we have to talk about this is that numbness. If you're numb inside and you're dealing with it with a person, you know? Like even my, well, I'm sober as well. My sober friends, we talk about this as well.

Is that like, there's a dry drunk and sometimes reaching for a partner when you shouldn't. And like a dry drunk is a term where you're still kind of doing the behaviors that your alcoholism used to do, even though you haven't had a sip of alcohol. And that's one where you kind of aren't really, again, I'm not trying to act like you're not being mindful of other people's hearts and minds and even what they care about. And that's usually what happens when I reach out when I'm lonely is somebody who I say, hey, I don't think we should date or maybe we should just be friends.

And then I'm like, you should come over and watch a movie. It's really hard. This is a very hard habit for me to break. Because otherwise I'm very, very conscious of people's feelings and do not want to hurt anybody. Jumping into a place of desperation is like building a house on sand. It won't last. And like, I don't know if, here's my problem is like, I'm not looking for relationships. And that can be, if you're not up front about that, that can be a very, very, very brutal thing as well. So I think a lot of people that I've talked to about this, a lot of early friends, when we talk about this loneliness and reaching out for people at a time of loneliness, is this does not make a relationship.

It doesn't because, to be honest, if you were a very busy person and you were madly in love with another, you would hang out with them when you're busy. You would figure out times they hang out with them busy. You wouldn't be reaching for them at times where you're just like, have a lot of availability. Does that make sense? Like, if they were so sparkly and shiny and you wanted them to be your forever person, you fit them in on a Tuesday. You would. And the reality of it is, is this isn't your person, most likely.

I mean, things can change, but yeah, I'm just really, really speaking from my experiences. So let's talk about how we're going to go into this cold, comfy weather and try to be mindful of our own hearts and mindful of other people's hearts and what's healthy and what's not healthy. Let's talk about what our motives are before saying yes to dating before reaching for that phone. I usually say before I even start texting somebody, I'll go watch one episode of Real Housewives. This might solve your problem.

Now, yours is probably not Real Housewives, or maybe it is, but think of a show that's about an hour and watch it. I know Wednesday is really great. Everyone's watching Wednesday's on Netflix. And find yourself going, maybe this is just, I mean, my brain to be watching something. And like, oh yeah, speak when they're all wrapped up in a soft blanket as well. You romanticize your life in a way that somebody else was there. That's another tip that my therapist gave me, is light a candle, get a big blanket, make a big comfy drink.

Instead of just like your black coffee, throw some caramel sous syrup in that bed, boy. There is something to be said about doing something just for yourself because I 'm a real bare bonesy girl. I mean, my house is really girly, but I have a very bare bones lifestyle where I grab something go, you know. I go with my kiddos not here, I eat while standing, but I've been realizing that there's something really special. And again, like I keep saying the word romantic about the idea of taking the extra effort, making things really beautiful and doing it for myself.

And a lot of times that solves it. I don't know why I should look into that, but sometimes that little trick solves it. Like giving yourself the whole place settings, the candles, the chill, maybe some background music, and you just kind of treat yourself like you're your date, which is so stupid. I know, but it weirdly works. And then again, getting into a really cute lounge outfit or like whatever your equivalent is is a cute little lounge set and a big old blanket and watch a show. You'd be surprised at how leaning on yourself like that can be very comforting.

Okay. Another thing is this honesty, being honest with yourself and being honest with the other person. And I don't know, this one's a tricky one for me because I am very honest. I'm disgustingly honest and I tell boys where I'm at and then I don't want a relationship right now. But like, sometimes I know they don't hear me or I think they think that like they can, that'll change like time. But I usually, it usually won't. And I am still battling this one. I don't know if this is relatable at all.

You know, when you tell somebody like, I don't want a relationship or we could be just friends. Ooh, Jen's leaning into dating herself. I love that. And Jen, this is the unhealthy brain of mine. We should date each other together. Like, nope, that's how it works. I'm such a, ugh. So, what I was going to say is that honesty piece about telling somebody where you're at dating, you kind of have to force their hands sometimes in the way that like, they might want to stick around you. Because I'm sure if you're such if you're somebody who's growing and changing your a shiny little star that people are attracted to because they see that, right?

And I'm dealing with the idea of, I know that they heard me, but like, sometimes it feels like they're not acting like they heard me. And I accept that. And I'm still learning like what is still protecting other people's hearts. Like, I'm just going to give an example because I feel like I'm being so vague because it's, I don't know, kind of embarrassing. That I told somebody recently, I was like, we're just going to be friends. And he was like, great, I love friends. And I said that thinking we probably wouldn't text.

And sure enough, the next morning, good morning to me. And I was like, okay, like, good morning. Hope your day's great. Good enough. And he then went on and texted me a bunch throughout the week, offered to buy me something, offered to buy a meal or whatever. So I was like, I don't really feel like he's acting like we're friends. And a part of me goes, well, I told him. So I told him to like, if he wants to like, still do stuff for me or give me that comfort or give me things or whatever, it's not on me.

But isn't it? I don't know. I'm still dealing, I'm still battling that because I feel like as somebody who in my non-dating life is very, very careful with people's hearts, feels a little, doesn't feel necessarily good. I don't know. That's just a random anecdote. I don't know if anybody else has that problem where you know they're thinking they can change your mind. And you're, I don't know if you're not letting them, but like, you're not like, you're not probably doing the things that you probably, I don't know.

I'm still dealing with that one. Let's talk about my little conclusion I wrote up, which, of course, I've gone in an absolute rant somewhere else. Only this is part of being human, but if you learn to sit with it, you'll start to see what you really need connection, not distraction. And that's really nice. Like, I'm still learning that as somebody who loves being chaotic and running around and throwing things in. My schedule, sitting and figuring out what I need and listening to my body. That's, these are all first for me.

I'm almost 40 and these are all first for me. Isn't that embarrassing? It's fine. It's been weirdly magical. It's why I really don't, I don't have this magical number in my head that I'm going to be single for this long or, or whatever. I just know that this is a very, very beautiful time in my life. I 've never had so much downtime ever. And I really want to feel it with stuff. And I do. I mean, I'm going back to school. I'm doing things like cadre, which I really love. But there's some, there's usually an hour or two at night where I have to myself and I'm really working on not filling it.

Especially filling it with bed. Oh, it's so hard though. They make it so easy. They'll always come to your house. They're like the door dash of loneliness. They're like, yeah, I'll be there. And I'll bring food. So working on it. We should all work on it. Loneliness. It's not so bad. And there is such a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. And what stems from that I think is what can be really powerful. Like me and Jen, we're going to do girly dinners. We're going to romanticize our life and have a great time.

And I'm going to try not to reach out to people that I think that I shouldn't. So that's my little chat on loneliness. And you guys definitely hanging out with me, speak wonder and Jen and Luke and all the people definitely make me feel less lonely. All right, have a great day or a decent day or a day. And I don't know. It's in Minnesota here. It's going to be like 80. So I'm going to pretend like it's fall, but it's really not. All right, I'm saying goodbye to you slowly because I'm hitting my, there we go .

Bye guys. The door dash of loneliness. Yes.