Ending Things: Why Breakups Can Feel Bad and Still Be Right

Hello, Cadre. Happy Thursday. 30. I know normally I am on Fridays, but I'm just mixing things up, keeping you all on your toes. So I hope you had a good week. My name is Michelle and I am a dating coach with Unstuck by Michelle. It's my business and I started it about six years ago. And so as a dating coach, I work with people on a variety of different things. I help people to work through some dating anxieties. I help people to feel more confident with dating. I help people to get back into the dating world, like lots of different things that I do as a dating coach.

And one of the things that I do that I'm going to talk about today is helping people to navigate the roller coaster of dating. And one of the things that often comes up is how to end things. How to end things when you first start dating to somebody or how to end things when you've been dating somebody for a while and you recognize that this isn't it for you. It can be hard. Both of them can be hard. And so I just wanted to hop on today and talk about that and just normalize that ending something can hurt and it can still be the right decision.

And when I talk with people, they often say, I'm not good at this. Like I'm good. Right? Who wants to say, I'm super skilled at ending relationships? Right? We want to have courage to end a relationship when we need to, right? But it's okay that it doesn't come easy because oftentimes when you're the one ending the relationship on the other side is somebody who might have hurt feelings, right? And if you have a heart and if you care about other people, if you're compassionate, like, of course, it never feels good to hurt somebody's feelings.

So something to remember is just because you feel pain, it doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision. And another thing to remember is just because you feel guilty, doesn't mean that you're wrong. And so the two different types of breakups feel very different. So the first I'm going to talk about is kind of that long. You've been dating someone a little longer than a few dates. You've been boyfriend and girlfriend, maybe for several months, maybe for a longer time than that. And you just recognize that it's not it anymore, right?

You've done the work. You've done your own work. You've tried to work through certain things. And at some point you just realize that this person isn't the person that you want to spend your life with. And that's okay. That is the process of dating. The process of dating is you hang out with someone. You see how it goes. You do it again. You see how it goes. You continue to get to know this person through stress, through chaos, through joy, through bliss, through holidays. And with all the information you gather and your different personality types, different upbringings, you see if it's something that matches with your long-term goals.

That's part of dating. And so knowing that when you've been with someone for a while, right, like I dated this guy for not a whole long time, but like four months, but we had like a little longer history. And I recognize like, we just fundamentally want different things. Like he was a good guy, a great guy. And yeah, I recognize like, I just wanted something else. And I had to tell them. And it was a little fly in my kitchen, got distracted. That one for me honestly wasn't that hard. It wasn't that hard, but I've had breakups before where it felt really hard.

I dated someone for about 5 to 6 years and great guy as well, really great guy. And It just wasn't it like where we were at at that moment in our life, like we weren't moving forward. We were just in this constant conflict. We both, I think, tried and it was hard. And a reminder, like when you end things, it's hard for a lot of reasons, right? Not only are you losing that relationship because it wasn't often always bad, but you're losing routine. You're losing maybe some hope. the potential of the future that you pictured for yourself.

And nowadays, like, oh man, I never had to deal with this when we were younger, but you lose, well, this part you did, but you lose their family. Maybe you really like their family, their friends. So oftentimes you're not just breaking up with that person, you're breaking up with this whole lifestyle that you've created for yourself. And that's okay that it feels bad. And that's often why people avoid it for longer than they maybe should. And when we're ending things, remembering that, like I know it's always in my mind, it's always easier if you blow things up, right?

And then you end and there's like a reason, but you have a lot of in your control and to end things and how you end it really matters and says a lot about you as a human. And so remembering to be clear and concise without being cruel, right? You can care about someone and still choose you and end it with them and not be a complete jerk face. After you end it, giving yourself time, giving your nervous system time to readjust, to create a new A new routine, right? Because most likely if you've been with someone for a while and you have a really bad day or you have a really good day, that's the person you're going to want to call.

And so creating new patterns, new people, and not just hopping right into another relationship, right? Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is to stop trying to force something to make it work. Again, with those long-term relationships, oftentimes we get stuck in that loop of, I've invested so much time into this. I've invested so much time. I've wasted my time. But like, no, you've learned a lot about yourself, about what you like, what you don't like. And now you can move forward and know more and date with more knowledge about what yourself and what you like and what you want.

So That's the one part, right? Like ending things with more long-term relationships. And then we have the part about ending things after a few dates or after one date. That's oftentimes the people I work with, right? They don't know how to end things after going on a date with someone, it didn't go well or going on a couple dates and maybe it was fine, but they just don't feel a connection. A lot of people feel real stuck there and so something to remind you is like you don't need a huge reason You can just say, you know, I'm not feeling a connection.

I'm not feeling the connection I'd like to feel here. Wish you the best of luck and move on. That is it, right? You don't need to kind of over explain or be mean, right? I'm remembering too, like clarity is kinder than dragging it out. Right. I have a particular client I used to work with and he would date someone and he knew, you know, after a while, like this ain't it, but he would feel so bad with the idea of ending it because he didn't want to hurt her feelings that he kept hanging out with her.

I'm like, what are you doing? Like that is actually more disrespectful. And that's going to cause more hurt later than if you just end it, right? It's if you think about it, it is quite selfish. that because you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to hurt someone's feeling that you're going to continue to lead them on. The other thing is you can ghost them, but don't do that. And you often hear about those ghosting stories and that is someone who doesn't have a lot of courage or low morals and values because that is really disrespectful and rude.

And I know it's easier. It's easier. I dated a guy and I wasn't into him. I wasn't, but I dated him because I was trying to make it work. He was nice, he had a good career, and I was like, Gosh, is it me? And then I was like, No, it's not. I'm just not that into it. And I felt so bad, so I postponed it, and then he traveled for like six weeks, and so I called him, and we talked, and I said, Hey. crying and he's like, what is wrong? I was like, we've only dated a couple of months, right? But I was like, I'm really sorry.

I just don't see this going anywhere. And I was crying and then he was consoling. It was a mess. It was a mess. But once I find that he was so nice when I was just kind about it and then I felt really lighter after doing it. And again, you might not always be met with kindness on the other side, right? But you can only control how you show up. And so remembering to be warm and direct. You don't need to over explain. You don't need to critique them or you don't need to make it about their flaws. You can just say, hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, it was fun getting to know you and I don't see this going anywhere.

Best of luck. People always ask me, do I need to do it on the phone? Can I text? And that is so situational, right? It really depends. Honestly, have you slept with this person? Have you kissed this person? How much time have you spent with this person? All of those things matter because there's a level of respect when it comes with how much more you know somebody. And so that is something I can't really answer because it really depends. Another thing is to like, don't be Minnesota. I don't know if I, I don't think everyone on this app is from Minnesota.

So fun fact in Minnesota, it drives me nuts. People over apologize all the time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry about everything. And I'm sorry, right? Insinuates that you're doing something wrong and it's a real epidemic here in Minnesota. So something to be mindful of is when you're ending it is don't over apologize, right? You can just say, Hey, I'm sorry because I know this may be disappointing. I just don't feel that connection, so I wish you the best of luck. You don't need to keep apologizing.

And again, kind of full circle back to the beginning. It is okay that it doesn't feel good to break up with someone. You're likely hurting their feelings. They're likely going to be disappointed. You're disappointed that it didn't work out. And the sooner that you do it, when you know that that's the decision you're making, the more you can move forward, the more they can move forward, right? And again, just because you feel guilty, just because you feel bad doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

And it's also okay if you feel pain and you feel sad and hurt after a breakup because it's not just a breakup with that person. It's a breakup with a lot of, a lot of things. The hope, their family, the person you called, all of those things. And yeah, so today is just about endings and to find the courage to just say it to people, not leading people on and recognizing you can have feelings about it too. So again, I am Michelle from Unstuck by Michelle. You can find me on TikTok, on Instagram at Unstuck by Michelle with two L's.

Follow me on Cadre to see like when I'm going to be posting. And yeah, let me know if there's anything you want to see more of. Have a lovely Thursday.