Why You Keep Attracting The Same Type

Hello, 2 o'clock on the dot. Good afternoon, happy Friday. It is Friday and it's cold. I just went on a walk and I'm wearing a sweatshirt and pants and I thought that was enough and it was not enough. My hands are still cold. But we are going to talk obviously about a topic around dating. I am Michelle O'Connell. Unstuck by Michelle, which is a dating coaching company. And so I provide dating coaching to folks all around the United States because one, it's such a needed thing. Dating is not just easy.

Dating is not easy. It's tough and you're putting yourself out there and I even think like the older we get, the harder it is because we have more layers. We have more layers, we're more complex. And at the same time, we have more insight and we know a little bit more about what we want and what we need. So we are going to talk today about that idea of are you continuing to date the same type of person? And obviously, in that context, it is more of an unhealthy thing, right? Like, are you finding that you're dating different faces, but the same issues over and over?

Right? And this is near and dear to me because your girl did that all the time back when I started dating after this long relationship, has chronically finding myself in the same I could tell you, I could tell you, could line up like 10 guys and I could say like that, one, that's him, that's the avoidant guy and he's mine. Did it ever work out? No, it did not because that's not how it works. But without fail, every single time on the apps, in person, I would pick that person that was emotionally unavailable.

And so some of the issues that you might find yourself running into in the dating world on repeat is choosing those emotionally unavailable people, being really hot and cold in relationships, finding somebody that needs a lot of fixing, maybe finding people who are more avoidant or finding those people that are quite inconsistent. And if you've been dating for a while and you're chronically dating like the same type of person, you've probably convinced yourself that all men are avoidant, right? Or all females are hot and cold because that's just like who you're attracting.

But the reality is, is there's a lot of healthy people out there in the dating world. And when I say that to people, sometimes people look at me like, Are you tripping? But I work with a lot of healthy people entering the dating world and I just know that it exists. But what happens when you keep attracting that same type of person is all you're seeing is this unhealthiness and it starts to jade your view on dating. And so an important truth is that you are not attracting them by magic, which is a good thing because that means that you have some control over it.

So what happens is that you're often choosing what's familiar over what's healthy. What feels familiar can often feel like chemistry. You might be overlooking red flags, like that attraction that you have is clouding discernment. And you may be staying too long once you've noticed patterns have appeared. I have a client who, oops, I almost knocked down my camera. I have a client who was just telling me, she's like, this guy asked me out on a date. I said, that's great. And she went on the date and she described some of the things he said and some of the things he did.

And I was like, how do you think it went? She's like, great, I want to go on a second date. And I said, no, no bad. I said these are the same patterns that you've stayed in too long and they're showing up right in front of you. Here's some signs that you're dating the same type of person. Fast chemistry. So fast chemistry, slow consistency. Feeling anxious early on. Feeling confused more than secure. You might excuse obvious red flags. You're doing most of the emotional labor, so that means you're the one checking in, how are you?

You're the one asking them out. You're the one kind of leading the show. Your friends notice before you, but the, I don't know if I can say that, but the crappy thing is friends often don't tell you, right, until you're out of it, and then they're like, yeah, we knew. And it's like, man, but I get it. People get defensive. No one wants to hear that your friends don't like this new person that you're dating. And at the same time, it can be handled with grace and compassion. And I think it could be received well.

But again, another one is this person has so much potential. So dating the idea of potential. And so I'm curious to know, again, you don't have to say anything, but just to reflect, what are the patterns that you see in your dating? I know for me when I was dating, so I'm married now. I've been married, it'll be 3 years this fall, so 2 1/2 years. But before that, I was single for maybe 5 years. So 5 years of this single. I was obviously, but a big chunk of time, single for five years. And like I said, I was always dating these men who were emotionally unavailable.

these fixers, you know, I'm a therapist, I'm a dating coach. Like, so obviously there's this part of me that's like, I can fix them and they will like me. And it always seemed like I liked these guys way more than they liked me. Like when we were together, it felt really fun and good. But then when we were apart, I was just thinking about them and I with a high level of accuracy, not as much as they were thinking about me. They probably had three to four women just like me on their like dial, whatever.

But I noticed this pattern I would feel so intensely so quickly for these guys that were just jokers. They just were not great catches. They're not someone on paper who I'd want, like if I had a daughter, my daughter to be with, but it got me on the hook. And so some reasons I say this all the time is like step one is saying, I've recognized a pattern. Step two is I wanna work on this, right? So many times people stay in patterns, they recognize it, but they don't wanna change it. I was in it for five years.

I didn't want to change it. I was having fun. I was addicted to these highs and lows. It was like so good when it was good and then it's down and I was addicted to it. My nervous system was addicted to this chaos. And so I see that you guys are kind of relating to this. That's good. That means I'm on the right topic. So a part of recognizing step two is I want to change this is recognizing the why behind it. I'm a huge believer that in order to change things, we have to understand the why. And so some of the why's, why we repeat these patterns, is childhood learned dynamics.

If love felt inconsistent, chaotic, or earned growing up, calm can feel boring. Calm can feel boring. The nervous system is used to being in chaos. And so our nervous system mistakes that chaos for butterflies. It's like, oh, this is chemistry, but it's really your alarm system saying, get up. Turn left, turn around. But we're so used to chaos. If that was your childhood or again, that love was inconsistent, that we recreate those patterns. Those are learned dynamics. Oh, sorry, I was trying to read a comment.

I keep knocking my phone over. I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship and that's why I often overlook the obvious red flags. You're not alone. You're not alone. I was consulting with somebody today who had a client who is in a terrible relationship and this person knows it, but the fear of being alone overrides that. And that's very, very unfortunately normal and it can change, right? So another reason why we repeat these patterns is because we may have low self-worth. You may accept less because deep down you don't believe you deserve more, right?

And I know for myself, like I grew up like good in the beginning and then it was lower income, single parent household, like just a lot of chaos. And I was kind of from the hood. And then I went to a different school and I was like the hood girl in this nice school. And I have complexes around that. Me and my sister always joke around when we're at the Galleria. I'm not there often, but I'm like, they know we don't fit in. They know, they know where I'm from. But I would say like, I thought I had high self-worth, but I didn't.

And I allowed myself to be treated pretty poorly. Another reason that people participate in these patterns is because fantasy dating, right? We date the potential instead of the reality. And yes, someone just said something. Our bodies feel the alarm before our intellect does, yeah. But we fantasy date, right? Have you ever laid awake at night and just fantasy dated that person you have a crush on, right? And that's really just dating the potential instead of the reality. Another reason we repeat these patterns is because of trying to win these unavailable people.

I messed. Like that was clearly, I was trying to win these unavailed people, trying to show I was worthy enough that they would change their entire attachment pattern in psychology to date me. Like how unhinged is that when you just say it out loud, right? But once you notice your why behind why you do this, you can say, that makes sense. Like I'm not crazy or the world's not full of all of these type of people. There's a reason why this is happening and now I can change it. And so I'm just going to go over some ways to help break the cycle.

Slow down. I can't express that enough. Slow down. Stop letting chemistry make the decision. When I started dating my husband, I'm pointing because he's out there with my husband. When I started dating him, I would only hang out with him on the weekend. And even though I was like, I'm someone like if we want to date and it's good, I'd be like, do you want to hang out tomorrow? Do you want to go to Target? Are you interested in like watching me nap? Yep. But I was like, I got to slow down. This is not working for me.

And so I would hang out with my husband just on the weekends in the beginning. I was intentionally going slow, even though it felt uncomfortable. I started looking for patterns, not promises. Anyone can promise or say the right thing. And those charming, avoidant people know exactly what to say. They future talk. They make you feel so special. Stop thinking about the promises and look for the actual patterns and behaviors. Date with standards, not hope. So what does that mean? It's like, have your standards and treat me with respect, be consistent, be compassionate, communicate.

Those are good standards, not the hope that it will get better, especially in the beginning. Right away, notice those things. Ask yourself how you feel around this person, right? So how you feel, do you feel comfortable? Do you feel safe, respected, anxious, confused? When I first dated my husband, I felt so comfortable. I felt so comfortable. When I compare that to the people that I, those other people I dated, I felt anxious, I wanted them to like me, like it was, it just felt very different. Whereas with my husband, I just felt more authentic, I knew he liked me, he was consistent.

We move slow. Last one is choose differently, even if it feels unfamiliar. And this can be the hardest one because it might feel a little boring at first. You might go on the date and you don't feel that same rush of butterflies or that intense chemistry. And you have to tell your brain and body like, that's okay, right? This might be your body being calm and not activated, this might be a safe person. We don't know. We're going to go slow, but choose differently even when if it feels unfamiliar to you.

So remember, patterns change when you change, when you change what you tolerate, when you change what you ignore, when you change what you chase, and when you change what you choose. So I'm going to repeat that. Patterns change when you change, when you change what you tolerate, what you ignore, what you chase, and what you choose. So if you find yourself in this pattern, just remind yourself, it doesn't have to be forever. Change is possible. And I'm always here to chat. And you can find me on Instagram at Unstuck by Michelle, TikTok at Unstuck by Michelle, Cadre Lives.

If you ever want to work one-on-one, you can find me on all of those platforms. 'Cause sometimes it needs, you might need some one-on-one support to make those changes, right? You might need to text someone and say, I'm feeling high urges to reach out to this person and I shouldn't. And I'm like, Hey, I got you. Let's, you know, maybe you should wanna walk. Or, Randy, I'm married and this helped me. Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad that, I'm so glad, right? And the thing about all of this stuff is like, it can be applied to lots of things outside of dating, right?

And it is all about just recognizing our patterns, right? People pleasing, over committing, too close of a relationship with your sofa, right? Notice these patterns. Say I want to change, explore the why and take action. And sometimes working with someone can help you through all that. So again, I am Michelle. 40 PM Central Time Zone. 40 is a replay and I'm on there with Brittany from Cadre. JC is co-hosting with her. So it's going to be 7 minutes of fun and I can't wait. So tune into my talk as well.

Thanks everybody. Peace out. I don't know why I said peace out. I felt right. Peace out.